Just Denial and Hysteria

F1 Turkish Grand Prix

2009-06-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

To be honest, were I even able to watch the NASCAR race this weekend, I’d still have watched this instead. To sum up why in a word, Pocono. The good news is that, even though this race was on Fox, Digger did not appear during the pre-race. The bad news is that this race was probably about as exciting as Pocono. Regardless, I got what I came for: a Jenson Button win!

I didn’t buy my usual F1 season preview issue this year. Just as well. When I flipped through it on the newsstand, Brawn GP wasn’t even listed. The next issued featured all of one page interview with Button after his Australian win. The cover, however, was wondering which Ferrari driver would win the championship. Or something like that. It was so irrelevant I wasn’t paying attention.

This was the first time this year I’ve gotten a good look at the new cars. Let’s see, there were little bitty needle noses, little rear wings, and a big snowplow in the front. The Brawn and Red Bull cars had tremendous rear end boxes housing their magic diffusers. Then there was Renault’s fin, which was part of their top intake. If none of this sounds attractive, that’s about right. These vehicles were the high-tech equivalent of the NASCAR Car of Tomorrow: ugly as hell.

These changes, in addition to the reintroduction of slick tires (along with the option tire rule), were hopefully supposed to lead to changing the aerodynamics of the car enough to allow for more passing. I know that there was plenty of passing at the Australian GP. I guess it was a fluke. In modern F1, this pursuit is becoming futile, much like most overtaking attempts on track. The cars are so wind tunnel tested and aero-stroked, passing on track is matter of not just being faster, but a whole lot faster, or hoping for a mistake. I know that there was plenty of passing at the Australian GP. I guess it was a fluke with new cars with widely differing interpretations of the rules from the off season. Next year’s budget cap may make a difference, but I’m not holding my breath.

One piece of the technology I was excited by was the KERS energy return system. For right now, it just weighs down the car, but allows it to be fast enough in places to hold up a faster car trying to pass. Further development of this system in racing may be helpful in integrating it into road cars. Fuel savings on the road are being offset by the weight of the system. Race engineers will be looking for all sorts of ways to slim it down. I wonder if this will end up getting axed under the budget cap? A headline on a cover on an F1 magazine from a few years ago read, “Technology vs. the Sport.” We may finally get this issue answered next year.

Well, on to the race coverage. The opening montage featured a lot of Lewis Hamilton and no Jenson. I wonder when this was put together? Ah, what to make of Lewis the Backmarker? I’d say he gets attention during the race like Dale Jr. and Danica get in their respective series, but that isn’t really fair. He is the current world champion, while the other two are really mostly marketing icons. What I don’t get is the utter hatred that the British racing press and many fans have for him. One day, he’s the superkid, the future of racing. Next, he’s the F1 equivalent of Kyle Busch, the ultimate villain. If he’s just whiny and engages in gamesmanship, that would put him on par with every other driver, in every other series. I guess this is what I get for not being able to watch every race.

Whatever. I’m still totally getting off on Jenson whipping his ass.

You know Jenson is.

Fox sports doesn’t have any control over the race production, so I can’t criticize them. F1 produces the coverage and packages it for everyone else around the world, to add their own commentaries. This may somewhat explain why the volume was so subdued during the race. Every time they went to commercial, I was reminded of this as the sound blasted me awake. The bottom line ticker was a bit less intrusive than the top line ones used in NASCAR and the IRL. There were a couple of good panning shots across some of corners. I share the commentators’ lament that there wasn’t a good shot around Turns 7, 8, and 9, the big curve. (Why don’t they name the corners on these new tracks?)

The commentary team themselves did a pretty good job with what they had to work with. That is to say, no control over the pictures and a fairly boring race. I liked how they explained the rules and differing race strategies. Though they did explain the “Option Tire” rule, the group failed to explain how stupid it is and how little impact it has on the racing. Come to think of it, KERS is really just Push-To-Pass, another failed Champ Car racing “innovation.” (F1, please carefully regard what happened to Champ Car before following their example any further. Having everyone drive the same cars, getting rid of all the European drivers, and eliminating more European race dates, for example.)

There was some false drama over race strategy and about Button’s gearbox, but functionally the race for the win was over when Vettel bobbled the car on lap 1 and Button passed him. That was it. I could say that there was plenty of action in the back, but that was mostly Barrichello trying to make his way back to the front after a bad start. After he damaged the car, that was that.

I tuned in to see Jenson on the top step and getting post race interviewed, and I did get that. I have to quibble with the announcers again. This year isn’t the first time he’s won. They forgot his 2006 win in a rain-soaked race in Hungry. By the way, F1 car numbers are handed out based the team’s finish the previous season (skipping #13). The race results were quite the sight with all those double-digit car numbers listed at the top. And there was Jenson Button, car #22, on top. Given that there were only twenty cars in the race that should tell you how far this team has come since last year.

J.

NASCAR I’ve got issues

2009-06-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

NASCAR held two town meetings last week, the day after the Charlotte race. Actually they could have more easily done that right at the track during all those rain delays. These meetings had the immediate effect of addressing NASCAR’s number one problem. It was decided that Tony Eury Jr. had to go as Junior’s crew chief. Until “The Legacy” starts winning again, the sport is in deadly peril, and I’m glad that the governing body took this extraordinary step in the right direction. Said Mike Helton, “Yeah, we saw what Obama did in firing GM’s CEO, and we thought we’d seize the initiative as well and make some changes on Junior’s team.”

Other less important issues were discussed. Double file restarts with lap-down cars to the back might be worthwhile. But really, inside of a lap or two, it’s going to be right back to business as usual with the leader sprinting away. All this may do is change who the leader is going to be.

Of more lasting use, NASCAR said they’d look at finding ways to modify the COT to give it better handling. Wow, it only took three years for NASCAR to hear what all the drivers were saying about the car (even Kyle Busch, whose driving style is well suited to the COT).

I’ve maintained steadfastly that the COT has been hurting competition. Good, contested races are the exception rather than the norm far too often. On some level, the networks may like boring racing. It allows them to go to commercial more often. Exciting races are harder to cut away from.

I understand NASCAR’s original thinking. They wanted to put the car’s handling more in the driver’s hands. With everyone essentially driving the same car (at least aero-wise), driver skill would be the differentiating factor. Great in theory.

In practice, putting all the drivers in nervous handling cars meant that they couldn’t push the envelope in performance without seriously risking a wreck. Thus, spread-out, single-file racing with plenty of wide berths for passing. Only the race leader would feel somewhat safe in opening up the throttle. Fiddling with the car’s ability to stick to the track, but leaving the engine the same, could only result in the drivers slowing down and concentrating on driving and not racing.

This issue isn’t unique to NASCAR. The IRL lessened the downforce on their cars for safety and competition reasons. Again, it was supposed to put driver skill, rather than aero technology, at a premium. The results have been the same. You can read about it here:

http://www.mynameisirl.com/2009/05/overtaking-talk-is-taking-over.html

Racing was once something of a test bed for automotive innovation. Now, it’s just marketing and ever more stringent governing rules to keep the competition between the top teams close. This is especially true in NASCAR, where their vehicles may actually have less relation to road cars than even open-wheel race cars do.

It’s a balancing act between safety vs. spectacle, technology vs. human skill, technology vs. cost, competition vs. the rules, and so on. Go too far in any direction and you’ll lose your audience. For example, fans like wrecks, but don’t want to watch a bloodsport, so there has to be plenty of safety precautions. NASCAR has made its choices, but the tweaking will forever continue.

There was an issue that wasn’t mentioned at the meetings, but I’ll go ahead and make a prediction about it. Given the dramatic fall in ratings and attendance for the first third of the season, look for things to get worse during the Chase. That’s not my prediction, because that’s going to happen (unless Junior goes on an unprecedented winning streak). Next year, look for a new Chase format. There will be big changes in the points structure and/or the Chase qualifications. Whatever. NASCAR’s contract with ABC/ESPN mandates some sort of “playoff,” but the network will agree to anything to help ratings.

I hate to bother making suggestions on this, because it’s pointless, but here goes. I’d like to see at least a much bigger point spread between first and second and between tenth and eleventh. Better still, only award championship points to the top ten finishers of each race. The networks mostly only cover the top ten cars during a race anyway (except for Junior). They may as well make it official that everyone else is irreverent. Yeah, I know that they say that the fans want NASCAR to stop screwing with championship rules. Wrong. The fans want them fixed.

The original points system rewarded consistency, which encouraged “points” racing and not necessarily winning racing. The original Chase rewarded the top ten most consistent racers during the season, and then whoever was most consistent during the Chase. Then it was the top 12. Then the regular season race winners got bonus points for the Chase. Most consistent and most victorious are titles that may not apply to same driver at the end of the season. Right now, Tony Stewart is in first place from running a heck of a consistent season, but all the drivers with wins are below him in the standings. NASCAR needs to make up its mind what they want drivers to focus on.

In my opinion, if a driver wins by consistency over drivers with more wins, people always bring that up. If it were the driver with the most wins who won the championship, nobody would care who scored the most top 10’s during the season.

I honestly expect NASCAR will start making some changes for the better. Next season’s action should be improved over what has occurred so far this year. If not, NASCAR will flounder and eventually fall out the hands of the France family. Even then, I am confident that the series will eventually come under the stewardship of someone who will make the necessary changes.

J.

Dover Cup race: That was more like it

2009-06-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

Certainly this week’s race didn’t have much competition for comparison with last week’s. (Tellingly, there was no Fan Council poll sent out for the Coca-Cola 600.) If you consider the Nationwide Series a warm up for the Cup, then things got off to a good start. The ESPN crew was full of enthusiasm, and the race delivered a great finish. Congrats to Brad Keselowski for opportunistically finding Victory Lane again this year, as Logano and Kyle Busch took each other out of the lead in the final laps. Kyle was uncharacteristically mum after the race.

He had no trouble earlier in the week finding a camera and a microphone to discuss Junior’s crew chief change. Fox was quick to capitalize on NASCAR’s lead story with their opening montage playing Kyle’s comments and recapping events. It’s regrettable that Kyle and Junior’s rivalry hasn’t been more of the on-track variety. My own take is that I wish Hendrick had paired up Junior with an experienced, winning crew chief. The way this was done, it just looks like a panic move.

Junior looked slightly more upbeat at the beginning of the race. His Nationwide team winning on Saturday probably helped. Meanwhile when asked, DW and Hammy both openly doubted Junior’s ability to win a championship at this point in his career. Heresy? Reverse psychology? Trying to cushion the blow for his legion of fans? It’s gut check time for Junior and Junior Nation.

The rest of the pre-race flowed well. There was another Digger cartoon, but it was again a rerun. I’m telling you, the varmint is on his way out. Expect TNT and ESPN to give Fox some ribbing over their mascot at some point during their coverage. Jeff Gordon looked totally down and hurting. That interview was painful to watch.

There was a profile piece on Billy Bad Butt. I missed the incident last week that lead to the creation of NASCAR’s newest freaky crewmember nickname. For God’s sakes, there was 10 hours of rain delay. I couldn’t watch it all. In the same vein, ESPN’s piece the day before on Clint Bowyer, Richard Childress, and Bowyer’s spotter was pretty funny. The networks may need to spend some more quality time with guys on the team other than the driver and crew chief.

The season in review segment went by quick. Of course, it could have been shorter. Just show Edwards’ Talledega wreck. Highlights over. Oh, and then there was a shot of Ingrid. I’ve given up on getting a roundtable discussion of her hair. I’ll miss her and Miss Sprint Cup.

The race itself started off well. It was close, contested, and drivers were fighting for the lead. Unfortunately, this may have either been the team’s testing the limits of the tires for the rest of the race, or NASCAR ordered them to be entertaining at the beginning of the race.

Umm… Then I turned over to the Indycar race at the Milwaukee Mile. I’m not sure if I missed much action at Dover, other than Jimmie dominating. I know that if I’d missed the Indycar race, I really wouldn’t have missed much action there either. Dixon won, but his wife Emma wasn’t there, so I didn’t care. (I recall Ashley Judd wasn’t there the last time Franchitti won. Well, it’s not exactly a destination spot, unless you’re looking for brauts.) I’d read a story that they were offering all you could drink and eat beer and barbecue at the track as a promotion. I thought it was gag, but the stands were full. Sorry I wasn’t in Milwaukee.

http://pressdog.typepad.com/dogblog/2009/05/most-likely-still-time-to-get-to-milwaukee-this-weekend-for-the-most-excellent-mile-and-the-best-value-in-racingi-super-hig.html#more

Back to NASCAR (one look at the stands and you could tell they weren’t running any promotions), I missed the final, fateful pit stop, that put Jimmie back in ninth, but with more fresh tires than the drivers in front of him. The final laps featured some of the best racing of the year. This was actually enhanced by Fox losing their ticker. You could see more of the track, as the 48’s charge to the front commanded the announcers’ attention. With more screen real estate, the drama seemed bigger and added to the tension. This arrangement wouldn’t have worked out well in blow out win, but here it did. Fox might want to file this technique away for future use. (Not to mention, it forced them to show all the top cars finishing.)

Good call by Knaus and a great drive by Jimmie to make that call look good. Tony Stewart, second in the race, can console himself with his Fox Cup, as he’s now number one in the championship standings. Who’d of thunk that last year after his move to his new team. This was a definite high note for Fox to end their coverage on.

NASCAR breathes a sigh of relief. The hardcore fans that are left got a good race. Junior looked about as happy as he was going to allow himself to be with a top 15 finish. Finally, there was a heartfelt goodbye from the booth crew. Pity that Fox sports broadcasting isn’t as big a fans as their announcers are. I was surprised Digger didn’t make an appearance, or that there wasn’t some forced product placement, or a Fox show promo during their closing comments. Were it not for the fans in the booth, I think Fox’s NASCAR coverage would end up being horrific.

Well, this may be it for the NASCAR race blogging. I don’t have cable. After the digital switchover, I may not be able to watch the Chase when racing returns to over-the-air TV. As for next year, frankly, at times writing this has been a labor. Too many races have either been boring or controversial, rather than entertaining. Sometimes, the hard part has been watching the race itself to comment on it. In the meantime, I’ve got one more column in process about the sport overall.

J.

DARK CONTINENT: INTRODUCTION

2009-05-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

This adventure setting was inspired by Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness and Francis Ford Coppala’s Apocalypse Now. (Dante’s Inferno gave some inspiration to them both). The Japanese anime classic Ninja Scroll inspired the main villains.

The colony herein is based on the old Belgian Congo in Africa, currently Zaire. The adventure follows the Congo River inland. The characters will going up river into the jungle colony to find and eliminate, err… terminate with extreme prejudice, an insane wizard, Kurtz.

I won’t be providing any stats, as I do not have a preferred system at the moment. I will also be skimping on naming names for the most part. There will be no maps or keyed encounter guides. I will be describing the path and major set pieces on the way. On the plus side, potential DM’s will be able to customize this extensively, and potential players won’t have all of the action spoiled for them.

The human (and demi-human, as you will) inhabitants of the continent will be clearly, physically differentiated between colonists and natives. The differences are up to the group to decide upon. The morality of conditions in the colony are likewise up to group to exploit or ignore. There are situations and events in the adventure for the players to react to, but there is little narrative judgment on them.

By the end of these adventures, the players may wish to “go native” and lead the rebellion. Or, they may want to enter into the struggle for power in the colonial government. Or, they may have completely different objectives. These choices will be beyond the scope of this adventure. Regardless of any side the players choose, the group should have ample motivation to go after Kurtz. They will learn that he is a deadly threat to both sides and everyone in the country.

This adventure derives some inspiration from The Mountain Witch RPG, as well as an inspired account of a game using Apocalypse Now as the setting. Putting a snitch, loyalty officer, foreign operative, native sympathizer, rival colonial political agent, and even a member loyal to Kurtz could make for an interesting game, depending on the party. If I were running the game, I’d play it straight. The group is likely to have enough problems without fratricide being one of them.

DARK CONTINENT: SETUP

2009-05-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

Characters are a group of condemned convicts, either highly skilled or having a special ability, who have volunteered for a virtual suicide mission in the jungle colony to assassinate an insane wizard named Kurtz. He’s gone native and started a rebellion. Discretion must be used. Kurtz is revered as a hero. Currently, he’s thought to be fighting the rebellion. That he’s leading it would be devastating to morale. Of course, few would believe that he’s a traitor anyway.

There will be a few contacts along the way that know the truth and will be available to help. As the group goes further inland, their contacts will direct them their next contact. The group will be given documents showing that that they are incorporated as a mercenary company. They will have to get acquire their own money to make it up river.

A bounty will be placed on the characters’ heads two weeks after they leave the home country, roughly the same time they should arrive by ship at the colony. The bounty will only be paid for a live capture. If they are recaptured before completing the mission, it will be regrettable. If successful, the group need only return to the colonial governor with the proof (Kurtz or his head) to remove the bounty.

Upon successful completion, the characters will be given their own title and land in the colony. Any treasure recovered along the way belongs to the group, but remember that time is of the essence. A foreign ambassador, who also has colonial interests on the continent, is present at the meeting but doesn’t say anything. He acts as a witness and also signs the contract. This provides some small amount of legal protection for the group.

This adventure may seem something like a “railroad” to the players. Well, there’s only one main river to travel on for much of the adventure. Straying from it should be almost certain death. The players will hopefully be smart enough to ally with the colonials in the areas under their control. Otherwise, they’ll be fighting both sides from the beginning. The group should probably start with a fairly large number of characters, as reinforcements and replacement characters will be difficult to find.

DARK CONTINENT: BACKGROUND

2009-05-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

This jungle continent has been colonized by various countries from another continent. They were able to effect this conquest by their superior magic knowledge. The native population is effectively subjected. The colonial powers see themselves as bringing civilization to the hinterlands. Honestly, the average native is probably no better or worse off for the invasion. Conquest and slavery have long ruled the area before the coming of the colonists. The natives have some legal rights and some government representation, and this is likely the reason that the rebellion isn’t more widespread. One thing is sure though, the natives are not in charge of their own country.

This adventure revolves around Kurtz, a wizard and an ambitious, adventurous ivory merchant. He came seeking fame and fortune. He managed to achieve both when he found the Dragon’s Boneyard deep in the Interior and made off with a haul of enchanted bones from there. Fearing the graveyard’s guardian, a dragon named Hellion, Kurtz kept the location a secret and did not return. Instead of returning to his home country, he built a magnificent mansion in the Interior near his station and sent for his Intended fiancée. (Conrad didn’t name her. I won’t either.)

Hellion eventually found out about the theft and started to hunt for the thief. Kurtz became aware of the hunt and kept his Intended at Home Station. Needing more power, he decided to follow up on the rumors of a Forbidden City. No natives would go near it, so he set out with a large number of colonial adventurers.

Most of the party would be wiped out before the massive, ancient, devastated city was found and would be even further whittled down before they came to the Temple. There they found the hibernating Serpent Men and their monstrous sleeping Master. This trespass aroused the Serpent Men caretakers and the party would be captured, except for Kurtz. His high-level magic powers bought him instant respect. The Serpent Men’s cause was, of course, re-conquest of the continent, but they lacked the ability to access even their own ancient knowledge, much less discovery of new and more potent magic. Kurtz threw in with them and his men did as well. With Kurtz’s power added to the Serpent Men’s, suddenly a successful war was a possibility.

Kurtz began sending back missives to the colonial government about a native uprising that he was fighting. Meanwhile wearing a new identity, he began inciting and bullying various native tribes into rebelling. He has been leading both sides into destroying each other. He might lead an attack on a colonial settlement in disguise, while later openly destroying a native village in retaliation for the attack.

After learning more magical knowledge from the Serpent Men’s old spell books and experimenting, Kurtz began enticing natives into the temple. He and the Serpent Men used them as a mass sacrifice to summon a protective red mist around the temple isle. With even more sacrifices, they began to build their own army of semi-evolved apes and the undead, and Kurtz turned his own compatriots into demonic servitors. Currently, they are working on accumulating enough blood to begin waking up all of the Serpent Men, and to draw out the Serpent Men’s mysterious Master.

Now having some real power behind him, Kurtz confronted Hellion and proposed a peace. He would keep the graveyard safe from further, inevitable intrusion. In return, the dragon would support Kurtz’s coming campaign to drive out the colonists and subjugate the natives. He also promised to dispatch agents to retrieve the stolen bones, as much as they might still be intact.

Other forces are now moving. Certain members of colonial leadership are aware of Kurtz’s duplicity, and want him quietly eliminated. Hellion is becoming increasingly apprehensive of Kurtz’s power and their relationship. The dragon is now in a position of having to take orders and suspects that Kurtz is trying to have him killed off. The natives themselves are not without an advocate. A colossal, intelligent, giant snake named Satha is revered as their secret, living god deep in the jungle. Of course, he is fighting the colonists and been working subtly against them. Kurtz and the Serpent Men are now a more immediate threat. Satha is moving to stop them, but many of his own natives have abandoned him.

DARK CONTINENT: THE 13 SUMMONED ONES AND RANDOM ENCOUNTERS

2009-05-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF THE 13
These creatures are Kurtz’s former comrades. They have been turned into half-demonic creatures, all blindly loyal to him (though not necessarily to each other). If seriously wounded, they will generally seek to escape to fight another day.

These foes are inspired by the anime classic, Ninja Scroll. They are meant to be powerful, recurring villains. Killing any of them should be an accomplishment for the group. Stats are not given, only a list of possible abilities. DM’s are encouraged to make up their own. Each of the 13 should have at least two primary powers, and a special weakness.

Their personalities are also left to the DM’s discretion. Vivid, colorful, and extreme should be the guidelines, such as cowardly, fearless, honorable, clown-like, etc. They should also still bear their petty human grudges against one another. The players should have an opportunity to find out about them and exploit them.

POSSIBLE MEMBERS OF THE 13
Snake Woman: Commands numerous poisonous snake minions. Can shed her skin to create a decoy. No armor (naked).

Blind Swordsman: Master swordsman. Tremorsense. Can blind opponents with his sword. No armor and can’t actually see, so he can be tricked.

Rockman: Rock hard body, high AC. Has a double-bladed sword, which can be thrown in a powerful spinning attack. His eyes are his weak points.

Threadman: Can wrap near invisible threads around opponents to choke or electrocute. Threads can be wrapped surreptitiously and can stretch for miles. He is a lurker/shadowy assassin type.

Immortal: Can shapechange to mimic other humans. Unkillable. Can regenerate and reattach severed body parts. Master of combat. He will be temporarily helpless before he regenerates if brought to zero hp, and can be immobilized in that time.

Gunpowder: Can create small bombs. Must set up bombs in the area first and be in the area to trigger them. She is a lurker/shadowy assassin type.

Shadow Controller: Can hide directly in shadows. Can control captured victims by applying his spit to them. Can create illusion decoys of himself. He is a lurker/shadowy assassin type.

Insect Master: Can control swarms of ants, locusts, centipedes, and wasps. Can spit poisonous needles. There is a wasp hive in his body, on his back. The wasps that live there will attack him to get out if they are attacked inside the hive. This one has his own domain in the Interior, so don’t let him get killed early.

Undead Master: Can call or create various mindless undead, such as zombies, skeletons, and ghouls. Can create Darkness at will. He cannot be turned himself and his presence thwarts turning his minions. Powerless in sunlight and in magical light. He is a lurker/shadowy assassin type. This one has his own domain in the Interior, so don’t let him get killed early.

Killer Croc: Powerful tail slap, regenerates hp, high AC. Very vulnerable to cold.

Vermin Master: Controls bats and rats, and can shapechange into man-bat form. Afraid of silver weapons, objects, even just the color.

Porcupine Man: Fires quills and has heavy quilled armor. Water ruins his armor and quill attack.

Mucus: Can throw sickening slime. When weapons score a hit, there is a chance that the weapon will get stuck in him. He will disintegrate temporarily if heavily exerting in combat and then reform one round later. In his “pool” state, Mucus is vulnerable to being diluted or mixed with other materials: sand, water, oil, etc. and can be disrupted.

Gas: Can fire blasts of sleep, hallucinogenic, corrosive, and obscuring gasses. He’s highly flammable.

Speed: Always has the initiative and never surprised. Can attack multiple times per round. Can retreat without incurring a free attack. Can dodge collateral damage, area effect spells, and magic missiles. Very high AC. Made of glass (attacks with glass daggers), low hp.

Tarpit: Successful attacks automatically stick to him. Can envelop and trap opponents. Flings flaming tar. Carries internal furnace, which he has to keep constantly stoked and fed when exerting himself. If the fire goes out, he solidifies.

Armor: A spirit animated magic plate armor with a magic weapon. High AC. Immune to spells effecting living creatures. Cannot be turned. The weapon it carries is its bane if used against it. If a character decides to claim the armor, Armor is reactivated with the character inside.

Think: Psychic blast, psychic armor shield, flight, mind control. Insane. Likely to attack allies or go catatonic if seriously hurt.

Piper: Uses enchanted flute to deafen, stun, confuse, mind control, and kill. Can call various animals to his aid depending on the tune. He is a lurker/shadowy assassin type.

RANDOM ENCOUNTERS
Of which, I’m not a fan of. However, here’s some encounter ideas for when the party is traveling in country or going off the beaten path.

The 13: Probably just to antagonize the group. They will not fight to the death in this sort of venue.

Colonists: Prospectors, foreign agents, bandits, soldiers, traders, caravans, missionaries. Bandits may be setting an ambush, but everyone else is passing through and of varying dispositions.

Natives: Friendly and unfriendly natives in hunting parties of warriors. Witch doctors and shamen may be leading them on some unfathomable task. Chiefs may be leading a retinue on a trip. A group of native assassins may be stalking the group.

Insects: The giant variety, of course: spiders, bees, centipedes. They will be encountered near their lair.

Vermin-ish: Bat swarms, giant frogs, giant leeches,

Animals: Crocodiles swarming from the riverbank. Hippopotami disturbed in the middle of the river. Stepping in a snake pit. Angry warthogs and rhinos. Rampaging elephant herd. A leopard strike at a separated character.

DARK CONTINENT: HOME STATION

2009-05-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION
The group arrives at the colony via an ocean-going vessel. A ship can be seen near the mouth of the river firing flaming pitch into the jungle by a catapult. There is no discernable target. It appears to be a somewhat senseless act.

The group’s ship enters into a natural harbor. The docks are teeming with activity from a multitude of native laborers and colonial traders from several countries. The capital city, also called Home Station is displayed on the hills about them. It is a fine representation of a city from the old country, seemingly transported here, to the middle of a jungle.

On the highest hill are the gleaming, white walls and tall towers of the governor’s palace. The nobility and aristocracy mostly live inside governor’s palace complex. I use the mental image of Vatican City as a model. Within the walls are large amounts of intrigue between the various power groups: colonial government, religious officials, bankers, merchants, and foreign agents. These sort of challenges aren’t covered or detailed in this adventure, but DM’s are encouraged to develop them as they see fit.

Defensive walls surround the entire city. Just outside them, the characters are immediately reminded that they are not in the old country. A tremendous slum of native hovels squats about the walls. They easily double the population inside the walls. All native laborers, who are not wearing a seal, are forced out of the city after dark under pain of imprisonment. The main city gates are very busy at sun up and sun down. This is a security issue that has been implemented since the rebellion began.

Beyond the slums are mansions and plantations. Beyond that, nothing but a misty, green hell. All impenetrable jungle.

CHARACTER GOALS
The group needs money to buy transit up river, as well as an Interior travel permit. The group will soon learn that officious, petty bureaucratic tyrants run the colony and that favors and bribes are the only way to get by.

They can get some favors from “the Intended,” and money through some loans and opportunistic looting. A favor to the Interior Minister can get the permit. The DM may need to provide other opportunities depending on the characters’ actions.

OBLIGATORY
As it seems necessary to start off an adventure with some action, the characters should debark straight into a fight. This could take the form of catching a petty thief up to a full-scale native riot, perhaps a combination of the two. Or, a gang of drunken foreign sailors may take sudden offense to the characters.

In any case, soldiers will arrive to break up any fight. At best, the characters will be viewed with suspicion and given an official warning. In the worst case, a patrol of harbor police lead by a haughty bureaucrat may want to take the characters into custody because they look suspicious and their company charter papers are fake. Jail time is a possibility depending on player actions. This whole incident is meant to impress upon the players that this isn’t a frontier town where anything goes. Home Station considers itself to be highly civilized. The city is also very edgy and paranoid with the native revolt going on.

Thankfully, the Baron, a foreign ambassador and their initial contact, arrives and bails the group out of trouble with a bribe.

HIS INTENDED
The Baron doesn’t look like a baron, as he can’t be seen with ruffians, such as the party. He does know about the group’s mission, though nothing else about Kurtz. He does know all about the city and can provide some help there, but not any official help. The Baron might be willing to loan the group some funds or give them money in exchange for a minor favor or two. (Helping them out after the Obligatory incident is on the house.) He should give the party its goal of gaining an Interior travel permit, as they are setup as a mercenary company. (Travelling around the Interior, heavily armed, and without the papers, would mark the group as a bunch of highwaymen.) They won’t be able to get in with a caravan, a ship, or into an Interior station without that permit.

He invites them to dinner at Kurtz’s old estate, just outside of town. The Baron is a cousin of Kurtz’s fiancée, his “Intended.” (Name her as you will.) He will meet them there that evening. The Baron cautions the group to use the utmost discretion around her. The Intended may be told that they are off to join him, but not their true mission or Kurtz’s current status. “She does not know, but I think she suspects.”

The Kurtz estate is well known, and the group should have no problem getting there. In fact, mentioning Kurtz anywhere in the city will elicit immediate praise from any colonial. It is lavish multistory building with many native servants scurrying about. The Baron is there waiting for them and escorts them in. Inside, he introduces them to the Intended. She is a fine, elegant woman, but obviously burdened with many troubles.

At dinner, the Intended will offer whatever help she can by way of information and influence. However, she is low on funds right now and in danger of losing the estate, so no loans. The Intended has several of Kurtz’s progressively insane letters that he wrote to her from the field, which have recently stopped coming. Feel free to drop in any hints and allusions about the encounters to come up river. She wants him to come back or send for her, but she’s worried about what has become of him. “Perhaps he has become too enamored of his jungle to leave it.”

During the dinner, the mansion is attacked by two small strike teams of native assassins, each lead by one of the 13. One of them has been sent to secure a large dragon bone from the basement vault. The other is trying to capture the Intended for Kurtz. The assassins will fight to the death, but the two demons will run if their individual objectives are achieved, or if they are seriously threatened.

The native servants and guards will try to be helpful, as distractions, giving information, up to even dying for the Intended. (They are well treated here and love her.) Likewise, the Baron protects her with his life.

If the Intended is captured, give the party one, quick opportunity to rescue her, before she is lost into the jungle. If the dragon bone is taken, it is gone. The Baron will mention that there have been several such robberies lately.

Assuming the Intended is not captured, the Baron makes sure to put his personal guards at the estate after this incident. The Intended gives the party access to estates’ armory and magic stores to help them on their travels. She also gives them her engagement ring and tells the party to give it to Kurtz. He must return it to her himself if he still loves her. The ring is cursed, if the party attempts to later pawn said ring. It will reappear back in their possession the next day, along with appropriate bad luck for the rest of that day.

ASYLUM
This is something of an optional encounter. The characters learn from the Intended that a former member of Kurtz’s expedition made it back to Home Station. He has been pronounced hopelessly insane and been incarcerated. The characters might wish to talk to him for information. The Intended has not been permitted to and would appreciate hearing of anything they learn.

However, this insane person is actually a member of the 13, a mind controller type. He has virtually taken over the asylum and has established a network of unwilling spies, which funnels information back to Kurtz about the colonial government.

The inmate will say that Kurtz found the Forbidden City (not giving the location) and various other tidbits. He will want to know why the group wants to know and why they’re looking for him. Any discussion between the characters and the inmate that alludes to them knowing that Kurtz is running the native rebellion will end the discussion. When the characters try to leave, an inmate and staff riot begins with the intention of killing them. The mind controller will try to escape in the chaos. The riot stops when he leaves. Kurtz will now know that the characters are after him. If the group gets back to the Intended, she will make some effort to get the group a direct meeting with the Interior minister, without having to go through his Sub-deputy.

FAVORED
Getting into the palace may be a problem for the group. Name dropping the Intended and/or bribery will help. The Baron will disavow any knowledge of the group in public, so that name won’t work. All weapons and armor must be left at the entry gate. They could try sneaking in, but the palace grounds are well guarded. All visitors and officials must wear a royal seal on the outside of their clothes at all times as well.

From here, the group needs to see the Interior Minister to gain an Interior travel permit. They must get an appointment via the Interior Minister’s Sub-deputy. Yes, another bribe is required, or they won’t get in. Force is not an option. Mind control maybe. If the party is low on funds, they may need to do the Deputy a minor favor. This is left to the DM’s discretion. Nothing very dangerous. Then, the group may meet with the Minister.

The Minister, of course, is suspicious of the group and the price of a permit becomes quite extravagant. The party will not have anywhere near enough funds to get the travel permit anytime soon. Bribing the Minister is going to be comfortably outside the group’s income bracket. He is also well protected against other forms of persuasion. (Unless the party wants to be creative and figure out a way to blackmail him.) The Interior Minister will look the group over and comment that they look fairly tough. Perhaps they could do a small favor for the state, in exchange for the permit?

RIOT
There is a native revolt going on at a diamond quarry in the hills just outside of the city. It is contained and being kept quiet, but the natives are holed up in tough to get at underground area. The Minister gives the group introduction papers (assuming they are interested) and tells them to find the Captain in charge at the scene.

Work at the quarry is slow and there are armed guards everywhere. The Captain will accept the characters via the Minister’s papers (and being far more expendable than his own men). The natives have barricaded an entrance to a lower tunnel complex. There are many bodies of dead soldiers littering the outside of the area. It is booby-trapped and set up for ambush (including the bodies). Hopefully the characters can make use of their special talents to get past the entry.

Inside, there should only be a few chambers with guards. The final chamber contains a native witch doctor and one of the 13 and several bags of rough diamonds. The demon will grab up a couple of bags and attempt to make a quick exit. Natives in the chamber will all fight to the death to help him escape.

This encounter should leave the group in the room with a bunch of diamonds. They will need to hide them quickly, as troops will be coming in soon after the final battle. If they can hide or bluff their way out with them, fencing stolen the diamonds should not be difficult. Where bureaucracies rule, black markets abound.

The group should not have money problems after this encounter. Having done the Minister a favor, the group will also find an Interior travel permit waiting for them wherever they are living. A thank you note with an official seal is included to help them in their travels and the name of a recommended caravan company. The Baron has also left a note. The Owner of the Dagger Inn at Central Station is their next contact.

DARK CONTINENT: CENTRAL STATION

2009-05-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION
The river is not navigable to Central Station, so a week of portage is in order. The road is well trod, but was dangerous even before the revolt. The caravan arrives at a large, dirty, and wild town, Central Station. It is the safest place in the Interior for colonials from the revolt, but not from each other. It is a dangerous place.

CHARACTER GOALS
The group needs make its way to Central Station and then hire a boat to get up river. The revolt has made it difficult to find captains willing to take a fare at any price. The group also needs to meet with the Owner of the Dagger Inn to get information and their next contact.

CARAVAN
Tramping off alone down the path to Central Station is not recommended. At least a guide is necessary. The safest option is to travel with a caravan. The group may either buy their way in or offer their services as guards for the trip. Their travel permit papers will be asked for.

The caravan will go by several estates and native villages, all abandoned. There are no set encounters here. However, there should be daily attacks by natives, the 13, colonial bandit gangs, and even wild animals. None of these should be particularly lethal in and of themselves (the 13 will not fight to the death here), but there should be a steady attrition of men and resources. By the end of this trek, the players should be convinced that the Interior is a dangerous, un-welcoming place.

SOLDIER TOWN
This large walled town is well guarded with many troops. Those manning their posts are alert and suspicious. The characters will simply be just another band of colonial mercenaries and therefore not raise any undue concern, as long as they have their travel papers. Inside, the attitude is much more relaxed, if not drunk and disorderly. The town is crowded with anxious refugees, greedy merchants, mercenaries spoiling for a fight, and natives trying not to attract any attention. There are actually fewer natives here than colonials. It is unpleasant and uncomfortable everywhere within. DM’s are encouraged to embellish on this theme as they wish.

MEETINGS
The Dagger Inn and Meade House is the largest inn in town and easy to spot. There are a bunch of beehives in the back of the building to make the honey for the meade. Weapons and armor are checked at the door, but fighting is somewhat encouraged. If the group needs reinforcements or replacements, there will be plenty of options here. However, there will be a constant buzz in the air about Kurtz. He is revered here, so the party best not divulge their real mission, only mentioning that they are joining up with him.

Getting the Owner’s attention behind the bar is easy. The characters will need to name drop and show some proof that they know the Baron, before he’ll want to talk business in the back. The Owner basically knows just about everything going on the colony. Go ahead and drop some hints about things to come. The Owner will give the group their next contact just before they leave. He can recommend only one ship for the characters’ transit up river.

At this time, there’s a single independent ship captain willing to go up river. The Captain asks for a hefty price to be paid up front (and to see their travel papers). His boat is stuck in the river at low tide and needs money for repairs, which is the only reason he’s taking the job. The characters are going to have to cool their heels for a week or two waiting on the boat.

AMUSEMENTS
While they’re waiting, the group should have several options for finding trouble.

A posse is being formed to hunt down a wounded member of the 13 in the jungle. A reward is offered for capture. Smells like a trap.

There is already a captured member of the 13 being held in a pit-fighting arena. Contenders are unarmored and given only blunt instruments to fight with, and no magic allowed. You have to last four rounds to claim the prize money, which consists of all the entry fees paid up to this point. So far, there have been no winners, just a couple of accidental fatalities.

A circus comes to town. (WTF!) They have been invited by the idiot Manager of the station (who was also behind the posse and the pit-fighting). This is, of course, a rouse by one of the 13 to break out any of his comrades who have been captured. The Manager is not working for the enemy. He just isn’t taking the rebellion seriously.

The nearly famous Eldorado Exploration Company frequents the Inn. They are looking for some muscle to check out a possible gold deposit to claim it. They are offering an impressive share of any loot. The 13 have been passing out fake treasure maps to lead greedy fools into ambushes. The Eldorado Exploration Company will run at the first sign of combat. (The group may be meeting these losers again at the next station.) There should be some actual treasure to be had in the way of magic items and such, if the party makes it out of the trap.

BOUNTY
Just to remind the group that their characters are in fact wanted men, this would be a good place for an attack by a group of bounty hunters. It should be right before they plan to leave. The hunters will be attacking the party by non-lethal means. The group will need to work fast and be very circumspect to avoid the authorities getting involved in any fight. The bounty hunters might settle for capturing one or two characters and trying to leave town with them (the bounty has to be paid by the colonial governor), in which case a rescue mission will be in order.

DARK CONTINENT: INNER STATION

2009-05-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION
From here, the characters enter a war-zone. Colonial forces here are thin and under constant attack. No subtly here, just a long, running battle. The DM should make sure to give the characters access to plenty of means of healing or this may be over quick.

CHARACTER GOALS
Survival, pure and simple. They are going to have to fight their way to the next stage.

INTERDICTION
The trip to Inner Station should take about a week. A day out from Central Station, the group’s riverboat will start to come under attack by natives. It begins with simple potshots from the riverbank by unseen assailants. Then a stealth attack at night by assassins in canoes. When the boat stops for some supplies (the Captain wants to look for some mangoes) at what turns out to be an abandoned village, they will take a full on attack from both banks, boarding parties in canoes, and one of the 13.

A day out from the station, the group is supposed to meet their next contact, the captain of a small military galley. They will see the smoke before they get there. The galley is moored next to a native riverboat, which is in flames. Both ships are recent derelicts with both crews dead. There is no sign of the attackers. There are plenty of supplies and healing potions aboard the galley for raiding. Two canoes with natives appear, coming from up river. These are “friendlies” and take no hostile action. Their story is that they are fleeing a coming battle at the station. They think they’ve seen a dragon in the area.

HIT THE BEACH
Inner Station is a walled port town located on a small lake near a large set of falls. The town is under full-scale assault when the group arrives. The ship Captain is a brave man, but not stupid. He attempts to turn around at this point and go back down river.

This may be something of a turning point in the adventure. The Captain cannot be bribed or talked into going in, and the crew will follow his lead. Mind control or magic used on the Captain will be met with suspicion by the crew. If the group uses force, the crew will only fight as long as the Captain is able to fight, and then they will desert. The characters by themselves should be able to steer the ship in to port from where they are, if needed. There are no lifeboats or canoes aboard. Swimming, especially with armor and gear, will be highly impractical. If the group can fly or teleport, good for them.

If the party decides to go back up river and debark further away from the battle, the town falls. The party will run into native patrols that are looking for survivors on the way back. When they arrive, the town is overrun with natives. The only colonists there are bodies being flung into a mass grave. There is no one to save. The group should run into some survivors in the jungle, who will be trying to get to the forts at the Last Bridge.

“Hitting the beach” for an attack will be a hectic affair.

First, the ship is going to take fire arrows and magical fire (a wand of fireballs) from a small watchtower overlooking a shoal in front of the harbor. If the characters attempt to fly or swim in, they may take direct fire from the tower. The riverboat may take mortal damage and crash into reef, but the characters can jump off from there. The small group of natives holding the tower will be distracted by another boat trying to leave port, and the group will be able to get the drop on them.

The layout of the town can be clearly seen from the watchtower. There are warehouses near the docks, some of which are on fire. There is another tower in the middle of town. What looks like a large inn and a large temple are just up the road from the tower. There are a couple of large mansions directly to the east of the docks. On a small bluff overlooking the town is a keep, which is smoldering from the inside.

There are many civilians huddled in ships at the docks. They cannot leave without being destroyed by the watchtower. If the tower has been taken, they’ll still be afraid to leave, unless they are told it is safe. They are determinedly holding back an attack from several natives and a member of the 13. If the demon is driven off, the natives will surrender immediately. They are afraid of their allies, Orcs and the undead.

The warehouses have been overrun by Orcs. (In this case, I’m referring to men devolved into near apes, or apes evolved into near men. Take your pick.) They are leaderless at the moment and are looting and pillaging. Their chief is in the area having an impromptu feast. This group can be routed easily with a stiff fight.

The Sheriff’s Tower in the middle of town appears to be unoccupied. The sheriff and his deputies are dead inside. There are a couple of native assassins inside in hiding, waiting for an unguarded moment to strike. There are healing potions and other items that can be raided in the lockers.

The estates are under attack by a member of the 13 and several low-level undead creatures (including some dead colonials: soldiers, civilians, and the Eldorado Exploration Company). The private guards there are holding them back. The group can conceivably catch the attackers off guard. If the demon is driven off, the undead will collapse. Here, the group can pick up a few allies in the form of the private guards.

Banana Bar and Inn has a large number of Orc and undead bodies laying about its grounds. The patrons and staff, combined with some stout construction, have successfully repelled several attacks. A few allies may be gained here in the form of mercenaries.

The large chapel just up the road is under heavy attack, as most of the surviving soldiers from the keep have holed up here, along with most of the civilians. A member of the 13 and a mixed group of natives, Orcs, and undead are attacking. The natives will all flee the moment battle turns. The Orcs, undead, and even the demon (the commander of the attack) will all fight to the death. A few soldiers from inside may be able to come out and help.

The group learns that nearly all the town leaders have been killed. The group will functionally be in charge with the survivors looking to them for directions. The keep, they will learn, was hit by a dragon. It is still there.

There is a short path up the bluff to the keep. It seems very quiet. The keep itself is deserted, except for one large red dragon lying in the courtyard. He has obviously been badly wounded. The group might be able to surprise him, but more likely, he will detect a lot movement in the area. The dragon, Hellion, will want to parley. He was goaded into this attack by Kurtz and is truly ruing the arrangement. Hellion simply wishes to leave in peace at this point. An attack by the party, or if they let their guard down too much, and Hellion will try to use his breath weapon. Unfortunately, he has already exhausted that for the day and what comes out is a wave of acidic puke. It doesn’t cause damage, but its reek will likely sicken everyone in the keep. The dragon will attempt to fly off and escape.

When the battle is over, the characters will be thrust into the role of town leadership. The townspeople will be frightened and wanting instructions and reassurance. The DM should make things as uncomfortable as possible for the players until a flotilla of reinforcements arrives from Central Station the next day.

The reinforcements are lead by a borderline insane, gung ho Commander. He will be convinced that the characters are reinforcements from Kurtz, regardless of anything the characters say. At this point, the players may not know what to do. Not a problem. The Commander will draft them on the spot to join him for a mission to relieve the forts at the falls up river.

THE LAST BRIDGE
A day away by portage path from the lake is the narrowest, shallowest part of the river, which is next to the falls. There is a nearly ruined bridge and two small forts on either side of it. The fort on the characters’ side of the river is still being held. The other fort has been overrun by Orcs and undead and is constantly attacking them.

The Commander and his troops arrive with the characters in tow. The players will likely be looking for some means of escape from this chicken outfit. Unfortunately, they are surrounded by a large military escort. Play up that the Commander is nuts.

The troops being relieved are completely shell-shocked from constant attacks. The Commander’s first task, as he sees it, is to re-take the fort on the other side of the river. He’ll order a two-pronged frontal assault over the bridge and fording the river at its lowest point. The troops already at the keep will strongly advise against it, but he’ll only chastise them for not doing it themselves.

If the characters ask around among the local troops, they know that Kurtz is somewhere in the Interior. The only way to get there is to get up the falls and hook up with a friendly native tribe. However, one of the 13 and a large group of Orcs and undead are headquartered at an old ruined temple at the top of the falls. Going too deep into the jungle to flank the falls is certain death. There is a portage path up the side of the falls on the other side of the river. It’s suicide to try it. There is also a secret tunnel behind the falls that leads up to the temple. It’s guarded by something dangerous. Of course, there’s another option, which we’ll discuss shortly.

The Commander asks for volunteers to join him on a recon at night to scope out the other fort before the attack tomorrow. If the players are smart, they’ll recognize this as a great opportunity to escape.

The players can choose whatever means they want to get across the river, but the Commander and his personal guards will be with them the whole way. The front gate of the small keep has been smashed open. The inner bailey is partly submerged from a flash flood of the river during the initial attack upon it. Everything is ominously quiet within. The keep itself is actually nearly deserted, but for a few undead guards. There may be some unspoiled rations and other supplies in the rooms. The Commander will want to start moving troops over at once and attack temple on the falls tomorrow. Then there is a series of high-pitched shrieks outside.

If you own a copy of Ride of Valkrieyes, this is where to start the music. Taking off from the top of the falls, a squadron of Goblins riding giant bats attack the other fort. (Goblins in this case are small, evolved chimp-like men.) They begin firebombing the area and then dive crapping it for good measure. A force of Orcs come howling down the stone steps of the portage path beside the falls. They charge across the low part of the river and begin a frontal attack on the fort.

The Commander is flabbergasted. He and his men begin running for their fort. He tells the characters to hold the keep in a rearguard action to ensure his safety. At this point, the characters are on their own. The flooded keep is actually fairly safe from attack. How the battle goes is irrelevant to their mission. They may choose to wait it out, join the battle, or perhaps try the secret path behind the waterfall. (DM’s choice as to the monster guarding it.) A few of the giant bats will lose their riders and decide to rest on one of the flooded keep’s towers. From there, they could possibly be caught and ridden. Just a thought.

THE FALLS
There is an old temple grounds on the shore at the top of the falls. It was built long ago and has been partially flooded by changes in the river. There is one large stone building situated at one end that was something of a monastery. The area is nearly deserted. Inside the building is the demon commander, one of the 13, along with several large undead guards. He has been waiting for the characters to come to him, and he will fight here to the death.

After the battle, a large number of natives surround the area. They make no hostile moves. Their leader asks if the characters are here to kill Kurtz. If the group says, “Yes,” the chief answers, “We will help you to find him.”

DARK CONTINENT: THE INTERIOR

2009-05-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION
Into the dark heart of the continent. There are no colonists here and the natives are not the group’s friends. All of the areas here are hostile or require intense negotiation. Stops include a trip to see the native god Satha, Hellion, and Kurtz’s Interior estate.

CHARACTER GOALS
Don’t get killed smarting off to the native god or the big dragon. There are allies to be made and powerful magic items to collect.

ENTER THE SNAKE
The natives are not “Friendlies.” If asked, the natives will say they are still enemies of the colonists, but there is a greater threat to them both. Their benefactor, Kurtz, has started using sub-humans and turning the natives into undead; troops he can control absolutely. Soon, there will be no need for the natives. The native god, Satha, has heard of the characters. He has summoned them to an audience, as their magic and power may help topple Kurtz.

The group is taken, assuming they’re willing, further up river by canoe. They are then given an hallucinogenic mixture (not an option if they want to continue) and lead overland to a location deep in the jungle. The characters come to their senses in front of a cave. If you’re a DM good at creating logic puzzles, this would be a great place for one. Otherwise, how about Shambling Mounds or some other such vegetal guardians? Something to test the characters’ worthiness before meeting with a “god.”

The party enters a large underground cavern. A tremendous hissing sound is audible. A 20’ tall armored wall spans the middle of the room. As the characters approach, a giant snake head rears up. His enormous tongue flicks out over the party to smell them. With a voice like thunder, the creature introduces himself as Satha, god of all. "You may all bow.”

Anyone not bowing, will get swallowed and quickly spit out, before being allowed to try bowing again. (Don’t give Satha any stats. If it has stats, it can be killed.) Satha has severe delusions of grandeur, but he’s pretty darn grand as is. He is sane enough to realize that he needs the characters to take out Kurtz. Hopefully the characters will realize Satha’s tips could be quite helpful in their quest.

While he is certainly against the colonials, Satha has his own plans for running them out. Kurtz is fighting the colonials as well and has seduced many of the natives to his cause. But what he is really doing is trying to destroy both sides so that he can rule. “His actions will destroy my people, grinding them to powder against you. He surrounds himself with monsters, sub-human creatures, and demons. He is no friend of my people.” Satha insists that “the devil must kill the devil.” He will have them lead to the place where they can acquire an ally and then to the Forbidden City, where Kurtz is. The characters will then be dismissed.

At best, the players will come out of this having just gotten a lecture and their marching orders. At worst, they will have made a powerful enemy. I’ll stick with the best case here. A very old Treant, one of the guardians of the area, will be the group’s guide. He carries with him a variety of native food and healing mixtures if needed, but doesn’t fight.

ENTER THE DRAGON
The Treant brings the group up into the mountains. The party will be told not to bother mapping, as there is an enchantment, which hides their destination. In a secluded, hidden valley, is a glittering white field of bones. This is the Boneyard, the secret graveyard of the dragons. The characters will be warned not to take any of the bones, as it will invoke the wrath of the guardian dragon, Hellion. They are also advised that they have been brought here to gain an ally, not slay a dragon. Trent waits for them outside.

The dragon sleeps in a raised open temple with an excellent view of the whole valley. He will appear to be sleeping until the characters come near. He will say he remembers them without actually opening his eyes. If the characters insist on fighting the dragon, he’s a large, ancient red. Otherwise, he’s quite amused by the company and wants to know how they got there and why. (The players may be wondering about this as well.) The characters need only mention being sent by Satha for help against Kurtz, and he will understand.

Hellion will give a highly biased version of his backstory with Kurtz (as laid out in the Dark Continent Background section). He will mention the Forbidden City, Kurtz’s seat of power. Kurtz lives on an island in the river running next to the city. It is surrounded by a lethal red mist. If it were dispersed, or an opening made, he could enter and “discuss” his differences with Kurtz. He will be keeping an eye on the area, waiting for an opportunity.

Hellion looks the group over and shakes his head. He is doubtful of the group’s success. Offhandedly, he mentions he is leaving for next 24 hours. Guarding the bones is his sacred duty, but he needs a day off every so often. He would hunt down anyone stealing his bones (such as Kurtz), though there are other items that he guards, that he’s not so sentimental about. With that, he gets up, revealing a capstone in the floor, which he casually pops open, and then he takes off.

Underneath that capstone is an old crypt, a burial ground of heroes and kings. It is terribly haunted of course. Various sorts of powerful corporeal and incorporeal undead should react badly to being disturbed. The rewards however are the powerful magic armor, weapons, and items that these personages were buried with. This should be a harrowing encounter though. “Smash, grab, and run” should the characters’ tactics.

If the players are sick of being lead around by the nose, they need not worry further. When they exit, they find Treant is dead and apparently tortured before that. The telltale signs of the 13 should be in evidence. More pressingly, the group is lost in uncharted jungle. They won’t be able to find their way back into the valley. (Kurtz found his way past this magical baffling, thanks to his high-level magical powers.) At some point in wandering (DM’s discretion), they should eventually come across a native village. Assuming they’re going to be asking for help, the natives will do so and take them to the nearest colonial village. Of course, these natives are in the thrall of Kurtz. They will lead the characters right into a trap and disappear after they’ve done so.

KURTZ’S STATION
The settlement where the characters have been lead to is Kurtz’s old Interior station. There is a small keep with a mill next to the river with a sign that labels Kurtz as the stationmaster. Other than some meager supplies, the keep only contains a scrawled message across its inside walls, “Exterminate all the brutes!” There is an overly large cemetery of fresh, upturned graves next to the station. Beyond that is untended fields of crops. On a bluff overlooking everything is a magnificent mansion. Significantly noticeable, there are no birds or other wildlife visible or even sounds of them in the area.

The fields are the domain of one of the 13, the Insect Master. Entering the fields, the group will be attacked by scarecrows and crop warriors (plant golems). Further in are hives of giant locusts, giant wasps, and giant ants, which all attack in swarms. The only way to keep from getting overwhelmed is to kill the master. He’ll be elusive, but will fight to the death here.

ELYSIUM
Kurtz’s Interior estate for his Intended was meant to be a paradise. Elysium is even the name on the gates. There are any number of artistic flourishes and little Cupid statues and such adorning the building. The phrase, “For my Intended” is inscribed on every brick and stone. Paintings and sculptures of her are everywhere inside.

One of the 13 guards this palace, the Undead Master. Advanced, powerful, regenerating, and fast (hastened) zombie creatures roam the grounds and rooms. They are relentless hunters with a keen telepathic sense guiding them and coordinating their packs. Supernatural darkness fills the interiors. The master himself hides inside the estate, directing his minions. When confronted, he wields an energy-draining sword and fights to the death (or undeath in his case). His demise deactivates the zombies and lifts the darkness.

There are any number of riches, supplies, and equipment likely to be had here, but the most important item is in the study. There, among the many books and loose notes is a large map on the wall showing the route to the Forbidden City.

DARK CONTINENT: THE FORBIDDEN CITY

2009-05-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION
The party will be able to get a good look at their final destination before reaching it. A rough semi-circle of a walled city hugs the river shore. An island, surrounded by a red mist, sits just off the city in the middle of the river, connected by a bridge. The ancient city is massive, but in jungle-covered ruin. A few large buildings can be seen within. The city walls have fallen down in several places and are unguarded. Land entry will be unopposed. Airborne entry will attract the attention of the Thunderbird, described below.

Large, hungry-looking aquatic dinosaur-era creatures patrol this river. The group should be given a good look at them before trying any waterborne assault on the island, which they should conclude, is their final destination. The creatures should also attack anything lingering on shore too long.

CHARACTER GOALS
This is the remaining 13’s last stand. Distribute the remaining 13 amongst these four areas: the Museum, the Opera House, the Prison, and the Cathedral. Here they all fight to the death. The characters’ near suicidal motivation for fighting these creatures on their home turf are the keys that the 13 hold, which will allow the characters to get to the island and at Kurtz. Some of the keys are held and some are protected in the buildings. The group needs all four keys to open the gate on the bridge to the island.

HEMISPHERE
This is long lost proper name of the city. I’m using Paris as a model, though with extensive changes. Jungle has covered much of the city, with orchids growing everywhere. Except for the largest and sturdiest of structures, the rest is in ruins.

THE GRAND AVENUE
A single, broad street goes down the center of the city and is the only easily navigable path. It is also extensively watched by the city’s inhuman inhabitants. Each of the main sites of the city exists along either side of the road. (Obviously not like the real Champs Elysees in Paris.) The street terminates in a massive fallen arch and a nearly collapsed bridge leading to the island.

THE TOWER
This feature sits in the center of the city, in the middle of the Grand Avenue. It can be seen from anywhere inside the city (unlike the real Eiffel Tower). Unfortunately, what lives up there can do likewise and it has a good set of eyes. This is the nest of the Thunderbird, a very large man-eating avian. The group should get a glimpse of the creature feeding on pedestrians beforehand as a warning not to stray out in the open too long. Flying objects immediately attract its attention.

The Tower stands 1,063 ft high, about 81 building levels, as per Wikipedia. It is also encrusted in massive chunks of bird crap, which get thicker and fresher, the higher you go. A colony of giant beetles exists just off this fodder. There are three main levels, connected by a series of open stairs with step count on the side of the stairs. Narrow gangways cross the width with very impressive and relatively unobstructed downward views (in other words, big drops). A winding spiral stairwell comes to the top third level. Here is the Thunderbird’s nest, which is filled with human bones and shiny items like gold, gems, jewels, and even magic items.

THE SEWERS
"Sire," said the Minister of the Interior to Napoleon, "yesterday I saw
the most intrepid man in your Empire."
"What man is that?" said the Emperor brusquely, "and what has he done?"
"He wants to do something, Sire."
"What is it?"
"To visit the sewers of Paris."

Find Les Miserables by Victor Hugo online and start reading at Volume V/Book 2. The Intestine of the Leviathan/Chapter I. The Land Impoverished by the Sea. From there and into Book 3, you’ll find out everything you ever wanted to know about the sewers of Paris. I cower in embarrassment at my own feeble attempts to put this into an RPG adventure.

This isn’t exactly the safest way to get around Hemisphere, but it is an option. The sewer even has direct connections to the other major areas, allowing for some surprise entries by the characters. There should be a one large open crater on the Avenue that also provides direct access to it. Otherwise, there should be several other less conspicuous opportunities to gain entrance.

All the lines follow the streets above. There are signs at the intersections. The sewers are navigable by rafts and small boats, which are found in various states throughout the underground. Tributaries feed into to the large trunk sewer line, the Grand Sewer, which has walkways on either side. The trunk feeds into an enormous shaft 280 ft deep and into the river. Different sections of the sewer come from different ages and can vary remarkably in appearance. There are markings and even warnings everywhere from other expeditions. Lost treasures, jewels, and even a crown can be found here. Disturbing skeletons of animals, perhaps escaped from the zoo or elsewhere, also litter the sewers.

This isn’t a pleasant place, even beyond the garbage. There are explosive methane gas pockets, sinkholes, quicksand, mudslides, and flash floods of mud and garbage that can actually burst the tunnels. Massive fungus and mushroom growths populate the underground. Some of them are hazardous. The garbage heaps by the drains are filled with swarms of rats, giant rats, and even giant cockroaches. Crocodiles patrol the waterways. Giant spiders have spun traps down some of the tunnels. And be careful, the main sewer river outlet is a nesting ground for the river creatures.

The most intelligent creatures in the sewers are the Lizard Men. These creatures are the degenerate inbred cousins of the Serpent Men, who live on the island. The groups will have nothing to do with each other. The Lizard Men aren’t smart and are fearful of any surface dwellers, but are not automatically hostile if approached correctly. Treated and rewarded well (food) and they can be enticed to act as guides through the sewers. They also have a little information about the island. As an enemy, they can be deadly, as this is their home and they know it well.

THE MUSEUM
Reference the Louvre, which I’ve never gotten a good look at, so I’m going to be vague. There is an empty reflecting pool in front. The building has three wings with a pyramid structure at its hub. Different sections of the museum are dedicated to different foreign cultures and antiquities. Of course, anything that could easily be hauled away, has been. What’s left is what’s too heavy to move and things that have been lost, or are hidden, or are dangerous. It is an empty, desolate place.

This is a lair of the 13. The members that are here will be very dangerous and have a definite home field advantage. Other dangers include numerous sculptures that are actually golems, piles of dust that form into Sandmen, and even animated dinosaur skeletons. The key is kept in a painting. It is the only remaining painting in the hall, so it’s pretty conspicuous. The key is in the clutches of a monster (DM’s choice). The inscription reads, “Speak the name of the Master and enter.” The name is, of course, Kurtz. This instantly transports the speaker into the painting and into battle. Either the monster is defeated and character is transported out with the key, or the character is defeated and their body is transported out. Only one person can go in at a time.

THE PRISON
Essentially the Bastille. Entry is made via a drawbridge. The building is made up of eight close-packed towers, around 24 m (80 ft) high. Six of the towers form the outer courtyard and are filled with prison cells. The other two towers have a separate drawbridge and courtyard and are there for the jailers and the armory. Beneath the inner courtyard is the dungeon, which features the worst conditions in the prison, filled with slime, ooze, and vermin.

This is a lair of the 13. One of the four keys is worn on whoever is the Chief Jailer. The prison is filled with Orcs and Goblins. Think Tucker’s Kobolds. They have trapped this place to the hilt, but are numerous enough to make Banzai charges as well. The Jailer will move around to keep the traps and minions in between himself and the characters.

THE CATHEDRAL
Essentially Notre Dame, a giant Gothic cathedral. It has been extensively desecrated with graffiti and alterations to honor Kurtz. This is the home of one of Kurtz’s newest experiments: the laughing men, who are basically hyena men (Gnolls). If this helps to set the scene, they’ve all painted their faces up like clowns and are continually laughing hysterically. Think of the Joker. They’re not very intelligent, but are cunning on their home turf. Their leader is a hunchback called Hunch, who lives in the big bell tower.

This is a lair of the 13. There is a key around the neck of whoever is the Head Priest. It doesn’t look like a gate key, but is actually the key to the bell tower. The gate key is in the big bell. Hunch will sneak attack whoever goes in after it by ringing the bell. He is immune to the sonic effects, but the characters won’t be. Also of note here (I should die for that pun), is the gigantic house organ, which also functions as a sonic weapon. And what would a Gothic cathedral be without vicious Gargoyles all along the outside of the building?

THE OPERA HOUSE
From Wikipedia: In 1896, one of the counter-weights for the grand chandelier fell, killing one. This, as well as the underground lake, cellars and other elements of the Opera House, inspired Gaston Leroux in 1909 to write his classic Gothic novel, The Phantom of the Opera.

In keeping with the theme, this place has many phantoms, incorporeal undead. Fortunately for the characters, they are the ghosts of theater people. That is to say, they are very self-involved and only interested in each other’s affairs. There are a couple of belligerent ones, but unless interrupted or provoked, they will ignore the characters. Unfortunately, some will insist that the characters help them finish a scene, rehearse, or do an improv. (DM’s, you’ll know you’re playing this out correctly if the players say in exasperation, “Screw this! I draw my sword!”)

Members of the 13 here are all dressed alike, as the Phantom. Their goal is constant harassment and subterfuge. They will activate trap doors, snipe from the viewing boxes, and drop chandeliers. They have full knowledge of the building, all the hidden staircases, secret passages, and the 200 dressing rooms and instrument closets. The chase should go through the several sublevels of the opera house which house the cellars for food and barrels of wine, as well as the scenery, props, and wardrobe.

The finale leads to the underground lake with a jetty and a boat on the shore, and a small island with a home on it. The key is inside the house. It sits by itself in the middle of a room, and of course is some sort of fiendish trap.

THE GATE
There is a large, crumbling bridge that leads to the red misted island in the river. It is at the end of the Grand Avenue, just beyond the fallen arch monument. At the end of the bridge, is a large magic gate with slots for four keys. Basically, nothing can damage the gate. With all four keys in, it opens, but not for anything else (at least from the outside).

The red mist that surrounds the island is not immediately lethal, but will kill anything entering it within three rounds, regardless of any precautions. Flying and swimming will meet with same result and attract the attention of the Thunderbird or the “Loch Ness Monsters” in the river. Teleportation and such will not work. I suppose you could burrow down from the riverbank, go underneath the river, and then dig up to the island. This kind of “chunnel” project will require massive public works funds and intensive Congressional lobbying. Give the players some credit for trying though.

The players may well try the gates before going through any of the other city encounters. A taunting, clue-dropping attack by one of the 13 will probably be in order. After the gates are opened, Hellion and Satha will both be aware of it. A blast of dragonfire from up in the clouds will knockdown the gates, permanently fixing the opening. (Once open, the gates lose their protective enchantment.) Hellion will be waiting on the characters to soften things up, before he enters. Satha is too much of a coward to directly enter the fight. However, at the DM’s discretion, he may teleport a troop of fanatical native warriors in to assist the characters.

DARK CONTINENT: THE INFINITE TEMPLE

2009-05-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DESCRIPTION
Entering past the gate and the red mist, the raised temple will be clearly visible, as it dominates the island. The model for this is roughly Angkor Wat in Cambodia. The rectangular temple complex consists of an outer wall, a large moat, an inner wall, an enclosed forest, the sanctuary, and the central the five-towered temple with its own inner moat. The sanctuary and temple are on terraced ground, commanding the landscape.

CHARACTER GOALS
If the players aren’t motivated to storm the island and confront Kurtz after everything they’ve been through to this point, I don’t know how they got this far.

THE OUTER TEMPLE GROUNDS
The outer earthen wall is not defensive, but simply keeps in the moat. There is an open sandstone causeway that crosses the moat. This leads to another open entrance in the inner retaining wall, and then a straight path into the forest and to the sanctuary.

The causeway and the road are lined with the hanging bodies of natives killed in a ritualistic manner. They are strung from ropes held up by poles, like macabre telephone lines. All of the trees in the forest have several bodies hanging from them. The smell of rotting flesh is nearly overwhelming. The dead here are being “ripened” for an undead army. A few here and there will have fallen to the ground and will rise to attack trespassers.

There are groups of harmless herd animals roaming the inner forest. They are kept there as a food supply for a megaraptor. A flock of pterodactyls that lives in the sanctuary towers hunts around the island as well.

There is one standalone building off by the side of the road. The large, heavy wooden doors are unlocked and entry is unopposed. It is obviously a library. There are rows of bookshelves with large numbers of scrolls stacked on the shelves. A search through the building will find the campsite of Kurtz’s expedition and yield supplies, healing potions, and other gear. If some of the scrolls are searched and can be deciphered, many magic spells are there to be had. By and large, these should be lower level spells. The more complex ones would require extended study.

THE SANCTUARY
Bas-reliefs cover the outside of the walls, celebrating the Serpent Men culture. The inner walls of the of the temple are galleries. They are filled with bodies of sleeping Serpent Men. Yes, the temple is a big Sleestack hibernation chamber. They can’t be woken up without a blood ritual, so the characters are okay there. However, several of them are awake and stalking them. They have thief-like stealth and flanking attacks, and are potent spell casters with high AC (skin and agility). Their goal is to ambush and slow down the party. They use the sleeping bodies to attempt to appear more numerous.

THE TEMPLE
Surrounding the five towers is an inner moat. There is a very steep stairway that leads between two giant stone Serpent Men statues which guard the open entrance. Also guarding it is the Fool. This man appears to be a colonist. He claims to have sought out Kurtz to worship him and document his triumph. Perhaps he is. Perhaps he’s a manifestation of a dark elder god. In any case, the Fool’s main purpose is to be annoying. He will follow the characters around and drone on endlessly about how great Kurtz is and his epic plans for the future. If he’s killed, unfortunately he resurrects in short order. Encourage the players to be creative in dealing with him.

The open towers are over 100 ft. tall, with the center one being the tallest. There are four small courtyards filled with water inbetween the towers. The surrounding towers each have another massive Serpent Man statue inside, more hibernating Serpent Men, and more Serpent Men ambushes. The pterodactyl nests won’t be a problem, unless the characters go outside.

KURTZ AND THE FINAL BATTLE
The central tower contains Kurtz and a group of Serpent Men conducting a ceremony. They knew the characters were coming. The attacks in the temple were just to slow them down enough to allow them to finish the ritual. They are standing around a sea (a big bowl) of blood. There is an enormous pit before them with no apparent bottom. The purpose of the ceremony is to summon the Serpent Men’s Master and awaken the rest of the tribe. The group arrives just in time to see the Master come out of the pit. If the ceremony is allowed to continue, more Serpent Men will be awakened.

So who is the mysterious Kurtz? He’s a high level wizard with an appropriate amount of magic items. I’ll list a few possibilities for the final encounter, just to keep the ending unpredictable. If Kurtz is killed during the encounter, his last words must be, “The horror! The horror!”

**Kurtz is dead and stuffed. He is just a powerful zombie-like creature.

**Kurtz is a heavily conditioned cipher of the Serpent Men and only acts at their orders. Mentioning his Intended and showing him the wedding ring, will disrupt their hold on him.

**Kurtz is the leader of the Serpent Men and has nearly turned into one of them. Mentioning his Intended drives Kurtz totally insane, lashing out at everybody.

**Kurtz body-swaps minds with the Fool. Imagine the surprise.

**Kurtz has been collaborating with the Serpent Men, biding his time and hoping to escape. He allies himself with the group against them.

**There’s more than one Kurtz at the temple thanks to a clone spell. The real one has one motive. The fake one has another.

To really spice things up, have the Intended there. She has been captured and has been brought to the temple to be sacrificed. Perhaps her sacrifice is Kurtz’s final initiation test. Perhaps he’s brought her there to either join him or die. This could add an additional emotional element to the battle, or it could add an unnecessary complication. Your call.

Who is the Serpent Men’s Master? I was thinking of a giant shell dragon, but any giant monster will do, as long as it has stats. The ceremony in progress won’t bring the Serpent Men out of hibernation, but will bring the Master.

If things start to get bad for the characters, remind them that they are there to get Kurtz. If things get really bad (or the characters succeed in grabbing Kurtz), Arc Light! Call in the airstrike! Hellion rips the top off the temple and lets loose with a blast of dragonfire. Give the players Hellion’s stats and let the giant monster rumble begin.

The inevitable conclusion of the fight will be death throes of the loser dragging the winner into the pit. Assume the temple goes down at this point and takes the Master, the Serpent men, and Hellion with it. The temple moat waters fill it in. A short time later, the island shudders and then the entire sanctuary collapses into a pit. The retaining walls crack and the moat starts to flood the forest, forming a lake. Hopefully, the characters will be watching the destruction from a safe distance.

CONCLUSION
Assuming the characters are victorious, they will be delivering Kurtz or Kurtz’s head back to civilization. They will not be molested by any natives on the way back, other than a message from Satha. Perhaps congratulations and an offer of permanent alliance, or perhaps a taunt and a challenge. The rebellion is over for the moment in any case.

The group will be credited with ending the war and hailed as heroes by the colonists. They need not worry about bounty hunters. They will have a full honors military escort back to Home Station. Kurtz or what’s left of his body will also be honored, with no one knowing his actual role in these affairs. The governor will invite the group to dinner at the palace and draw out their apportioned fiefs on a map.

The final sad or happy duty for the group will be meeting with the Intended (assuming she wasn’t at the temple). If there is a happy reunion, Kurtz will thank the characters and pledge to leave this Dark Continent behind. Otherwise, she will ask about Kurtz’s final fate and his last words.

“His last word--to live with,” she murmured. “Don't you understand I
loved him--I loved him--I loved him!”

I pulled myself together and spoke slowly. “The last word he pronounced was--your name.”

The End

Coca-Cola 600: The Real Thing

2009-05-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, right to the race this time with no nonsense, since there was a threat of rain. There was a better crowd than I expected, given that it was technically the day after the race and there was a good chance of more rain. Not to mention, the crowd was badly jerked around yesterday. These fans are hardcore.

There was finally a mention of the Start and Park teams. They made a point of mentioning that all of the cars in the race were sponsored. When Scott Riggs and small team he drives for briefly took the lead, Fox made a point of showing his sponsors. Maybe NASCAR leaned on them to do it or not, but it was a good move anyway.

I didn’t mean to do this when I started watching, but I kept an unofficial count of Junior’s appearances during the race. Over three hours, it was about three mentions per hour of racing. This was roughly three more mentions than any other racer got who was also not in the top 30. There were other drivers that got a lot more coverage, but those guys were contending. Of course, this was nothing compared to the Danica 500 yesterday. But then again, she was in the top ten for most of the race and came in third.

If I really wanted to give myself a headache, I should started counting the commercial breaks while they were racing. Fox certainly seemed convinced that the race wasn’t going much past halfway and was trying to jam in all of their spots. Ironically, while they were in rain delay, the commercials were much less frequent.

I wouldn’t have bothered watching the first hour-long rain delay, but I was enjoying an early lunch at the time. Let me go ahead and sell out here and mention my lunch provider, Papa Johns Pizza. Yesterday, I got a large specialty Meat Lovers pizza for $10.99. Just a steal for the sheer volume of excellent toppings and the always-satisfying crust, sauce, and cheese topping. Mmmm. Mmmm. It was just as good warmed up today. (Call me, John. I have reasonable rates for sponsorship. Hell, I’ll work for free pizza.)

Over the course of the six and a half-hour broadcast, I think they got around to speaking to all the drivers. During that first delay, I became more convinced that Jimmie Johnson must shave. Really. He’s got some kind of Hitler-like mustache growing under his nose. Jimmie, don’t give your haters more fodder.

I liked their report card roundtable segment, where they graded the main teams. They were trying to make the best of a bad situation, and it was a good spirited debate. The best part was DW using the telestrator to draw dunce caps on the Hollywood Hotel guys. On the other hand, maybe they should just show commercials for the entire time and go commercial-free when the race restarts.

Just an observation. The tracks obviously can’t control the weather, but there’s always certain spots that do not dry quickly. NASCAR should mandate that those areas be identified and fixed if possible. As Chris Myers suggested, maybe a large investment in some Sham Wows.

I’d talk about the race, but wasn’t much of it and there wasn’t much action to talk about. It was hard not to notice at times that the announcers were watching a better race than what was on TV. Many on-track incidents would be mentioned, but not shown. The only good caution was the classy move to stop the race and have the Memorial Day moment of silence. This was somewhat ruined by Mike Joy’s speech chastising America for its reckless consumerism and debt. “This moment of silence brought to you by Budweiser. Memorialize this great country with the great American lager.” Okay, that’s not what he said, but it could have happened. I’d be surprised if Mike Helton didn’t pay Joy a little visit to remind him that every moment of a NASCAR broadcast displays an ad somewhere, and that they want people to buy recklessly.

I only caught bits and pieces of the other rain delays. There was Montoya and his crew chief laughing and chatting with Joey Logano. I wonder what that was about. Myers made sure to mention that Logano’s 19th birthday party would be at Chuck E. Cheese’s directly following the race. There was another interview with Jeff Gordon and looked a lot more chippy than yesterday. Driving fast is apparently good therapy for a bad back. Plenty of nice shots of Ingrid, too.

This race was decided on a gusty pit call and some meteorology. David Reutimann said he hoped to earn a win after this one. Dude, you totally earned this one on the basis of that two and half hours of agonizing (for everyone) rain delay, when it was pretty clear there wasn’t going to be any more racing. He’ll have that brand new Coca-Cola 600 trophy to keep him warm while he’s in the hospital with pneumonia from standing out in the rain the whole time. (Can’t disagree with his superstition, it worked.) Aaron’s must be happy. There’s no telling how much airtime they got.

I’m not sure what I envisioned doing today, but I certainly made a mistake in watching this. I’m almost frightened to imagine how much rain delay coverage I watched over the last two days. Mike Joy called this year’s rain-shortened Daytona 500 the biggest disappointment of the year. The rain ended what he said was shaping up to be a good race. No problem with that this time. The drivers seemed to be phoning it in, as there was only one car out, and that for mechanical reasons.

If Fox was responsible for dragging people along yesterday, NASCAR more than returned the favor to them. The announcers were clearly lobbying to end the race after the shower when the race got halfway (which was four hours in itself). By the end, they stopped even trying to be entertaining were reduced to the booth guys simply vamping for time.

So this is what we have. The broadcast networks want to put programming on at its scheduled time (and not run over into something important like “America’s Funniest Home Videos”) for sponsors and ratings. And then there’s regulatory body making every effort to finish the entire race and not disappoint the fans (and avoid taking screaming criticism for doing something like cutting off the Daytona 500 too early). What we ended up with was two wasted days to get in half a race.

NASCAR is holding a town hall meeting this week. I hope one topic they bring up is how to get these competing agendas reconciled.

J.

Coca-Cola 600: False start

2009-05-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

NASCAR can’t control the weather, but these fake-outs with the rain delay coverage have got to go. This Sunday’s Fox broadcast has hit a new low. I’d normally say that NASCAR should have blown off all the pre-race and gone directly to racing. But in this case, the track wasn’t ready from the start. They went through all the motions that they going racing even though there was no intention of doing so. Shots of the jet dryers still out working were apparently avoided from the beginning. It was only when all the ceremonies were finished and everything was ready for the command to start engines, that it was suddenly made clear that the cars weren’t even out on pit lane.

After some extended BS, another rain shower doused the track. At this point, there was no chance of any action. But there’s Fox, stringing everything along for another hour with replacement programming and updates, insisting they were close to starting the race. I’ve seen the “string along” before as well as the “start the race under caution” crap, but this was almost unconscionable. It’s obvious ratings have been really bad this year when they pull stunts like this in sheer desperation. If the coverage had started with images of the track being dried, every fan that’s had to endure a TV rain delay (and not writing a blog about it), would have tuned out immediately.

I’m going to have to stop ranting here, because I’m flat out of euphemisms and will soon have to resort to profanity. Okay, what can be done about this? One, NASCAR and their broadcast partners need to start being more honest. Two, if wet weather’s likely during the race and the track is still dry, start the race as soon as camera’s turned on and give the fans some racing. That’s it, but that’ll be enough. In the meantime, I’m not knowingly sitting through anymore rain delays like this if I have anything else to do. I recommend the same to everyone else. They’ll listen to the ratings.

I’ll go ahead and review the sham “pre-race.” Since some people have taken offense to me commenting on women’s looks in this NASCAR blog, I’ll only focus in men’s looks this time.

Jimmie Johnson looked terrible. That “beard” has been bad enough all season, now he’s got some horrible buzz cut on top of it. Unforgivably, Fox covered his haircut more than they did Jeff Gordon’s wife’s new hairdo.

Speaking of Jeff Gordon, he looked terrible. Nothing like listening to someone talk about their recent medical procedures and seeing the results. Jeff said it wasn’t painful to go through it, but he looked like he’d been run through the spin cycle with a sack of rocks. If Gordon decides to call it a career after four championships (as the broadcast crew was speculating), and stay at home and make more babies with his beautiful wife, who could blame him? He’ll be able to quit, secure in the knowledge that he has a ready successor for the role NASCAR’s most hated driver. That is, Kyle Busch.

Meanwhile, the sports’ most loved driver, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (NASCAR’s version of Danica Patrick, but thankfully without the swimsuit shots), looked terrible. He looked like somebody had shot his dog right before his “pre-race” interview. I wonder if Junior’s urine would test positive for anti-depressants? I hope so, and I’m glad the race was called, because racing is dangerous enough without a suicidal driver out on track.

Tony Stewart looked much better without that scruff on his face. Maybe he was forsaking shaving until he won, which happened last week. But he’s still fat. The only good thing about the Car of Tomorrow is that there’s more window clearance so that he can still squeeze in and wasn’t have to be forced into early retirement.

And this is why I generally don’t comment on guys’ looks in my blog.

Jeremy Mayfield’s urine was again the “glossed over” topic of discussion. Until NASCAR or Mayfield’s lawyers release all of the pertinent information, it’s difficult to say how serious this all really is.

Lastly, there was another Digger cartoon, a rerun. I’m suspecting he’s on his way out. We can only hope.

J.

Indy 500: Real Emotion

2009-05-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

Indulge me for a moment here before I get to the Indy comments.

My first task Sunday morning was to find out who won the F1 race in Monaco, since I wasn’t able to see it. I missed the results on an auto racing update on a radio show, but thankfully ABC/ESPN posted the winner on their bottom line ticker. Congratulations Jenson Button! That’s five out of the first six races. For a team that was put up for sale last year by Honda and didn’t even have an owner a month before the season started, they are on an incredible run. F1 has been turned upside down this year. With next year’s rule changes, Ferrari and others may not even be running in the series, an almost inconceivable thought.

Jense is my favorite F1 driver, and I was really pulling for him to win this race. It is the Indy 500/Daytona 500 equivalent glamour event on the schedule, thus all the racers want this trophy on their mantle. In past years, I’ve seen him stick it on the pole and battle hard for a second place there. This season must be really sweet for Button. I hope he finishes it out with a championship.

On to the race I did actually watch.

I’ll put in my pre-race predictions as I wrote them, in spite of how much I’d like to edit them to make myself look better.

I picked Graham Rahal to win. This was an impulsive choice, done in complete disregard for his lack of oval experience and success.

The other drivers I picked to watch were: Ryan Hunter Reay, Will Power, and Paul Tracy. RHR is a good driver on road courses. Even though he started in the rear, I assumed he’d move up to the front quickly. Will Power was driving for his next job, as he’s the odd man out at Penske with Helio back. I put Tracy in, because I assumed he’d cause some huge wreck from being too aggressive with the “chrome horn.”

Of course the smart choices would have been any of the Ganassi or Penske cars. I was hoping for either of Target cars to win. Seeing Emma Dixon or Ashley Judd in the post-race would have been delightful. As it was, I did get Brienne Pedigo and Jamie Little. Not bad, though they both tone down their looks severely for work. I’ll be equal opportunity here for a change. Dario Franchitti looked good with his hair grown out. My dad made the comment that he looked like he had the hair of an Italian. That’s right. He is Scottish of Italian descent.

The pre-race set the stage pretty well. The Helio Castroneves profile was memorable. The tears flowed like a Barbara Walters’ Special. What can you say? He’s Brazilian. Thank goodness the trial turned out well for him. Otherwise, the man’s name would probably been verboten for the entire race.

Of other pre-race note, my parents had some incredible consternation over whether Jim Nabors would be singing or not. Of course he was. He still has a great voice and it’s tremendous to hear the crowd singing along. That was all mom wanted to see of the race. Speaking of the crowd, there were still plenty of good seats still available, especially behind pit lane. Even the announces noticed.

Let the heartbreaks begin. I’ll just hit a few of the highlights as they came.

Marco Andretti was wrecked early. This sucks, but there was a reason I didn’t bother picking him to win. At least you could still see him, shirtless even, in those razor commercials.

Early exit for RHR, but at least you could still see him in all those the Izod commercials.

So much for Rahal. He’s not in any commercials, so see ya next week, Graham. Thanks for making me look like a boob.

Poor Tony Kanaan. TK’s such a great driver. The year he won the championship, he completed every lap of competition, an almost unimaginable feat. From the in-car view, wow was that a hit! If you watch the replay closely, you can clearly see the track itself reaching up to take out his car. This is somehow a personal grudge with Indy.

Then there’s the Heartbreaker herself, Danica Patrick. There was continuous Danica coverage throughout the race, including the commercials. She’s like the IRL’s version of Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Of course with all that Danica coverage, they had scrimp on covering a few other drivers, like about half the field. I saw that Scott Sharp was running. I don’t know what happened to him. Fan favorite Sarah Fisher? She got some airtime. Don’t know where she finished either.

Milka Duno must get some special props here. She only got called out by one wrecked driver. Milka may or may not have really had anything to do with the wreck, but if she’s in the vicinity, she’s going to get blamed. As far as I could tell, she finished last of the cars still running, one lap down. You know, she’s a very likable person (though Danica’s biggest mistake last year was trying to pick a fight with her), but she’s probably still in over her head in the league. And then there’s Milka’s sponsor, Hugo Chavez’s oil company. It’s a little hard to root for her.

Gutsy performance of the race? Whew, this is going to be tough. I gotta give it to Samantha Lloyd. First, her husband, Alex, is wearing a pink jumpsuit and driving a pink car, thus gaining the nickname, “Pink Lloyd.” Second, the surreal interview with the pregnant Ms. Lloyd, calmly announcing that her contractions were about 10 minutes apart. She planned on staying until the end of the race. “If the contractions get to about five minutes apart, I’ll go ahead and leave. Can’t have the pit crew trying to deliver a baby and change tires at the same time.” That’s dedication.

So who did she beat out for my prestigious award? Poor Vitor Meira. Figures, the guy’s never won, but has come in second like nine times. What happened to him? His car caught on fire in the pits. He even took some burn damage himself, but still managed to get back out on track and stay on the lead lap. For an encore, Vitor’s day ended with his car running sideways along the wall and backward. They had to take him out on a stretcher. He did get some respect. Before the end of the coverage, they announced he’d been taken to the hospital. They never said what happened to Sam. You kinda fell down on that storyline ESPN.

There was some false drama near the end with Weldon and Danica chasing down Helio. For the last 10 laps there was no coverage of anybody except Helio and his family. I think there were other people on track racing, but I can’t confirm that. There were no shots of the other finishers. I guess they were irrelevant. (Helio was pretty far out ahead. They would have had to have waited quite a while for the others to get there.) Paul Tracy turned out to not to be a factor, but he kept it cool and did okay. Will Power was in contention and finished well. Thanks Will, for not making me look completely ignorant about the league.

I’d comment on what a great and moving drama it was in Victory Lane, but you could see it all there with Helio burying his head in his hands and sobbing. This has to have been the most emotional win for a driver at Indy ever. The crowd gave him a good cheer on the final lap. And yes, he got a kiss from the trophy girl. As God intended for every race winner.

There were some surprises in the other post-race interviews I saw. I’d heard about a “mellower” Danica this season and there she was. I like this version better. Hopefully with this third place at Indy, she’ll be inspired to keep it up and maybe more good results will follow.

Then there was this “mature” Dan Wheldon? What’s going on here? This is the guy who was luridly asking to be interviewed by Jamie Little a couple of years ago, got his teeth fixed last year as part of his off-season training, and collects exotic shoes. Like Austin Powers in a race car. Maybe it was the marriage and new kid thing and being booted off the Ganassi team that’s changed him. Great to see the one-car team of Panther Racing do so well.

He was probably okay with second place, but probably more happy to have beaten Danica. Just a little backstory. Her rookie year, Dan had to wear a tee-shirt saying, “I was the one who actually won the Indy 500.” A couple of years later, she tried to start a fight with him in the pits over a racing incident. Wheldon, Briscoe, Duno, some of her teammates at AGR, and every other driver who’s not named Helio, who’s jealous of her fame. Yeah, she’s made some enemies, so her charm offensive is a good thing.

ESPN had a ticker of the finish, but I didn’t get to see it well to take notes on it. I did miss the last five minutes of the coverage getting home to watch the NASCAR race, which was starting in five minutes. So, if I’m short-shrifting their post-race, my apologies, but I kinda doubt I am.

Overall? The coverage was very pre-determined, storyline driven, so no points there. The pre-race did go well. There was Side-by-Side coverage, which was swell. I think the post-race would have been better, but the length of the race ended up cutting it short.

The race itself featured red and white domination. The only serious question was would it be Ganassi or Penske? Thanks to the fact that it’s a long race (especially as most other Indycar races are much shorter), there was still plenty of drama, with sudden reversals of fortune and displays of steady perseverance. Since it’s Indy and there are rookies and racers who shouldn’t be in the field, you’re going to get crashes. The restarts were interesting, but unfortunately just like NASCAR, the leader tended to fly away from the pack.

The car package needs to be open to more modification by the teams and more engine competition (Honda is actually very open to that). Unfortunately, that would add a lot more cost to the development, so who knows? I am heartened by Weldon and Panther’s performance. Hopefully, more teams will be able to get into the winning mix. Regardless, as long they’re putting on this show at Indy, I’ll be watching.

J.

NASCAR All-Star Race: Sheer Adoration

2009-05-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

I don’t have cable, so I didn’t get to see the race. So that’s my commentary on that. Instead, I offer this: an Ode to Miss Sprint Cup.

Shiny hair dark as night
Smile like a searchlight
Warm eyes glowing
Would that your jumpsuit
Left more skin showing

Errr. . . You know my haiku skills are a little better than my rhyming skills. Let’s try this instead.

Wink to me trophy girl
Damn sponsorship obligations
Show me that you care

Oh, let’s be honest here. The main reason I’m watching these races isn’t to blog them, but because I’m totally hot for Miss Sprint Cup, Monica Palumbo. My recurring fantasy involves dousing her in champagne while undoing her Sprint Cup jumpsuit. “Ah, yes Monica. You’ve won and the champagne is all for you this time. Oops, your zipper has come undone.” Watching her take collateral celebration fallout, while trying to stay in the TV picture and flash her beautiful smile is about close as I’m going to get to that in real life. A zillion segments on Junior, and Fox can’t do one fluff interview with Monica. I may never really know anything about her. She did wink to me once in Victory Lane. I cherish that memory.

I hate to pick favorites. Anne-Marie Rhodes, the other Sprint Girl, is nice, but she appears to be married or engaged. Further, Tony Stewart made out with her after one of his Indy victories. (I’ve seen the pictures! She seemed surprised by the affection.)

The trophy girl is an outdated concept. There is no real place for it in today’s politically correct and morally ambiguous world. The drivers don’t even get a kiss anymore. I’m not even sure they’re allowed to talk to the drivers after what happened between Jeff Gordon and Brooke. Sprint would probably be better served promotion-wise by some goofy, child-friendly mascot character. (A gopher perhaps?)

But do you remember Nextel’s ill-fated tenure as title sponsor? There was no trophy girl. Sure, you only consciously missed it once or twice, but in the back of your mind, Victory Lane just seemed to be missing something. It’s inescapable. It’s history and tradition, for better or worse. Even if it’s Danica Patrick winning the Daytona 500 someday (however unlikely), there still has to be a trophy girl there with her. And if Danica and Monica want to kiss on stage, I . . . errr. . .

Monica, if you’re doing a vanity search and somehow stumble on this post (I’ve had that happen before), please know that I have nothing but the highest respect for you and job. Umm. . . How about an autographed picture? “To my favorite blogger, jdh417, xoxo (smooches) Monica.”

J.

Darlington Cup Race: Fizzle

2009-05-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Another Fox broadcasting baseball/NASCAR double-header. It’s a great way to kill an entire day in front of the TV. Unfortunately, the baseball game was a terrible disappointment in excitement, 8 to 0, Dodgers over Giants. All eyes had been on SoCal because of Manny Ramirez’s 50 game drug suspension. What little pre-game there was and the in game chatter about the suspension primarily focused on his return. I admit he was quite a highlight reel the last time the Dodgers were featured in the game of the week.

(I like color commentator Eric Karros, but his players’ union rep side is intolerable at times. “I say Manny should play in the All-Star game if he’s voted in by the fans.” “Well Eric, our Fox poll shows that the fans have voted 80% to 20% that Manny shouldn’t play in the All-Star game this year.” “Like I said, if the fans want Manny to play, then he should play.” This explanation went on for five agonizing minutes due to the blow out in progress. And, no, he shouldn’t play.)

What on earth does this have to do with NASCAR?

The abbreviated NASCAR Darlington pre-race briefly mentioned Jeremy Mayfield and a couple of crew members had been suspended for failing their drug tests and had been indefinitely suspended. I’d compare and contrast the drug situation with Man-Ram, but that tidbit was the whole story and discussion on the broadcast. No mention of what drugs were involved or discussion of NASCAR’s testing and suspension protocols. Unlike Shane Hmiel (not sure I’m spelling that right), I knew who Jeremy Mayfield was before the suspension. This issue merited some more coverage, but like I said, it was a short pre-race.

So what was on the pre-race instead? A quick Digger promo. A couple of tantalizing glimpses of Ingrid. Jeff Gordon and his mom made a pitch for his mom’s new cookbook, but carefully skirted the issue of Ingrid’s new ‘doo. (I’m still waiting for some in-depth coverage.) Then came one of the most pathetic moments in Fox’s NASCAR coverage history: DW practically begging Junior to win a race in an interview. Oh wait. That’s pretty much every interview this year. How sad.

Fox hasn’t yet figured out how to get Junior in Victory Lane, but has figured how to monetize their Junior coverage. At least for this race, the Mountain Dew cam showed Junior’s progress throughout the race, like him blowing yet another pit stop. I could pile on with the commentary, but I’ll stop here.

So the bout was set: the Tank of Tomorrow versus the Darlington wall. It was physical with plenty of hits and punches, and a few knockouts. Michael Waltrip Racing took it on the chin with three KO’s. Fox probably didn’t appreciate their pedal cam (and sponsorship) going up in flames.

It was a long race, but had lots of passing and wrecks. The sight of cars coming off Turn Four was breathtaking all night long. This Southern 500 was a race featuring a steady attrition of drivers being taken out of contention and the persevering endurance of the competitors putting themselves in a position to win.

There are good points and bad points to the typical lengthy NASCAR races compared to the IRL, ALMS, and F1 races that take under three hours. The good side is the drama. Over the course of a long race there may often be many reverses of fortune and sudden changes in strategy for any driver. Jimmie Johnson’s night was as good an example of that as anyone: starting in the back, using strategy to get up front, then going down a lap, and finally finishing second. The downside is that it’s an endurance contest for the viewers as well. Likewise, consider the argument for the DH in baseball: making the pitcher hit adds strategy to the game, but nobody goes to a game to watch the manager think. (And that is completely wrong, but this still isn’t a baseball column.) People generally watch races to see cars go fast, not crew chiefs making tough decisions. It’s hard to say definitely what sort of racing (long or short) is intrinsically the best. It really depends on the individual races themselves.

This was a generally lively race, up until after the final pit stop. Congratulations to a fine driving effort from Mark Martin. But let’s face it, any other driver up front in this one at the end probably would have won too. There was some false drama about fuel mileage, but the race was effectively over well before the end.

I’ll sum this problem up in three words: Car of Tomorrow. It’s becoming clear that, at many tracks, track position is now everything near the end. There is no other strategy. The leading car took off like it was shot out of a canon time and time again after restarts. Pit stops and wrecks were the only things slowing the leader down. I guess this feeds back into the strategy and fate issue. A short race with one or two pit stops with the COT would probably be far too predictable to be interesting.

The COT is not going to be changed anytime soon. (It would likely require some healthy car manufacturers in the series and some terrible deadly wreck. At which point they really might turn the car into a tank.) This competition issue might be fixable with the tires. They’d have to be tough enough to survive the heavy wear that the COT puts on them. (Remember all those exploding tires last year?) But their grip needs to degrade quicker, allowing car setup and driver skill a chance to trump track position. It’s a pity Goodyear has seemingly disappeared from NASCAR. With all the other product placements during a broadcast, the absence of any mention of the series only tire manufacturer is disturbing to say the least.

In two weeks, we go from endurance contest to outright marathon with the Indy 500 and Coke-snorting 600. No wait, Jeremy Mayfield won’t be there. It’ll just be the Coca-Cola 600. (Apologies if he wasn’t doing coke, the broadcast didn’t say!)

J.

Richmond Cup Race: One Too Many Mint Juleps

2009-05-04T18:20:00.001-07:00

No, I wasn’t watching the Kentucky Derby before the race. Anticipating a caution/commercial filled race, I attempted to make the event more interesting with some liquid enhancement. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize the race would be delayed. First up was the best pre-race show of the season where we watched the Mets walk in the winning run against the Phillies in the bottom of the 10th. Ah, that was just too bad for Mets. Then there was the caution/start, which made me wish that the baseball game had gone another inning. Well by this time, the mint juleps had overcome me. I could no longer pay attention or blog responsibly.

What I vaguely remember through the alcohol-induced haze and subsequent coma was a decent race. But let’s face it, last week was a tough act to follow, so I don’t really feel like missed anything. We’ll try this again next week.

J.

Talledega NASCAR Races: Airborne!

2009-04-27T22:39:00.001-07:00

Well, what’d know? The COT can fly. I mean other than Michael McDowell’s memorable Texas’ qualifying wreck, the car generally sticks to the track. I’m sure Carl Edwards was as surprised as anybody to be reenacting Bobby Allison’s famous attempt to bring racing action closer to the fans. Thankfully, the track safety equipment worked the same now as then.

It’s very strange that a car that’s so aerodynamically unstable and hard to drive during a race, suddenly becomes manageable in situations that typically flip racecars right over. Ask Michael Waltrip, Kurt Busch, Kyle Busch, and Martin Truex about that. Then ask Matt Kenseth, who ended up getting turned over easy in the old-style Nationwide car the day before.

Once again, I was reminded not to starting mentally writing these things before I’ve actually seen the race. I was planning on comparing and contrasting ESPN’s Nationwide coverage with Fox’s Cup coverage this weekend. This is moot. The races and broadcast styles were different, but ultimately the quality of the races itself was what determined the fans’ enjoyment. In these two cases, both races were good.

I would have to give the edge to ESPN’s pre-race. It was professional and energetic. Actually, Brad Daugherty can handle “energetic” by himself. I like Brad, and say what you will, he didn’t get the job through Affirmative Action, but from experience and sheer enthusiasm. The good attitude starts with Alan Bestwick, who sets the tone well. Andy Petree and Tim Brewer both did a good job of setting up the technical side of the race. The rest of the crew acquitted themselves well. (I’m being nice to Dr. Punch.)

On the Fox side, there was a Digger cartoon rerun, a pointless radio chatter feature, and a Talledega memories segment that didn’t seem to pay off. But, they did a good job of talking to several drivers. The Carl Edwards’ interview while he was showing off his flying skills race turned out to be unintentional foreshadowing. Anyway, as I’ve said before, NASCAR is personality-driven and all drivers have their fans. Giving Kyle Busch some promotion makes his fans happy and gives his legion of detractors more to hate. Everybody wins.

I can’t believe that Fox is even promoting Digger in their baseball broadcasts now. (Sidebar: Since I’m not covering baseball at the moment, I have to put this here. The best moment of that 4 ½ hour Yankees vs. Red Sox game had to come from a Sox’s fan. After Jeter had fouled one off, a heckler, either very loud or too close to the crowd mic, shouted, “That would have been a home run in your ballpark!” Good smack.) Frankly, Fox’s broadcast seemed like a steady stream of constant commercials and product placements, more so than ESPN’s.

For that matter, I have to ask, what is up with Goodyear? Not their tires, but fact nobody mentioned them during either broadcast (except for an Indy tire test story). Is there some sort of feud? Are they not paying enough to get mentioned, like Sunoco and their freaking race fuel? Toyo Tires was sponsoring the pit stops on ESPN! Goodyear must be gnashing their teeth like Sprint does during all those other those other cell phone company sponsorships that happen during the race. Apparently, Goodyear is going to have to start messing up their tire compounds again if they want to get any airtime.

The Nationwide race featured big three-wide packs and lots of mixing it up for the lead. Kenseth took flight, as no race at this venue is really complete until somebody gets flipped. The action was thick enough near the end that the broadcast team could hardly keep up with it. In good Talledega fashion, the winner was a mystery until somebody crossed the finish line. On another note, did I hear Michael Waltrip actually flirting with Jamie Little? I hope his wife wasn’t watching. He looked a little discombobulated after his wreck. Then again I remember Dan Wheldon in the IRL doing the same thing. Who can blame them?

The Cup race was a tale of big crashes. I picked the first one to be early, solely because there hadn’t been one the day before. I saw the second one coming right before it happened. The broadcasters seemed unsurprised when it happened as well. That typical Talledega mad dash for the checkers had a crescendo that no one saw coming. That wreck will be replayed for years to come. Fox reported fan injuries from the wreck, but gave no details. Thankfully, the injuries were later reported to be minor. Thankfully, this wasn’t another Dale Sr. moment for the network.

The COT gave a good report of its self in the race. Sort of. Plenty of pluses for safety. While the old-style car flipped at the first opportunity, the COT passed up on all but one, and Carl Edwards not only walked away, but jogged. After that first Big One, it’s amazing how many cars involved were competitive afterward. Chalk that up to toughness. On the other hand, the car is an aero brick in undamaged form, so even at a super speedway, it’s not that surprising that they’re still racy after being damaged. While the Nationwide cars could run most of the race three-wide without incident, the COT could not maintain that formation for long without either wrecking (the first Big One), or reverting to double or single file racing. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. Take your pick.

One race later, I’m already lifting my ban on Junior coverage. He ran up front and finished well, so I don’t feel too bad about this. He got plenty of attention. In both pre-race interviews, Junior was way too uptight. Even Matt Kenseth was more lively when he was interviewed. As the in-race reporter in the Nationwide race, Junior did an excellent job of explaining the differences in drafting between the Nationwide car and the COT. Not surprisingly, he liked the Nationwide-style car better. Junior finally lightened up after blowing yet another pit stop by missing his stall on Saturday. After the Cup race, he looked much more relaxed as well. Did he, “Get his mojo back,” as Dr. Jerry Punch said repeatedly? Stay tuned. As the Junior turns.

There’s a lot of racing kudos to spread out here. Congratulations to a pair of first time winners in David Ragan and Brad Keselowski. Both were involved in wrecks that took another driver out, but neither intentionally. Both handled the post race well. How great was it in Cup to see somebody not on a big team win?

Congrats also to Aussie Marcos Ambrose, Scott Speed, and Jeff Burton for their top ten finishes. Burton certainly made some new fans. Not so much coming back from three laps down, but for spinning out Kyle Busch from the lead. Speed did very well considering he started the race from pit lane.

Special praise must go to Carl Edwards. He executed a race-long strategy on the last lap that came oh-so-close to paying off. He’s easily in the lead for the stunt crash of the year award, and Edwards is also in the lead for the showmanship award for crossing the finish line on foot after that crash. He’s made the Talledega historical reel forever.

While NASCAR may be basking in the glow right now, this race has exposed a couple of issues.

For the lesser matter, we return to Scott Speed. His car was tricked out for qualifying and had to be reset for the race. If the initial adjustment hadn’t been done, likely a “start and park” team would have gotten in and would have dropped out after a couple of laps. As unfair as the top 35 rule may be, a fully funded team, who intends to run the full race, that is knocked out by a team that is essentially funded by NASCAR to fill the field is worse. This issue is complicated and I don’t have a solution, but I’m sure others do, and they should be considered.

The more serious matter is safety at Talledega. No, it’s not the fences or the cars. The unanimous opinion of drivers, commentators, and myself is that it’s the double yellow line penalty. Regardless of how many times it’s explained, it sure looked like Tony Stewart got away with one last year but pushing Regan Smith below the lines. Keselowski and Edwards were certainly watching last Fall’s race and the result was predictable in the same situation. It’s also predictable that there’s going to be plenty more close finishes at this track. NASCAR needs to make a rules adjustment. Giving the drivers the whole track to work with in the tri-oval area on the final lap seems like the easiest solution.

Do a couple of great Talledega races make up for a so-so season to this point? We’ll see.

J.

How I spent my Spring Break

2009-04-27T22:38:00.001-07:00

I’ve made a decision. I’m quitting work. I’m off to Hawaii to become a private investigator. I’ll live in bungalow on a palatial estate and drive a Ferrari. I’ll have string of disastrous relationships with an unending series of beautiful women. (I won’t need any practice on that last part.) Most of all, I want a Detroit Tigers hat.

I know what you’re thinking. Yeah, I was watching Magnum p.i. on the Retro Network, among my many other official vacation duties. (You can guess how important the rest were given that clue.) The show holds up remarkably well for being for 20 years old. Perhaps because of the great scenery and because it was so personality driven. Magnum versus Higgins banter never gets old.

Okay, I can live without the rest of it, but I want that hat. I used to have one during the 80’s. The Tigers were my favorite team and Magnum was one of my favorite shows. Time and usage caused me to love said hat to death. In 2006, I almost got a new hat for Christmas from my parents, if the Tigers would have won the World Series. (Likewise, I’ve been promised Rockies and Rays’ hats if they had won. I’ve been thoroughly blued the last three years.) Somehow it doesn’t seem right to just go out and buy the hat. It’s like it has to be earned on some level. Unfortunately, the Tigers are unlikely to do well this year. Indeed, the entire city of Detroit may be taking after the Lions and their historic ineptitude last year.

One of the Magnum episodes I saw involved him turning 40, and how he was worried about a dramatic change in personality and lifestyle to follow. I can sympathize. I doubt I’m going to look like Tom Selleck three months from now, even if I grow a mustache.

(Sigh.)

I want that damn hat.

J.

The Gift: Why Paizo should give Pathfinder away

2009-04-27T22:37:00.001-07:00

I posted this idea at Grognardia, but not well. I was tired and it was late and I wasn’t thinking entirely straight. (Sounds like everything else I’ve ever written.) However, I think it’s still worth some additional explanation.

The thesis is as follows: Paizo should publish a simplified 3e rules set and then give it away.

First, this is idea is repugnant to the capitalist within me. Not only am I asking a company to give away their product, I’m putting all the work on them. If I was more familiar with 3e and had more experience with it, I might try my hand at it. But the point of this exercise is not to produce another retro clone; it is instead to produce a finely polished product from a respected RPG publisher. The clones are awesome, but they are backward looking nostalgia. They are professional, but not stylish. On a technical note, D20 at its base is probably an easier, friendlier system than the matrix tables of older versions of D&D anyway. What would separate Paizo from the free systems is legitimacy, rather than a technical legality in the OGL.

Why on earth would for-profit company have any desire to compete in the same arena with competitors who give away their product? Computer nerds reading this are now waiting for me to make a Linux analogy. Not quite. I would put it closer to WOTC’s D20. The purpose of opening up the D&D license was to drive sales of the core books. This would be somewhat the reverse. The purpose of a free Pathfinder Basic (I’m not an advertising exec, somebody else come up with a catchy name) would be to create an easy to use system (that isn’t controlled by somebody else), that allows Paizo to concentrate on their core business of producing system extensions, adventures, and settings and to drive those sales. Given enough popularity, perhaps licensing opportunities follow.

Isn’t this the purpose of their current version of Pathfinder? Yes, but the system only appeals to 3e grognards. That’s not a large or expanding audience. The real loyalty of the Pathfinder players is likely not the rules, but the continued ability to play Paizo’s adventures without heavy modification to another system.

Who would be the audience of this Pathfinder Basic? For starters, fans of Paizo’s adventures, if my above theory is correct. If the rules allow and encourage plenty of creativity in interpretation, all but the most belligerent of Old School grognards should approve of it. As I’ve said in another posting, this group needs a published product to rally around. Make the rules simple enough and I think new novice players can be brought into the fold and expand the hobby. Lastly, new 4e players. Stop laughing. In spite of all the rulebooks, RPG’s are not about hard rules, which is what 4e is all about. This group of players may be ready to take off the training wheels, and if they do, I doubt they’ll go back.

Does it have to be free? Over the Internet as a download, yes. In print, it needs to be fairly low-cost, perhaps at cost. The theory here isn’t just to give away the razor and sell the blades, it is to expand the potential audience. A set of expensive hardbacks can be a significant a barrier to potential new players. Beyond the development costs, I do see the other analytical side of the argument; if it’s free, it has no perceived value. The only thing I can think of to combat that is to have plenty of ads and references to Paizo products in the rules. Make the rules look like an advertisement for the rest of the catalogue, which it actually would be.

That brings me to my next point, defining a few parameters of this mythical product. It can’t be a crippled set of rules. You know, like 4e and the way they’re determined to dribble out core races, classes, and monsters. It does have to have the full range of 3e classes and races. It needs to support these characters up to 14th level, the same as the Adventure Path series. (Sell the enhancement for higher level play.) It should contain a full range of classic SRD monsters and magic items. There should be a sample adventure along with a transcript of sample play with a group of newbies.

I would suggest a few other technical specifications. Make the game playable without miniatures. Encourage their use, but don’t mandate it. Strive to create a system that has no more than one modifier per roll. For events outside of standard actions, don’t try to create rules for every situation, just offer some guidelines and suggestions. Explicitly encourage groups to make up their own rules. Seriously consider some sort of simpler alternate to the experience points system. Most importantly, provide a rough conversion guide to the full Pathfinder/3e, as well as some of the retro clones. This will make the product look bigger than it is by providing access to a wealth of published and Internet material. Why not look smart, benevolent, and tolerant of other systems?

The problem with all of this is that Paizo is comprised of 3e grognards. Not to say that they’re snobs about their game system of choice, but 3e is their area of expertise. I’m not sure these are the best people to ask for a simplified rules set. Asking them to hack down 3e may be like asking someone to hack off body parts. They already think they’ve simplified the game with Pathfinder. Selling Pathfinder Basic to Paizo may be the hardest sell of all.

I’m not a business major. This isn’t a credible business plan. Then again, I’m not sure Paizo’s current plan is going to work in the long term either. Pathfinder Basic is worth consideration.

Addendum: I hope Paizo continues to offer the Beta version of Pathfinder as a free download, along with an addendum sheet of changes from the final version. I think WOTC offered a free download of changes from 3.0 to 3.5. This will allow players to try the system without a large monetary investment. Just getting people to try Pathfinder, may be Paizo’s biggest hurdle. If players like it, they’ll want the book.

J.

ALMS Long Beach “Looks like he’s driving a rental car.”

2009-04-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

A great comment from someone watching a guy fishtail and burnout. I hang my head in shame that I have again forgotten to get the names of the ESPN commentators for this race so that I can properly attribute the quote. Anyway this maneuver happened during the race after a spinout. I would have awarded points for style, but this is American Le Mans, not a Formula D drifting contest.

Long Beach is probably about the worst case scenario for processional, lock step street course racing outside of F1’s Monaco race. I have to give ESPN credit for making the venue actually look a bit like Monaco as well. I’ve watched a couple of Long Beach races before and place always looked cheap and trashy. Maybe that was because they were Champ Car events. The overhead and aerial views were beautiful. While the yachts weren’t quite as spectacular as the European race, the Queen Mary is a more than impressive replacement.

For such a beautiful day and a race full of cool cars, the crowd was just so-so, like yesterday’s baseball game. What are all these SoCaler’s doing on the weekend? Perhaps if the state legalizes weed, they’ll be more willing to show up during the day. If watching paint peel while you’re high is fun, just imagine the additional excitement of being at a race. I appreciate blowheads. They make me feel better about my own sad life. They’re a group of people I can look down on.

Good news and bad news to start the race. The GT1 Corvettes were back, but only for a final engagement. No comment on whether it was lack of GM funding and/or lack of competition from somebody like Aston Martin. They will be back in the GT2 class later in the season and be joined by the new Jaguar team. So, GT1 goes away I guess, but the competition heats up in GT2.

The commentary from the race was well done again with plenty of detail information on the cars and the tires (worth noting, since there several different brands in use). There seemed to be a careful nod to explain things to new viewers. Being new fan-friendly for a lessor known series like this is a must. Kelli Stavast (the only member of the broadcast team whose name I can ever remember) was still a little shaky in presentation at times, but her knowledge and reporting were well done.

There was more “green” crap. I don’t know what they were measuring with their “green” challenge amongst the teams, and I don’t care. Right now, this is all hype and no substance. I can say this safely, because nobody ever makes a compelling business case for “green,” only an environmental one. These competing technologies are not trying to compete in the marketplace. They are hoping to be anointed the winner by government regulatory mandate. And wherever government is involved higher cost and inefficiency follow.

It was great to see fan icon, Boris Said, enter the race. It sucked that as soon as they pointed it out, he was involved in a crash. A short time later, Said was on camera again, as the cabin of his Corvette went up in flames. That was scary to watch. I’m sure it scarier being a participant. Boris was okay and, just as importantly, his ‘fro was okay afterward as well. I love those vettes, but between watching this firestorm and Dale Earnhardt Jr’s from a couple of years ago, I think I’d shy away from wanting to drive a car prone to spontaneous combustion.

This race may not have been ALMS’ finest hour. A potentially bad call by the officials in the pits cost the Patron team the race. Said’s late race crash caused the race to finish under yellow. Because the race was timed, a potentially exciting restart got scrubbed. I think got my time’s worth from the sights and sounds of the race anyway.

Best commercial: Acura’s classically themed promotion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t identify the music.

J.

Phoenix Cup Race: A Labor of Love

2009-04-27T22:34:00.001-07:00

Like I said in my baseball blog for today, nine hours of continuous sports viewing is apparently over my threshold. I’m ceasing weekly baseball blogging while I still love the sport. I’d stop NASCAR blogging as well, but I committed to doing it this season, as long as I’m able to watch the races (which may end up only being Fox’s part of the season). I hope I’m still able to watch races after this year after writing this blog. Sitting around criticizing a sport is not a good way to become more enamored of it.

This is going to be short, much like the race itself. Fox has canceled their baseball studio pre-game, but kept their NASCAR pre-race coverage.

Unfortunately.

If you love the pre-race, you can probably thank Digger. Were it not for the opportunity to promote and sell the vermin’s merchandise, Fox might have put this one down, too. This evening’s production was decidedly subpar. Digger’s cartoon was a rerun. There was some sort of infomercial segment about Subway. (It worked. It made me want a sub.) And we got a segment on “going green” for Earth Day. First of all, this is NASCAR; sports least “green” sport. Second, why this featured Kevin Harvick and his oil company sponsor, Shell, is completely beyond my comprehension, if for no other reason than surely it ticked off Sunoco and their frickin’ “race fuel” sponsorship.

Earth Day is never going to cut it as a holiday. There’s no gift giving and no over indulgence associated with it, just sacrifice and guilt. It’s like Lent for atheists and green freaks.

Thankfully there were a few driver segments in the pre-race, but by and large the best thing that can be said about it is that it ended. I suffer for this blog.

Fox did learn a lesson from last year and made sure to start the baseball early. It’s hard to get over last year’s debacle, cutting away from the ball game in the bottom of the ninth of a close game to show the start of the race.

There was no Number 8 car in the race. How unthinkable that would been a few short years ago. This is awful. First, Junior isn’t driving the car and now it’s not there at all. I’ve got three #8 diecasts! Now they’re nothing but nostalgia.

On the subject of Junior, I’m implementing a new policy. I’ve determined I’m part of the problem in Junior coverage. Until he either wins, or rolls the car and it explodes, no further Junior coverage or even coverage about Junior coverage.

Well, now no NASCAR fan is going to read this blog anymore. That’s okay. I don’t have much else to say in this entry. I’d like to give some insightful commentary about the race itself, but I was not paying attention for about three-quarters of the event. A few strategy calls mixed things up, but Mark Martin pretty much dominated at the start and at the end.

My favorite part of the race was the scene in Victory Lane. That was a truly special moment, and I was grateful to have witnessed it. Yes, Miss Sprint Cup, Monica Palumbo, got some monster, close up airtime. Her bright, beaming smile (and other assets) briefly lifted my flagging spirits. Thank you, Fox Sports for sharing that with all of us.

Oh, and it was nice that the other drivers came over and congratulated Mark Martin, even though they got in the way of Miss Sprint Cup coverage.

J.

Baseball: Rockies vs. Dodgers

2009-04-27T22:33:00.001-07:00

Boy is this tough. After my nine-hour baseball/NASCAR double header, I now know the limits of my endurance for TV viewing. The last thing I want to do at the moment is write about my odyssey of armchair paralysis. I no longer care what happened or what my thoughts are on the subject of either sport.

And with that out of the way, let’s get down to it.

For TWIB this weekend, I don’t know if the presentation made the show great, or if the subject matter was great and all they simply needed to do was show it. This was a special episode. First, brief tours of New Yankee Stadium and Citi Field. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like the Mets’ new crib. Anything that reminds me of Ebbets Field and the Brooklyn Dodgers might be enough to make me forget that I hate the Mets. The Jackie Robinson Rotunda was appropriately impressive, as benefiting the man.

Baseball is about history. The montage of past Opening Days could not fail to bring a smile to any fan’s face. Memorializing the passing of Harry Kalas and Mark Fidrych were likewise a celebration of their contributions to the game. I’m sure in fine Philly fan tradition, Harry got a standing “Booo!” from the home crowd at his service at the ballpark. (Just kidding. Philly fans are a running gag with me.)

TWIB is going to have a hard time topping this show for the rest of the season.

On to the Fox baseball pre-game proper with Chris Rose. This guy has a hard job in speed reading the week’s news and trying to make it relatable. Rose seems to do better off script, as shown with his interview with “Headquarters,” Orlando Hudson. The kid’s childhood nickname came from his head looking too big until the rest of his body caught up. I don’t want a bunch of numbers in my baseball broadcast. I want stuff like this.

A somewhat more excitable than usual Dick Stockton and Eric Karros were calling the game. Thank God. These two work pretty well together, though my favorite memory of these two came when they were separated during a potential playoff spot clenching game a couple of years ago. Dick went down to clubhouse and Eric had to call everything for an inning. The Padres’ Trevor Hoffman failed to close out the game and Dick had to go back up to the booth. Eric made the observation that play-by-play was harder than it looked. It was hard on the audience, too. Dick wanted the Brewers to go ahead and win the game because he didn’t want to have to run back down the clubhouse to cover the celebration. Trust me. This is what baseball is all about. Funny stories.

I kind of wanted to see the Yankee game to see more of the new stadium. Judging by the crappy crowd in LA to see the Dodgers and Rockies, I wasn’t the only one. At first, I thought it was the typical SoCal crowd arriving late and leaving early, but even the Fan Cam segment had to be shortened. As it turned out, I think capacity New York crowd would have switched places too. No matter how great the new stadium is, 22 to 4 game against your team would have been painful to watch. Nick Swisher did not pitch. Girardi wants to save his arm for next blowout.

“Looking for a few good women,” said the giant ballpark sign. I think it said it was sponsored by the LA County Sheriff’s department, looking for recruits. (Jerry starts writing something that will only get him in trouble and then quickly deletes it.) I’m not quite so picky. I’m looking for a few good-looking women, regardless of their morals. Thankfully there a few behind home plate, but Fox’s score board kept intermittently blocking one of the better looking ones. She still managed to wave to me while she was talking on her cell phone. Yeah. Hey, babe. Call me. Is it just me or does it just not seem like Dodger Stadium without the guy in the Panama hat behind home plate with the radar gun? What ever happened to him?

I want to like the Dodgers, but they’ve replaced the Giants as the team I’m rooting against solely because of one player on their team. In the Giants case, it was Barry Bonds. Watching him lose the World Series to the Rally Monkey is one of my most cherished baseball memories. With the Dodgers, it’s Manny being Manny. I don’t have his full box score, but what I saw was: HR-Dropped fly ball-HR-bad attempt at diving catch, two runs scored-Walked and scored. Again, thank God, Tim McCarver and Joe Buck weren’t covering this game. They would not have shut up about those fielding errors for the entire game.

So what do we take away from today’s game? KFC is now offering a grilled chicken meal according to their commercial. I must investigate this further.

I’m going to put a hold on further baseball game blogs for at least the time being. I’m obviously not qualified to write about this sport. Even for all my years of watching, I still don’t know what a slugging percentage measures. If I feel compelled, I’ll put something up, but I don’t want watching baseball to become a labor for me. Speaking of laborious, Event Two of the double header is on deck.

J.

Vacation

2009-04-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation next week. While I plan on writing, I won't have Internet access to post anything.

I'd like to put up a link to my previous blog on MySpace, but I don't have access to it at the moment. I'm Jerry in Las Cruces, New Mexico, if that helps you track me down there. Warning: there are some very opinionated political pieces there.

I also post under jdh417 at an Archie Comics fansite. I've posted reviews and even a short fanfic in the forum in their respective board categories. Why am doing reviews of Archie Comics? That might require a blog entry in itself.

http://www.archiefans.com/

NASCAR Off week: Flashback 2005—Newsflash: Fontana, California

2009-04-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

NASCAR's most popular driver, Dale Earnhardt Jr., was virtually eliminated from the "Chase," the racing series' playoff, as of Sunday night's race. However, in a bid to satisfy his legions of fans, NASCAR has ordered that all ten drivers who do make the Chase to change their names to Earnhardt Jr., adopt Budweiser as their primary sponsor, and to change their car number to #8. When NASCAR president, Mike Helton, was asked if this move might create confusion among the fans watching the race, he replied, "After a few Bud's, most NASCAR fans are seeing double or triple anyway.

Current championship leader, Tony Earnhardt, Jr. (formerly known as Tony Stewart) was his usual outspoken self, "I don't like it and it kind of sucks for my regular sponsor, but my merchandise sales have really taken off. As long as they get my name more-or-less right on the trophy at the end of the season, I really can't complain though."

******

And here I am recycling material. I am a “green” blogger. Yes, I really did write that four years ago. I like Junior, but Junior fans are such an easy target.

After I posted this (on my then current blog), my friend Sandi, made this rather earnest reply:

“Now, this doesn't seem right to me. If he didn't make it, then it's his problem. It kind of takes away some of the glory from the people who did make it, in my opinion. Bottom line. I think it's kind of a pussy move. I now officially don't like Dale Earnhart Jr.”
Posted by Sandi on Monday, September 26, 2005 at 2:19 PM

Obviously, Sandi doesn’t follow a lot of NASCAR.

Okay, my problem isn’t with Junior, nor with his fans. My problem is with the continuous Junior coverage, regardless of his position on track.

So what? He’s NASCAR’s most popular driver; he should get more coverage. I’m okay with giving Junior an extra update or two during a race, even if he’s out of the top ten all day. But, the consistent amount of coverage he’s getting is at the expense other drivers, who are doing just as well, if not better in the race.

So what? Those drivers aren’t as popular. Okay, how do you explain to a new fan why the network continues to inexplicably update a mediocre driver throughout the race? And, surprisingly, all drivers have their fans. Why should those fans keep watching if their driver’s status is never getting updated, but Junior’s is?

This argument could probably be made about any of NASCAR’s more successful drivers, that the networks spend most of their coverage on them. But, the qualifier there is “successful.” The networks should give the majority of their attention to the drivers doing the best in the standings and, whoever’s performing best in individual races, regardless of their popularity.

More than just highlighting winning drivers, it’s in the broadcast networks’ best interests to give coverage to all the drivers they can. Like I said, all drivers have their fans and their sponsors (or are looking for them). Not to mention, who knows when somebody’s going to get on a hot streak or pull off a surprise win. This way, the network isn’t completely caught off guard by unlikely circumstances.

I wrote at the end of last season that NASCAR’s biggest problem was Junior not winning. (I would recycle that blog as well, except I just discovered that had posted it, but never saved it elsewhere, and I can’t get back onto my old blog at the moment. Oops.) People would still be complaining about this and that, but they’d be generally happy, and the sport would probably still be growing.

NASCAR is a very personality-driven sport. The sport tied itself to Junior and as his fortunes have risen and fallen, so has the sport. If he starts doing better, great, but you can’t count on Junior stepping it up. The sport and the networks, need to start seriously grooming and promoting more star drivers. They’ve already got a villain in Kyle Busch. It’s time to start auditioning heroes to see if anybody clicks. This all boils down to, if Junior wants screen time, he needs to get up front and win. Otherwise, the spotlight needs to move along. Risking the alienation of Junior Nation seems a small price to pay for the long-term survival of NASCAR. If they’re just Junior fans and not NASCAR fans, you were going to lose them at some point anyway, even if he wins championships.

Don’t believe me? I used to watch the NBA all the time. The Bulls were my favorite team. As it turned out however, I was just a fair-weather Michael Jordan fan. I was willing to watch after he retired, but whatever stars they promoted afterward seemed one-dimensional (Shaq), or didn’t win (David Robinson). Then the thugs and the jerks became the face of the sport, and I drifted away. Keep in mind, every time the Bulls won a championship, I jumped up and down and was completely insufferable. I got to celebrate six championships with my favorite player and team, and the NBA still lost me as a fan. I don’t even know what’s motivating all these Junior fans right now.

Besides, given the pit of despair most Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans are in during a race, it’s really kind of cruel to keep teasing them with repeated views of their favorite driver nowhere near being in contention for the win.

J.

Baseball: Astros vs. Cardinals

2009-04-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure about doing a baseball bog all season. Even though I’ve watched baseball all my life, I’m not any sort of expert. For this opening weekend, I’ll give it a shot. To start this off on the wrong foot, I’ll mention that I tuned into the coverage a half-hour early because I didn’t have the right time written down. It was a happy accident, as I watched an animal care show hosted by a woman that looked just like Charisma Carpenter. Still not sure if it was an actual show or an infomercial for their sponsor. (I wonder if this phenomena will become more common in the future.)

Speaking of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” (Charisma was on both shows), I am unfortunately reminded of Fox baseball coverage in years past. They always started the game too late in the afternoon to finish before Buffy came on in the evening (a couple of times, even running over into “Angel” which came on afterward). I missed half the series finale of Buffy that way.

I have a few more complaints. Fox has stridently insisted on showing only the same six teams in regional action all season long. This culminated for me one afternoon as I watched the same two teams, starting the same pitchers, that I had seen two weeks before. Only in the change in venue prevented complete déjà vu. They also used to start coverage about midway through the season. By the end of the season when most of the division races were finished, Fox would stop showing games altogether until the post season. That was still better than CBS’ ill-fated baseball coverage. By the end of their contract, they had stopped showing weekly games altogether, replacing them with college track and field meets and such.

The last year I got the changes I wanted. They started the games earlier, covered the full season, and showed plenty of out-of-region games. That last point backfired on me. I didn’t count on them spending every Saturday showing a Yankee/Red Sox game if they were playing each other, which seemed like about every other weekend.

Well, Fox is back to the later start time. So much for watching full episodes of “Legend of the Seeker” in the evening. We’ll see if they completely revert to type as the season goes on.

Let’s get down to the actual coverage. I’m going to throw “This Week in Baseball,” in as part of the pre-game (mostly because there wasn’t really a pre-game). TWIB was a lot more low-key than in previous years. Even the show’s sponsor, Pepsi, produced a fairly sedate commercial. That’s good, given that it will be played ad infinitum over the season. There seemed like some attempt to make the show look classier. I’m not sure Buzz Brainer (if I’m spelling that right), the voice of the Disney Channel, is the right guy for the announcing job, if that’s the case. Whatever, as long as the “How About That,” segment with the great plays of the week is still in.

Like I said, there was no in-studio pre-game show. This was an expected budget cut. Instead, one of the game announcers (didn’t recognize him offhand, sorry) and Ken Rosenthal spent five minutes recapping the week in baseball, before passing out from not taking a breath for that period of time. This segment will probably need some work, especially as the season wears on and controversies and scandals appear.

I was glad to get the regional game I wanted, Astros and Cardinals. I was less thrilled to get Joe Buck and Tim McCarver calling the game. Oh, my head. Where to start?

In spite of his fine baseball broadcasting lineage, Joe is bored by the game. I can tell because of his incessant desire to “punch up” the game with false drama or, worse, trying to add to the drama. Nothing like watching the same “controversial” play ten times on replay with Joe’s questioning commentary each time. I know it’s him and not the director, because this doesn’t happen with the other broadcasting duos, at least not as annoyingly. Thanks a lot for helping to institute instant replay. The game really needed to be slowed down some more. I can’t wait for the MLB to expand this “feature” at your insistent behest.
Oh, when there’s game-on-the-line situations on the field, I’m sure I don’t need someone to go into detail about it. I can see it and hear it in the crowd for myself. Sometimes, less is more.

Tim, I apologize for blaming you solely for the bad coverage all these years. It was mostly your partner. On the other hand, I’m sorry you’re not a baseball manager. Really sorry. Because I’m sick of you trying to manage the teams from the pressbox. Tim, the outfielders can’t hear you up there trying to position them for the next batter, and if they could, they wouldn’t listen. Your fixation on the smallest of minutia of the game, little individual player actions, is insanity inducing for those of us who aren’t players or coaches.

You’ve gotten a bit better over the years. At least you’re not a stream of endless criticism anymore. I can’t tell you how tired I got your “special” praise. Somebody makes a clutch hit; it was because the infielder didn’t listen to you and play slightly over to his left. Somebody makes a great play in the outfield; well the batter just got under it because he wasn’t listening to you tell him to choke up on the bat and go the other way with it. I’d hate to be your kid and have you be my Little League coach. I’d be hanging myself by the end of the season.

Why do I put up with these two? Because I love the game, and I’m willing to suffer for it. Vin Sculley and Joe Garigola (boy, did I just date myself) could make blowouts interesting with their knowledge and banter, and they knew when to be quiet and let the drama unfold on the field. The Fox director really needs to tell Joe and Tim to “Just call the game as it is. Stop nagging and stop trying to manufacture controversy.”

Whew! I’ve been holding that in for the last few years. If I do another baseball blog, I’ll try to be more fair and call the broadcast as it currently is.

Okay, the game itself. What can I say?

There amongst the sea of red in old St. Louis
In the shadow of the grand Arch
There the hitting monster
In the guise of a man
Crushed horsehide
And the spirits of his foes
Beneath his mighty bat

Yeah, Albert Pujols beat the hell out of the Astros, pretty much by himself. The final score was 11-2, or if you’re scoring at home Pujols 7, Cardinals 4, Astros 2.

It was kind of a sad sight. Albert comes to bat with the bases loaded. Roy Oswalt stretches out, runs to the dugout, grabs a batting tee, puts it and the ball up at home plate, and tells Al to swing away. For his next at bat, I have never heard such a deathly quiet in a stadium, as the crowd collectively held its breath before he hit his next home run. St. Louis is an amazing baseball town. I did love that little story about the Cardinals having a designated rookie that has to carry Albert Pujols’ checkerboard with them on the road.

A few quick hits:

It was great to see Pudge (Ivan Rodriguez) with the Astros. It was a bit of a surprise. My $8 season preview didn’t see that coming. I proclaim it already completely out of date.

I liked the new, smaller game update graphic. The full screen ticker style never worked for me with baseball. Did this mean Fox couldn’t find a sponsor for it?

Ever so happy to see that two things never change in a baseball broadcast. One, shots of players picking their noses in the dugout. Knowing baseball players, if they knew the camera was on them, they’d stick their fingers in other places too. Two, the d*ck with cell phone behind homeplate waving to the camera. I swear, it’s the same guy at every stadium.

Fox didn’t have a player or celebrity read the lineup card. Did this have something to do with sponsorship?

It seemed like there were shorter commercial breaks than usual for a ball game. That can’t be right. There didn’t even seem to be the overwhelming over-promotion of any other Fox TV shows. I’m sure they’ll make up for this during the playoffs.

Twitter. The broadcast team is using Twitter for updates. Twitter. Seems like an appropriately named service for all the people that use it.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist that.

I wish Fox would consider switching to another game in case of a blow out. There were better games going on. They did this last year in their last regular season game, switching amongst several games to keep up with the division/wild card races. Just a thought.

There wasn’t a post game show, not even a little chat with the man of the hour, Pujols. Then again, considering what I think of the broadcast crew, less may have been more.

Next week, an MLB/NASCAR old-fashioned Saturday double-header. Can Jeff Gordon keep his hitting streak alive in New Yankee stadium? Will Derek Jeter’s risky tire/fuel strategy payoff in Phoenix? I can hardly wait to find out.

J.

Outclassed: Ideas for Demi-Human Classes

2009-04-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

As far as Old School D&D characters are concerned, you can have any flavor, as long as it’s vanilla. Old School characters are completely anonymous, expendable, and replaceable. Any personality that develops is purely accidental. 3e characters have the opposite problem; too many choices in creation and it takes forever. For a DM, it must be like having pretend tea party with a bunch of antique china dolls. You don’t dare play too rough with starting 3e characters.

I’d like to have a happy medium of characters that are easily differentiated from one another, but fairly simple to make up. AD&D and 3e got it right in this regard; having more classes is better. More character options and real differences between classes taken by different races is something Old School could benefit from. (As long as those class differences mean more than plusses to dice rolls (3e) or how many squares you can move in a round (4e).)

These listings of powers and rules are something of a mish-mash of several different versions of D&D. This list does not pretend to be all-inclusive, authoritative, or even test-played. It’s just meant to explore the concept of demi-human classes being different than the human classes in an Old School environment.

***********

Humans may be any class, up to any level, but may not multi-class. Their only advantage is a bonus to earned experience, so human characters should always advance the quickest.

The demi-human classes listed are the typical adventurer types. There are Elvish and Dwarvish Clerics and such, but their societies frown upon them making a habit of hanging out in dungeons. For multi-class characters, earned XP is split equally between both classes. The other classes posted here should advance in level at about half the rate of the human equivalent. I’m being vague on certain items because of the differences between different rules sets.

Elf base racial characteristics:
Infravision
Improved chance to detect secret doors
Resistance to sleep and charm spells, and Ghoul paralysis

Elven Sword Mage (Fighter/Mage): Can wear armor and cast spells, but that armor has to be Elven or magical (in other words, expensive, salvaged, or gifted), else they lose their spell casting ability. They may use any type of shield or weapon but must have a free hand to cast spells in combat. As a practical matter they will typically only use one-handed melee weapons without a shield. Hit Dice 1d6.

Elven Arcane Thief (Thief/Mage): Has the full range of thief skills and restrictions. They may cast spells in combat, as long as they are wearing Elvish leather armor or magic leather armor and have a free hand. Hit Dice 1d4.

After 8th level, Elves may no longer advance as a Mage, but can continue to advance as a fighter or thief at half the human rate. Note: if the elf character had the aptitude to reach the master Mage level, they wouldn’t be adventuring. They’re too valuable to Elvish society.

Half Elf base racial characteristics:
Infravision
Improved chance to detect secret doors
Resistance to sleep and charm spells, and Ghoul paralysis

Arcane Tracker (Ranger/Mage): Limited to leather armor (does not have to be magic) and one-handed melee weapons, no shields. Cannot advance past 6th level as Mage. Hit Dice 1d8 with two 1d8 at first level.

Sword Mage: Mage progress ends at 6th level, however they can wear any normal armor, up to chainmail. Still requires a free hand to work magic. A bit heartier than the Elf version, Hit Dice 1d8.

Arcane Thief: Mage progress ends at 6th level, however they can wear non-magical leather armor. Still requires a free hand to work magic. A bit heartier than a normal Thief or Mage, Hit Dice 1d6.

Dwarven Defender:
Infravision
Hit Dice 1d8.
Natural –1 (or +1) to AC due to small size.
Saving throw bonus
Detect changes in stonework/underground environment

They are restricted from using human-sized armor, large shields, longbows, and human two-handed melee weapons. They may use a human-sized longsword or axe as a two-handed weapon. (Essentially limited to 1d8 damage weapons.)

Dwarven Rage: May rage up to three times per day. This rage causes bonus damage on a single hit (the player may call on this ability after rolling the damage dice) +4 (levels 1 to 4), +6 (levels 5 to 10), +8 (level 11 and up).

Halfling Acquisitions Expert (Burglar):
Infravision
Natural –2 (or +2) to AC due to small size.
Hit Dice 1d6.
Ranged combat at one length lower. (Long range is medium range, medium range is short range, and short range is point blank to a Halfling.)
Fearless: Immune to fear based spells or effects.
Lucky: Halflings may make a reroll of any failed saving throw.

Charm: If not in combat, Halflings may attempt to distract intelligent creatures, essentially capturing all of their attention. (This is owing to Halflings being seen as inherently cute, harmless, and silly by other races.) The level of this effect is equal to the Halfling’s level. The victim is allowed a saving throw each round, as long as nothing hostile or startling happens. For a group, only roll for the being with the best saving throw and take that for the entire group. Halflings with high Charisma should get a bonus. (Again owing to differing rules, this is left to the DM to decide on.) Caution: This ability doesn’t work other Halflings.

Standard Thief abilities and restrictions. Any leather armor a Halfling uses must be cut down to their size. They are restricted from most human-sized melee weapons. Short swords, maces, etc. may be used as a two-handed weapon. (Essentially limited to 1d6 damage weapons.) Halflings are restricted from longbows, but may use short bows.

Halflings would also seem to merit a special Bard class. But then again, “Bards suck.” Why bother?

Half Orc Berserker:
Infravision
Natural –1 (or +1) to AC due to thick skin.
Hit Dice is 1d12.
Bonus damage: Natural +1 to all melee damage.
Conditionally Fearless: Immune to fear based spells or effects, but only in combat.

Fast healing: Half Orcs heal at twice the normal rate, regardless of Constitution. Magical healing and potions are twice as effective. (Note: I’m still thinking about quick natural healing rules. Call them healing surges if you must. In lieu of that, with every hour of rest, a Half Orc regenerates 1 hp plus any Con bonus)

Half Orcs may not wear any armor. They can use any type of shield. Half Orcs may use human-sized two-handed swords and axes one-handed.

Battle Frenzy: In melee combat only, a Berserker gets multiple attacks per round. Two attacks at levels one to four, three attacks at levels five to ten, and four attacks starting at level 11.

And I don’t care what even my own rules call for, I’m house-ruling my Half Orc Paladin, Smite, into the game, because he rocks.

“Hey, J. What about Gnomes?”

“They’re good eatin’. What about them?”

J.

Texas Cup Race: “Charles Nelson Hammond”

2009-04-06T15:07:00.002-07:00

This is why we kid, because we care about Chris Myers improving his material. We put up with the groaners, because every so often he busts out a zinger. Of course, even Carl Edwards couldn’t resist commenting on Jeff Hammond wearing, what was for all intensive purposes, an ascot. So, with Fred from “Scooby Doo” in tow this Fox NASCAR broadcast began.

Yes, it was much like a cartoon, a Digger cartoon in fact. The merchandising empire spokes-rodent was, thankfully pretty low-key in his appearances, if not ignored, throughout the race. The way God intended.

I liked “DW’s Rant,” and wouldn’t mind if this was a semi-regular feature. However, the topic was really self-serving for the network. This goes back to the Bristol race. Fox is begging for some controversy to stir up some interest. DW seems to be blaming NASCAR for being too authoritative. How about adding the sponsors and the up-armored, Tank-of-Tomorrow vehicle as also diffusing some tensions.

Well as the broadcasters noted, this race had a lot of lead changes. Great. Finally, a race where several drivers had a good chance to win based their abilities and their cars’ setup. As opposed to one driver dominating the day, with only the possibility of some fluke taking him out. The downside is that this leaves me little to complain about, and apparently little to comment on about the race itself. I’ve always been afraid this would happen. I wonder if NASCAR discussion might disappear entirely if the fans are made too consistently happy.

I have to give Fox one big up and one big down in the way they handled the end of the race. On the negative, what happened to Carl Edwards in his last pit stop? Why weren’t they covering the leader’s pit stop? It’s not another “Tiregate” issue, but really this was a big broadcasting whiff, as it impacted the race finish. Thankfully, Fox’s director made a good decision after the checkers in carrying the Jeff Gordon’s and Steve Letarte’s radio chatter. Those two certainly the expressed the emotion in ending Gordon’s season plus win-less drought better than any commentator could.

I could swear I heard the crowd cheering after Jeff won the race. Don’t they know that they hate him? Has Jeff been replaced by Kyle Busch as NASCAR’s most despised driver? I hate fair-weather haters. Or perhaps the fans were in a giddy, euphoric mood as Junior managed to lead the race for like two seconds under green and were confused into cheering for anything.

Dad called me right after Jeff’s exuberant Victory Lane interview. “Where’s Ingrid?” he began. Dad wanted to see her new hairstyle after reading my blog. Oh, and it gets worse. Drivers are all superstitious. Ingrid and Ella (and Mr. Hendricks) may not invited back to the track until Jeff loses again. I have mixed feelings about that possibility.

J.

St. Petersburg ALMS race: Something Missing

2009-04-06T15:07:00.001-07:00

I was planing on writing an Indy 500 blog and decided I’m only commenting on other non-NASCAR races if I saw something worth writing about. When I sit down for a NASCAR race, I’m always worried that nothing comment-worthy is going to happen. Somehow, plenty of stuff always comes up. The day it doesn’t, I guess I should stop.

This ALMS race was entertaining. There were only two significant passes, and while I rail at NASCAR for boat racing (few passes for the lead on track), I go into a sports car race with entirely different expectations. Forgive me for not naming names and teams, but again I don’t watch American Le Mans for the personalities, so much as for the cars. Where else can you see Ferraris banging fenders with Porsches. The series best selling point, the cool cars, tends to overshadow the drivers, completely backward from NASCAR marketing.

Still, there was stuff missing from what I had seen from previous broadcasts. Teams: Penske and AGR. The Aston Martins (privateer and factory). The factory corvettes. The entire GT1 class (such as it was to begin with). The P1 Audi’s. Hopefully, some of these cars will return after Le Mans in France runs. There was still plenty of variety with BMW, Porsche, Ferrari, Dodge Viper, Ford Mark VII, Panoz, and a privateer Corvette. The field was a bit thin, especially in the Prototypes. Anyone watching on TV or in person, likely got what they were looking for anyway.

The coverage was entirely functional. Considering this was an ESPN production, that’s a compliment. The pre-race was no nonsense setup and the commentary was lively and involved throughout the race. Forgive me for not naming names. I know who these people are, but forgot to write their names down. One person I will name is Kelli Stavast. I am familiar with her CORR (off road racing) coverage, and she is totally crush-worthy. In this venue, she seemed a little shaky at times, but I’m sure she’ll grow into it.

The bright, sunny camera views were perfect for this oceanfront race. There were even happy crowd shots. The on-board cameras, especially the rooftop views, were great at bringing the speed and claustrophobia of street racing home. I was disappointed with their video blog racer, Chad Cody (hope I got that name right), because it was interesting, but there wasn’t enough of it.

Will ALMS ever live down ruining Dale Earnhardt Jr’s racing career with that fiery, spinout a couple of years ago? Who knows? In the meantime, they’ve found their niche. Even with some subtractions, the series delivers on what it promotes.

Geek out: Gotta love the mostly classy, upscale commercials during ALMS broadcasts. The slow motion, bullet through the bottle spot for Acura, was my fav.

J.

The Trouble With Pathfinder

2009-04-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

The best thing that has come out Dungeons & Dragons Third Edition has undoubtedly been Paizo. I say that they are the best RPG publisher in the business. I can back this up with their run on Dungeon and Dragon magazines, their modules, and their Adventure Paths. These guys are good. Would that they were using better tools to ply their trade, namely 3e. Paizo is now set to publish their version of those rules, Pathfinder.

The main purpose behind this game is to fix 3e’s grapple rule, and by all accounts, it hasn’t even succeed at that.

Okay, that was uncalled for and not true. Well, not entirely true. I stand by my statement, but the real reason is to keep the 3e rules in print.

Okay, that motive doesn’t really make any sense either. I know Paizo wanted to publish under the OGL/D20 SRD and have access to that material. I understand that they wanted nearly complete backward compatibility with their own published 3e adventures. But essentially any change they made was going to disrupt that and cork off a bunch of 3e grognards. Realistically, the entire audience for 3e already owns the core books. In order to make Pathfinder appealing to that group, they had to “fix” things and add new material, and convert their future adventures to the new system. The snake swallows its tail.

I applaud Paizo’s open design process for Pathfinder and candor about their publishing plans. I question the reality of it. To make the system backward compatible, player suggestions couldn’t really change anything. While open playtesting was incorporated into the design, little fundamentally changed with the rules as written.

I realize the finalized game hasn’t been released and that I’ve only read the Alphas and the Betas, without actually playing them. However, I doubt the game is going to change much when put in print, so I’ll comment on the showstoppers.

First and most importantly, the game is impenetrable to newbies. I can say this because it applies to me. I sense D20 is a simple system, but I’m only guessing, because what I’ve read is mess of modifiers, a multitude of confusing options, and any number of rules exceptions and special cases. Jason Bulmahn, the games’ lead designer, posted on the Paizo message board, “I also want the system to have enough complexity to keep advanced players interested, looking for new crannies and corners of the rules to explore.” That goal has been more accomplished. On the other hand, I have to give an Incomplete on the following statement: “We are aiming this at average gamers, both those who have been playing for decades and those who have just started.”

The unforgivable sin of Pathfinder is that they did nothing to fix the perils of playing a high level game. The game allows for high level play, but breaks down in such a predictable manner that even Paizo’s own Adventure Paths don’t support it. Combat, with a huge numbers of bonuses, actions, and options, is simply unplayable but for the most devoted hobbyists. Suitable threats are limited and also unplayable. Perhaps they should have fixed it by dropping it. Release it later as a supplement with a separate, reworked set of rules.

Clerics: Pathfinder and 4e seem united in one goal—Screw the Cleric. Whereas 4e tried to make the class irrelevant with healing surges and the Paladin supplanting the role, Pathfinder just castrated them. The “Channel Energy” ability combines “Turn Undead” and healing into one almost useless activity. It’s not very efficient. And why would you play anything other than a “Good” cleric? The “Evi” ones will end up fratriciding everyone in the party every time they channel negative energy. The people on the Paizo board insist this is all a feature and not a bug.

I’m just going to starting nit picking again.

Pathfinder has attempted to make 3e’s base classes appealing, but done nothing about the weirdness of 3e multi-class characters. You know, 6th fighter/ 3rd thief/ 1st monk/ 3 bedroom/ 2 bath characters. How about some restrictions?

They tried to fix 3e skills in the Alpha version. By making them more complex? Chalk one up for the Paizo board posters for shooting this one down. Unfortunately, the all-at-once inadequate/overburdened skills system was left the same, except for getting rid of “Use Rope” and few other edits. How about getting rid of the separate skills system and integrating it into the characters classes?

Feats: dump. Just get rid of them. Add a selected few as class features with level advancement. Chalk another one up for the Paizo board posters. The Alpha version attempted to give characters literal, button-mashing, video game-like attack combos.

Buffs: I’ve seen gameplay posts on the Paizo forum by very knowledgeable players, and even they can’t keep all the plusses straight. Maybe some drastic limits need to be imposed to make this playable.

Iterative, Hastened, Quickened, Immediate, Swift: WTF! Strange, the more actions a character has, the slower the game gets. I wish I could find the post, but one Paizo employee wrote about his experience about playing with his boss, James Jacobs. “I think James was referring to me about abusing multiple actions. In one game, I called out, ‘I cast Quickened Etherealness.’ He shot back without hesitation, ‘Quickened Etherealness is banned from the game.’” (Now that’s a DM!) I have some more thoughts on this I’ll put in another post.

Others and myself put in several pleas for a “Basic” Pathfinder after the completion of the main volume. This would have ideally been a simplified rules set, more or less compatible with the full version. Disappointingly, there was never any official response.

RPG’s can be made by mere mortals on their own. I’ve done it (though not necessarily well). There’s plenty of free systems available on the Internet. I understand the need for publishing companies to make somewhat complex games with many options, at least in order to justify creating a library of material and to differentiate themselves from home-brews. But an intro version, especially for a complex system, is mandatory if you want to attract new players.

Put this “Pathfinder Basic” game in conjunction with their Pathfinder Society scenarios, and you may have a party game. Something that could be played inside of a couple of hours, give the players a clear goal and a reasonable chance of success, no “shopping at the bazaar” during the adventure, just straight-up adventuring (fighting, parleying, puzzle solving).

The OGL has proven to be extremely flexible. Labyrinth Lord, Swords & Wizardry, Mutant Future, Basic Fantasy, OSRIC, and others all publish under it with a wealth of material to support it. Along with that, I believe the D20 system has not been exploited to its full potential. White Box, Microlite 20, Microlite 74, Green Ronin’s True 20 have shown that it’s flexible and can be easy to learn and play. D20 could be the Rosetta Stone system that FUDGE wanted to be. Paizo, push Pathfinder out the door for the 3e grognards. Then think seriously about making a game for the rest of us.

J.

Links of Interest:

Labyrinth Lord

Swords & Wizardry and White Box

Mutant Future

Basic Fantasy

OSRIC

Microlite 20

Microlite 74

True 20

FUDGE

Pathfinder

Deathmatch: 4e vs. Retro-Clone/Pathfinder

2009-04-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

Within two years either 4e or the Retro-Clone movement/Pathfinder (united in cause, divided in method) will be effectively dead. That is to say, not gaining any new players and losing what it has. I wrote that on paper a year ago, but I’ll give myself another year.

Of course, the likeliest possibility is that they’re both dead in that timeframe.

Hasbro could plug the plug on pen and paper D&D at any moment for reasons that only make sense to their accountants. They could relaunch D&D as an online-only service, buying out Everquest or something. Or they could make D&D just a miniatures board game (well, that’s already pretty much 4e), or a collectible card game (shudder), or combine the two for 5e (petite mal seizure).

Paizo, God bless them, may be only prolonging the inevitable with Pathfinder/3e, they just don’t know it yet. Don’t worry. Their Golarion setting and adventures will live on using another system.

And the clones, divided and squabbling over what is “real” D&D is will never amount to anything. It is the domain of fanatical altruists, as well as opportunists looking for a trendy marketing niche, like Monte Cook. On the other hand, their games are free and resources plentiful, so they won’t die a final death either.

Is D&D a hobby/passion with an expiration date for most people? Superhero comic books, the bulk of new comics, are a hobby most people can only stomach for so long. In the span of about five years, you’ll see essentially every type of superhero story there’s ever been. Is D&D the same? Can the average person only do role-play so many times before abandoning it, perhaps picking it up and dusting it off every so often to remind themselves why they liked it and why they stopped? Sort of reminds me of my old Dark Tower game.

I've said plenty about 4e, and I have something to say about Pathfinder’s ultimate survivability in another blog. For the Old School, I have two areas of overall concern. In another post, I'll get to some specific issues.

First, I hope Grognardia is right and that we are on the cusp of a New Old School. More Old School style, but with a better rules framework, incorporating Make It Your Own with the best in playable new ideas. Trying to satisfy the grognard community with one system is a fool’s errand, but a central, published product to rally around is essential. It has to be new material, not a nostalgic rehash of rules systems come, gone, and replaced. It has to be user expandable, with clearly labeled differences between core rules and optional rules. Paizo might be the best option for this mythical product, if they can just pull their head out of their 3e rear.

Meanwhile, I worry about the current OS fascination with mega-dungeons. Does “Old School” really work best in dungeons? “Explore till you die” seems like the OS motto. 4e with healing surges, an easier trap detection mechanic, minions, and a complete reliance on minis, seems like a better fit in such an environment. 4e is Old School in that regard at least. OS, with its looser, judgement call rules and the threat of easy character death, might work better in places like small lair-type dungeons, or thieving an urban business, combat arenas, or raiding a mysterious outdoor temple. Places that could conceivably be studied first before they were assaulted and where escapes could be quicker.

If the Old School movement becomes synonymous with only dungeon crawls, no matter how inventive or clever, it dies. Stuff like Dragonlance and Paizo Adventure Paths became popular because players and DM’s wanted more. If Old School can get it’s act together with a system, expanding the playing environment needs to be the next goal.

J.

Link of Interest:

Grognardia

I dis 4e

2009-04-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

It’s as good an RPG as could have been designed by a corporation. It’s good that Marketing had a seat at the design meetings. It’s bad that the seat was at the head of the table and everybody else was just there to take their orders.

There’s a psychological element to the dislike of this game that isn’t fair, but if WOTC didn’t want enemies then they shouldn’t have made them. I’ll start with the two worst issues.

They cancelled Dragon and Dungeon to create a monthly online service. Like it or not, ready or not, Internet subscriptions are poised to gut the newsstand. The loss of these printed magazines was like losing an old friend, but the community can still gather around the D&D website, I guess. The worst aspect of this for WOTC was turning their best asset, Paizo, into their biggest competitor.

Dishonesty about 4e was the bigger problem. Even when everyone knew they were working on the new edition, they denied it to keep 3.5 sales going. How bad did Paizo make WOTC look as their Pathfinder playtest was open and public, while 4e test players were under non-disclosure agreements? This has left a lingering bad taste in my mouth.

It was designed to be a collectible miniatures game, some hellish cross between chess, backgammon, and Pokemon. It’s also been designed to be incompatible with all previous versions. So, shell out for the minis and hope you get what you want in the booster packs, and you may as well throw out all your old books and adventures and buy new ones. At least, that’s what WOTC hopes you’ll do. Like I said, marketing ruled the creation of this game, not game designers.

I’ll throw in my tacky, nit-pick game issues. The ones that I know of, that is.

-Treasure parcels: Allowing the players to pick their treasure? How on earth did this rule get in there? That doesn’t even happen online.

-Skill challenges: From what little I understand of this procedure, I don’t understand it. I have heard the same from people who play the game.

-Traps: Somehow, what got slimmed down on monster stat block, got added to the trap stat blocks.

-Saving Throw continuing conditions: From what I’ve read, this is one of those things that adds needless complexity to the game. The same thing goes for monsters’ power recharge rolls.

-Immediate Interrupts: I think this rule actually goes back to 3e. Whatever. It reminds me of Attacks of Opportunity and other such nonsense. Look, when it’s my turn in a combat round, it’s MY turn.

-Character death: 4e players may actually have to willfully want their character to die in order to make it happen. Meanwhile in a harsh Old School environment, every dungeon is “Tomb of Horrors” to a low-level character. Is there a possibility of finding a happy medium? I wonder how a player with only 4e experience would react to any other RPG, especially games where characters can actually die suddenly.

Perhaps 4e’s worst sin is that it seems to have delineated all the rules so thoroughly. The ragged gray, improvisational edge that all RPG’s live in when played in the wild, has been erased. I think this was supposed to help shield players and DM’s from bad playing experiences from arguing over the rules (like an online game). They missed the point. Much like children playing Cowboys and Indians, the arguing was an integral part of the game. The participants shape the rules. This is stated or implied in most RPG’s.

If the intention of “hard” rules was to have less arguing and more role-playing, it may have only half succeeded. 4e players seem to tend to metagame more with concrete rules, looking for every advantage that the rules allow. Finding the best method to crack an encounter is the focus, just like a video game. Ironically, this actually sounds Old School, challenge the player, not the character. But rather than using creativity and logic in a situation, it’s a matter of finding the best combo move with the dice. Like good chess and monopoly players, experienced 4e players will be easy to spot in a game. Again, not too much different from some Old School players and DM’s, who end up in some kind of “Spy vs. Spy” mentality with tricks, traps, and raiding dungeon rooms.

The bigger question may be how close are WOW and D&D’s virtual tabletop getting to replicating the in-person D&D experience? As WOTC has made D&D more like a video game that difference has eroded significantly. I have to believe that the next version of D&D will get them out of the publishing business altogether and into an online subscription model. The only question in my mind is when. At least at that point, the grognard/retro clone movement wins, however Pyrrhic the victory.

All is not lost. While many long-time gamers have embraced 4e, the target audience of this edition was new players, specifically collectible card players and online gamers. There are several nods to WOW to make the game seem very familiar, including rules for games without a referee. With the combat rules having easy analogues to the computer game, the in-person RPG opens up whole new dimensions for these players. Gabe from Penny Arcade seems like the perfect conversion story. The old-timers, meanwhile, like to have a new set of rules to play with and break, I suppose. D&D may be coming back around to its roots, away from character drama, huge settings, and adventure paths, and this is the perfect system for dungeon hacking.

Given its prop-driven nature, 4e seems like it would be hard to improv and role-play, but the RP in face-to-face RPG apparently can’t be suppressed. Check out this quote from Gabe:

“We went from basically playing a board game with dice and minis to something much more interesting. It's just been awesome to watch them go from being a little embarrassed to be playing D&D and not wanting to look stupid to really to embracing their characters. I've got a friend who plays a Dragonborn and is actually speaking Draconic at the table…”

Now that sounds like D&D.

J.

Source:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/2009/3/4/

I <3 (heart) 4e

2009-04-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

Not enough to want to play it, but I like some of their rules or concepts enough to steal them as house rules. Take note that I haven’t played the game or read the rule books, so I’m commenting on the concepts as I understand them.

First, I applaud 4e for dispensing with Vancian magic. If nothing else, this was worthwhile. Anybody who wants to play a wizard character wants to cast spells during a fight. Putting a dividing line between combat spells and non-combat rituals also gets a hearty cheer from me. Spells that can be cast in combat should be different than utility/divination/whatever spells.

They’ve created some sort of standardized system for non-standard combat maneuvers and instituted Action Points as a way to allow heroic stunts. Other systems already use variants of this. Let the swashbuckling begin.

There are actual meaningful differences between different races being the same class. Unfortunately, these differences seem to just amount to counting off squares in combat and various bonuses, but I really like the idea.

Streamlined monster stat blocks and abilities: Well, anything would be an improvement over 3e stat blocks that might cover several pages for a major NPC in Dungeon magazine. It’s cool though to make monster powers easier to play and to see what a monster can do at a glance. It’s bad in that seemingly every power again involves counting squares.

Skills rules: They couldn’t be any worse than 3e. Use Rope? Out of class skills, anyone? Skills are trained or untrained with bonuses based on level. If you’re going to use skills, this at least seems simple.

Spell duration: Counting off rounds for spell length is nuts! There I’ve said it. Combat can be complex enough without having to keep track of a bunch of spell effects. If you have to have a rationale for spells only lasting for an encounter, say that they’re adrenaline activated.

Minions: I really like this idea. It fits in well with the heroic fantasy genre. It lets the players feel cool. It makes the main villains look that much tougher. Why bother tallying hit points for hoards of nothing monsters?

Healing surges: Not per se, but I like the notion. 4e Adventuring parties do not have to have clerics. Granted, parties still pretty much have to consist of characters in assigned roles, since 4e assigns party roles even more stridently than Old School. This is an unfortunate by-product of its dependence on miniatures in combat. But the is idea is there, buried, that you could have parties that don’t have a traditional composition. Why not a gang of thieves? A cadre of mercenaries? A class field trip of wizards from Hogwart’s? (Scratch that last one.) Pity that they didn’t go further with it.

Defense stats: AC, fort, will, and reflex are static values. D20 should have been set up to work like this from the beginning.

See, I do have some respect for 4e. There’s some good ideas in there, and I’ve only listed the ones I know about. Of course, I’ve also got a post of things I don’t like coming up.

J.

Martinsville Cup Race: Ingrid’s hair

2009-03-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are at Martinsville, ready for a day of short track racing. We’re watching the pre-race. There’s Jeff Gordon. He’s getting friendly with some unidentified woman. Oh my God, that’s his wife Ingrid! SHE’S CHOPPED OFF HER HAIR!

Okay, okay. I’m back in control. I’ve just had too many shocks today. Jenson Button won this morning in F1’s season opener in Australia, and his teammate finished second. Not bad for a team that was put up for sale by Honda last year (1 win during their five or so year tenure) and not purchased until about three weeks ago. Their cars ran plain white, with no sponsors. I could not be happier for the Button. Ferrari is predictably protesting the win. I say 50/50 that it sticks, but it’s all good right now.

Back to NASCAR, I’ll give glancing mention to the Saturday Truck race. With the rain falling during the entire broadcast, the quickest vehicle I saw was a train going down the backstretch rail line. I’ve said before never/always watch rain delay NASCAR coverage. Any race coverage that starts with rain you can safely walk away from for at least two hours, if not entirely. Doesn’t matter if the drivers are in the cars, or driving pace laps or even caution/green laps. They’re not going to race any time soon. On the other hand, they usually have good conversations with the drivers while waiting out the weather. Unfortunately, Kyle Busch was the only driver there apparently worth talking to as far as Fox was concerned. At least he’s either matured a bit or gotten some TV interview etiquette lessons from Kurt, so it wasn’t terrible.

(Weather Caveat: I do remember a rainy Talledega Busch race from a few years ago. The think the broadcast went like five hours, but racing was tremendous in between showers and produced some of the best crash footage I’ve ever seen.)

Other than the bombshell of Ingrid’s radical new hairstyle, the pre-race went off well. In other words, no Digger. The guys seemed a lot more casual than last week, like the pressure was somehow off for hyping up the race.

Great interview with Rick Hendrick, if for no other reason than that involuntary grimace on the subject of Kyle Busch. I’m comfortable in saying the Mr. H doesn’t want him back, but I’m sure he didn’t want the kid to show him up so badly on the track after letting him go.

Good to see Dick Bergeron’s little revenge on Chris Myers. That was a long-time in coming. Also great to see that Marcos Ambrose spot. Interesting theory by Jeff Hammond, singling out that the loss of Darrien Grubb as the reason for Jr.’s lacking performance this year. I almost felt a bit sorry for Kyle Busch getting boo’ed in the driver introductions. He’s clearly hearing them.

It was a mostly bright, sunny day, with good TV pictures and a nearly full house. There was some dizzying race action on the little paper clip. Glad to see Jeff running up front. Boy, that is a great paint scheme. Yep, good-lookin’ car. I CAN’T BELIEVE INGRID CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR!

Ahem.

I noticed there were two different camera angles of Kenseth’s crew losing control of a tire on pit road. Perhaps Fox has learned its lesson after "Tiregate," where there was no video at Atlanta of a member of Menard’s crew supposedly rolling one of Marcos Ambrose’s tires away, causing a member of his crew to chase it into the infield.

The on-track battle for the lead was fierce. Denny Hamlin passed Jeff Gordon before halfway. Later in the race, Denny passed Jimmy, who had gotten out in front via a quick pit stop. Well, that was about it, until Jimmy knocked Denny out of the way to take the lead in the closing laps. Was Jimmy racing Denny dirty? (Say that line out loud.) Who cares? That move kept this race from becoming a rerun of nearly every other race this year; somebody gets out front and sails to a boring win. At least it livened things up. Classy comments from Denny afterwards. Oh, there’ll be some payback in the future anyway, count on that.

Jeff was not asked in the post race about his wife’s hair. I can’t believe this wasn’t the main story of the race. Fox totally fell down on this. They should have had constant updates on this Ingrid hair situation, at least as often as they did updates on Dale Jr.’s track position. Why not? She’s got about as much chance to win any given race as he does. I’m going to need time to get used to Ingrid’s new hairdo. To that end, I think they need to put her on camera a lot more.

Strange, that’s what I said last week.

J.

Bristol Cup Race: Where’s Digger!

2009-03-22T17:56:00.000-07:00

I’m checking the back of my milk carton, but I only see pictures of Fox’s pit lane reporters. O’ Where fore art thou, Digger! Little Digger! Brave rodent, stalwart gopher, and a true NASCAR fan. Fox’s broadcast exists only for you. My Digger. Alas, my little Digger!

Well, maybe him and the reporters got capped because it was a quickie pre-race show. There wasn’t even a sit down interview with any of the drivers. On the other hand, I would have much rather had all that stuff than Chris Myers’ truly flat efforts at comedy today. The jokes weren’t bad, but the delivery was awful.

The Fox pre-race crew seemed extremely uptight. Especially if you compare them to Rusty, Brad, and Alan from yesterday’s Nationwide pre-race. Those guys were loose and having fun. Chris, Jeff, and DW were just nervous. I don’t think it was because Fox didn’t let DW participate in the Saturday Night Legends race. No, these guys were practically begging the drivers to start a fight. All the promo images showed drivers getting into it with each other. It was emphasized that the race was finally a sellout. Then there were lots of close up shots of the crowd.

To digress for a moment, NASCAR broadcasts never show the crowd. In baseball, they always show the crowd, pictures of nice-looking families having fun, kids in particular. (Fan cam is one of the better features of Fox’s baseball coverage.) In football, you always get shots of Darth Raider and dudes in 10 degree weather wearing only painted letters on their chests. In basketball, you can’t help but see the crowd. Hockey is probably the only sport with less coverage of the people in attendance.

In short, the Fox guys were trying to sell the sport, and desperately. They wanted something to happen during the race that would make newscast reels around the country. They went out of their way to show that NASCAR was popular and that people were coming out to the races. After four lack-luster races in a row, including a fan drought at Atlanta, NASCAR and Fox needed a good race.

Unfortunately, what they got was a different track with the same racing. How could cars get that strung out on a short track? You would think that it would be hard for the race leader to run away with the lead, given the size of the track and the traffic. When I saw it Saturday with Kevin Harvick, I thought it was an aberration. I accept that Kyle Busch is a great driver, but how could even he stretch it out like that at Bristol after a Green/White/Checkers restart?

I think it’s the COT. The car was designed to be generic, to produce close racing, and somewhat hard to drive, to make driver skill more important. A few drivers have adapted and thrived, but not enough to make the championship more interesting. The car’s inherent instability is also encouraging the drivers to give one another a wide berth in racing. A good COT race is the exception. A boat race is the norm.

Bristol is always somewhat overhyped. It’s strange that a race marred by frequent cautions and less than spectacular wrecks would be so popular. I think it’s really the spectacle of the track itself that draws the crowd. In person, the stadium must be awe inspiring, regardless of the quality of the racing. At times, it’s the modern Circus Maximus. I remember the end of a Busch Series race a couple of years ago, before the Green/White/Checker rule. They stayed green during two wrecks and then only stopped the race when a third wreck completely blocked the track. The crowd went nuts. I was at home and jumping up and down cheering.

The main goal for a TV crew covering the race is to make their audience want to be there. At Bristol, that isn’t hard. The stadium is very TV friendly given its small size and the height of the grandstands. Even Digger cam was useful today in showing the "marbles" that the commentators are always talking about. I have to give ABC/ESPN credit for a couple of their camera angles in the pre-race. They showed the view from the top of a pit box, and had a wide-angle shot of the whole track detailing where the best pit stalls were and why.

Quick hits: There were a few unenthusiastic Junior updates during the race. I think Fox is about to give up on him saving their half of the season. Props to Macros Ambrose getting a top ten finish in a wounded car. Interviewing the Aussie after the race would have been a good move. A bad move would be showing more freaking movie videos and other flashing ads at the top and bottom of the screen during the race. It was like watching a letterbox picture inside of a letterbox picture. Obnoxious to say the least.

My best idea to boost ratings would be to show more of Jeff Gordon’s wife, Ingrid. The racing may not be good every week, but I can guarantee she’ll be beautiful every week. Jeff, for everything you’ve got going for you, you just got lucky hooking up with her.

Geek moment: Logano’s Halo/Gamestop paint scheme in the Nationwide race. Cool, and it was good to see the old-style NASCAR car again.

J.

BSG: Post Mortem

2009-03-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

So I guess the lesson is: don’t create intelligent robots? Hard to get terribly worried about that. We have a hard enough time creating intelligent humans. Screw that anyway. I want an anime-inspired, robotic girlfriend. By the way, the robot “girl” from the end was real. I’d link to the story if I could remember where it was. A wee-bit out of my price range for now. Though a cost-analysis between amortized payments for a robot girlfriend compared with that of a real girlfriend may show that . . . Never mind.

It wasn’t Adama shouting out “Noooo!” at the end. Nor was it me. I was saying, “That’s it? Is it over? Is it?” Wingman, D-Mat was there with me and forced to endure the entire two hour and 10 minute ordeal, recording it, while I attended to important matters of state and national security. (God, I loved writing that sentence.) When we were together in the room, it was a steady stream of sarcasm. If you can’t enjoy something, make fun of it. During the last hour, I think we both threw out our necks watching the clock. That needed editing, not an extra 10 minutes. And you know the DVD version is going to be longer.

I will not completely condemn this episode. The only part D-Mat and I both shut up during was that 40 minutes of fanboy-pleasing, sci fi action. Thank you. That was one intense battle, though frankly some of the computer effects looked like they were done with actual models, but badly. The toasters have never looked right in animation. Still, the raptor squadron teleport straight out of the hanger was cool. And if Galactica was never going to open up with her nuclear weapon silos in the series, at least Racetrack got to out with a bang. Sorry, couldn’t resist that. (By the way, whatever happened to Showboat?)

The good times were over all too soon. Nothing smacks of greater originality on this show than a session of gunpoint negotiation. Metatextually speaking, Baltar’s speech was essentially there to explain the producers’ lack of explanation in plotting of the series. “We can’t explain our shoddy story logic. We hope you didn’t notice.” I could live with that, if it had been done better. Nice to see Gaius get a good moment there, anyway.

The opening scene of Adama sitting in an alley wearing his own drunken vomit, seemed like a perfect reflection of the ending of this episode, if not an accurate description of how it was actually written. Class all the way. I could totally see Lorne Greene doing that scene. Kids, don’t do drugs and try to plot a TV show. J. Michael Straczynski didn’t on Babylon 5 and look at how well that turned out. Hell, he lost his main character and virtually had to start the story over, and still made it work. On BSG, they were trying to connect the dots to a picture that wasn’t there.

Where to start? The character flashbacks would have worked, if this were Internet fanfiction, or if they had been doing more of this throughout the series, (like a certain other show does). The character arcs all played out, but did any of the show’s themes? I’m still confused by what this show was trying to say, so I guess not. The biggest failed recurring motif had to be the opera house. On that note, Bear McCreary is a great musican, if only for composing The Shape of Things to Come, but the continual reuse of that theme was only reminding me of times when the show was better.

The ending was rewritten during the writers’ strike. Makes you wonder what the original was. Perhaps some bizarre, psychoanalytical Evangelion-like ending? Something that would cause fan outrage and ensure TV immortality? Instead, we got this rather workman-like functional ending. I was expecting some kind of twist ending. I’m still waiting. By the way, Hera was obviously short for “red herring.” In other words, a distraction that only exists to motivate the characters to action, instead of accomplishing their real objective.

Why was there surprise that everyone in the fleet was okay with going native? The only ones making the decisions were the ones holding all the guns. Now this could actually be a parable for our times. Oh, and thank goodness Helo survived. The poor guy had been nothing but baggage since Season 1. He deserved a happy ending.

Starbuck jumping them to earth should have been the end. Those long good-byes lead to a bunch of clock watching. Some text narrative and still shots would have sufficed. Then go to the present day with that epilogue, if you have to, to make whatever your point was. Ron Moore showing up at the end made me think I was going to be right about my Evangelion ending prediction: that the characters were going to gather around and congratulate him. “I think they already did that during the Frakking Special,” said D-Mat.

Looking back at the series as a whole? I didn’t like the mini-series, except for Richard Gibbs’ spare soundtrack and the CGI. Season 1 was great, tight, well-written, and cool. The opening teaser segment for Kobold’s Last Gleaming Part 1 was the highlight of the whole series for me. After that, it just all went downhill, with maybe a couple of up ticks (The Captain’s Hand [not the abortion subplot] and Downloaded).

When they expanded the number of episodes per season, filler and long, unnecessarily drawn-out storylines consumed the show. Then there was the thinly disguised socio-political statements, that became progressively more cringingly blatant. The mythology, such as it was being created on the fly, destroyed the “reality” they had created for the show and turned the characters into ciphers for advancing the plot. Even Season 1 has been ruined for me in re-watching, knowing what’s in store for them.

Going back to Babylon 5 for a moment, what was that show’s lasting contribution to TV drama? Yeah, not much. What will this version of Battlestar Galactica’s be? That’s unknown for now. The new, upcoming Star Trek film doesn’t seem to take many cues from it. Let’s hope this BSG doesn’t do for sci fi what Watchmen did for superhero comic books. That is, essentially ruin them by making the underlying concept look ridiculous.

Frighteningly, this isn’t the end. The Plan is coming and is going to answer all your dangling questions about the show. Too bad the producers couldn’t pull off that feat during the actual run of the show. Then there’s Caprica. Different enough to not have to worry about direct comparisons. Likely, too different to get most of the current audience to care in the long run. We’ll see.

The best thing about the finale was that I finally got to break out my “Take care of the plants,” line as Adama flew past the agro-ship. Even D-Mat appreciated a little old-school sci fi love for Silent Running.

J.

4e: The Elephant in the "Old School" Room

2009-03-15T16:40:00.000-07:00

I have to start this with a couple of testimonials from gamers who love 4e. I don’t want to, but they’re the best illustration of what I don’t like about the game.

Perhaps you’re familiar with the (predominately) computer gamer comic strip Penny Arcade? (Disclaimer: I am a fan. Even though I could read all the strips online for free, I own four of their printed books.) If you want the biggest and weirdest success story in the history of the Web, it’s not Amazon. It’s Gabe and Tycho (yes, I know that’s not their real names) creating a zillion dollar empire from doing an online comic that’s incomprehensible to 99% of most normal people. (I seriously need the commentary track in the books to get some of the jokes.)

Given that Gabe has made fun of Tycho on more than one occasion over his pen and paper RPG hobby, one has to wonder how he became a 4e disciple. On another note, how low is RPG on the nerd totem pole that a hardcore video gamer and collectible card enthusiast can make fun of it? If we are to take various Penny Arcade strips as slices of their gaming life, then Gabe truly thought (pretty much accurately) that tabletop gamers were a bunch idiotic losers in the Nerdsphere. (Just a tick above LARPER’s.)

My premise isn’t that Gabe changed or the gamers changed when he got to know them. It was the game (4e) that was the difference. The cynic in me has to wonder if Gabe’s miraculous conversion had something to do with some cross promotion. WOTC did buy ad space on their site. I’ll accept it as genuine, since I myself, can attest to the lure of the rolling dice. Gabe had no interest in previous versions of D&D from hearing Tycho’s stories of adventuring. From there, he gives this testament:

"I think it was the new 4th edition rules combined with where I was in my tabletop journey that made D&D really appeal to me. The tabletop journey I mentioned is actually sort of interesting. I've been thinking about why I was sort of primed for D&D and if you trace it back through the news posts you can see that it starts with Pokemon of all things."

The story ends with:

"Anyway, playing these raid decks it turns out is a lot like playing D&D. You have one guy controlling all the monsters and you have a party of adventurers working together to beat them. It was very easy to make the transition between the two and I found the added freedom that D&D offered to be really exciting. I still love Pokemon and I'm excited about picking up Platinum next month."

I could have ended that quote a little sooner to make it less embarrassing, but I couldn’t resist. Let me sum this for you if you didn’t get it: collectible card games are a primer for 4e. You know, if Gabe had said that computer RPG’s were the genesis of his love for 4e, it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as hurtful. I can’t believe Tycho let him write that without making a rebuttal. He played the Old School stuff!

Anyway, it seems like WOTC hit their audience right on the mark. Card crack addicts, WOW organic input devices, and the lemming-like, whiners of the pen and paper RPG community, who are thrilled to have something new to bitch about/defend to the death (flip a coin, choose a side).

The strange case of Paul Tevis of the Have Games Will Travel podcast I find more disquieting. Here is a fellow, who literally never said the words, "Dungeons & Dragons" on the air, but as a pejorative, until 4e. Mr. Indy gamer, practically living at the Forge booth at Gen Con, and frequent interviewer of gamer reviewer extraordinaire, Kenneth Hite. That last point is important. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Hite has ever jumped on that 4e bandwagon, other than having respect for the people in charge of creating it.

Tevis has absolutely bubbled with enthusiasm for a game that should theoretically be beneath his contempt. It "Scratches a different itch," is something close to what he said in a review. I guess it’s the miniatures wargaming itch, and I don’t think he’s not getting any kickbacks from WOTC that I can see. He did make an interesting comment. Tevis noticed that 4e players talked about the game experience, not the in-game experience. That is, not talking about the adventure the characters were having, but the fun the players were having making attack combos and such.

And that, is utterly antithetical to the RPG experience. At its best, tabletop RPG is a shared story that is meant to be retold. (Usually tales of astounding player stupidity resulting in their character’s death, but still.) At its worst, it’s a bunch of people sitting around a table rolling dice. Why not play Monopoly? It’s the same thing: roll dice, move tokens around a board, use some strategy. Less social stigma.

Okay, people are having fun with 4e, why be such a grump? Good question. 4e is essentially a fantasy-themed (collectible) miniatures wargame. On the other hand, Old School D&D stuff makes no allowances for role-playing in the rules either (perhaps even less than 4e). It’s not the players. There are plenty of old-time D&D players who like the game, along with the newbies. So, what’s the diff?

That’s the elephant in the Old School room, which nobody’s talking about.

Well, hate to leave it like this, but what a great place to ask for reader comments. Anyway, I plan on continuing this, and in another, upcoming gaming post, I shall sing the mellifluous praises of 4e. Really.

(And then gripe about it. Really.)

J.

Sources:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/2009/2/18/
http://www.havegameswilltravel.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=380490

BSG: The End is Here

2009-03-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

How sad is it that I'm looking back at Hercules and Xena as the "good old days" of fantasy and science fiction on TV? Speaking of those shows, I guess I could talk about Legend of the Seeker, which is produced by the same people. It's a reasonably entertaining show. There's only been one egregiously bad episode. Unfortunately, it was their big, two-hour series premiere, wherein they apparently shot off most of their special effects budget. The incredibly cliched premise doesn't help. The actors deserve Emmys for getting out some of those lines in the first episode with a straight face. After that though, it's not bad. Tonight's episode was excellent.

Oh yeah, back to the new Battlestar Galactica. How sad is it that I'm going to comment on this episode without actually having watched it? Call it virtual reviewing. What's really hurting this show with me is that the old Battlestar Galactica is being rerun on the Retro Network. That show kicked ass! (Mostly.) Why didn't it run for four seasons? It's not fair! (Answer: Even by today's standards, the old show was very expensive to produce. ABC couldn't afford it.)

Okay, on with my pseudo-review. I think a comment on Aintitcool summed it up, "WTF is this! Am I watching the right show?" There were two highlights in this episode which was entitled, "Filler Episode." (Or should I say, "Yet Another Filler Episode." By the gods, have they been phoning it in this season.) In a flashback, a drunken Apollo fights a pigeon. I'm not sure if he wins. The other highlight was Baltar having a Ralphie moment, straight out of A Christmas Story. "Oh frakkkkkkkkk. Only I didn't say `Frak.'"

Predictions for The End next week. An Evangelion-like ending is starting to look all but assured. (I'm not going to try and summarize Neon Genesis Evangelion at this time.) It may at least be like the End of Evangelion movie, in that there'll be plenty of action around the scenes of incomprehensible psychological wanking. Let's hope there isn't an actual wanking scene like there was in Eva.

How does it all end? Adama looks up at the sky and shouts, "Noooooo!" as the camera begins a long, infinite pullback to the tune of the Head-Six (voices in the head) theme song. What leads up to that moment? I can't say.

J.

NASCAR Cup Series Off Week: Junior Fans Choose Hail of Gunfire to Attending Races.

2009-03-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

Dateline: Bristol, TN

With thousands dead, a new marketing promotion by NASCAR to increase race attendance has ended in disaster. This controversial program involved racetrack ticket agents along with various law enforcement officers attempting to force known race fans into purchasing tickets at gunpoint. It was hoped the program would bolster sagging ticket sales. Instead nearly all of such "sales calls" ended with an exchange on gunfire, resulting in the deaths of the "fan," the ticket agent, and even escorting police.

Investigation into these deadly incidents showed that the unwilling potential ticker buyer was inevitably a fan of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Earnhardt, the most popular driver in NASCAR, has unfortunately given his embittered fans little to cheer about over the last several years with his mediocre performance. Now, these hard-core NASCAR fans can hardly bear to watch on TV, much less in person.

"I’d rather die than watch Jr. lose again!" and so did Mr. Cletus Reddnecker, as the bullets pierced his body, as shown in shocking police footage of the incident. "It’s damn shame with these so-called fans," remarked police captain, Orville Wright. "What’s wrong with them," Wright shakes his head and waves at a pile of tapes, "They all died like this. All they had to do was support their driver by showing up."

"We badly misjudged our market," says NASCAR CEO, Brian France. Surviving fans in the market may have worse news. As a result of this failed marketing initiative, the Bristol area may no longer be able to support the race. France is apparently seriously looking at the F1 model of race scheduling, where popular, historic, well-attended races such Spa-Francochamps in Belgium and Circuit Gilles Villeneuve in Montreal, were replaced with well-paying (for F1 management) races in places like Shanghai and Bahrain. "We’ve gotten offers from Dubai and Seoul to move the whole freaking Bristol racetrack overseas. It’s a possibility," adds France.

In other news, NASCAR founder, "Big" Bill France is reportedly spinning in his grave.

J.

How would Robert E. Howard run a D&D game?

2009-03-11T17:57:00.001-07:00

For starters, there would not be hordes of orcs. Any group of savages of questionable ancestry would do. Yeah, REH would use 4e’s minion rules. But his main villains would memorable and his monsters, show stopping.

No elves, dwarves, and certainly no halflings, unless these creatures were some abhorrent, degraded version of humans. They’re probably cannibals too, into dark magic, and worshipping elder gods.

There would be dungeons. This is where your characters will end up in chains before they escape. It will not be some Gygaxian maze. Conan would get bored with such as drivel as searching for secret doors and checking for traps every teen feet with a pole. A freaking pole! He would have even less tolerance for figuring out some puzzle involving chess or musical notes or some other nonsense. No, there’d just be a horror show of nightmarish creatures sitting on a pile of gold. Tomb raiding, monster lairs, sorcerer’s towers, and lost temples would be the marching order of the day.

I think REH would be fair DM, perhaps even rooting for the players somewhat. The characters’ enemies would always be loathsome or inhuman or both. Death would be a grisly event, though. And there would be dark, mysterious, evil things, which if your character disturbed in an unthinking manner, Howard would kill you on the spot without remorse.

Don’t worry about allied NPC’s stealing the characters’ spotlight. That would never happen.

Would he want to play? Certainly. A social game like this with like-minded fantasy fans, he’d love it. I have this vision of Gygax gladly offering his big DM’s chair in the sky to let Howard run a game.

One more thing, every female NPC your characters meet will be wearing an outfit leaving little to the imagination or just outright topless.

J.

How would JRR Tolkien run a D&D game?

2009-03-11T17:56:00.001-07:00

Well first off, he wouldn’t. But for argument’s sake, let’s say his friend, C.S. Lewis, talks him into it. (Yes, the irony. The greatest modern Christian apologist sticking up for D&D, but I can I see that happening.) John Ronald Reuel reads over the rules quickly and finds them unnecessarily boorish in insignificant details. (Ahem.) He sees no reason to read over any of the published setting material or adventures, as he of course, already has something in mind.

There is a tense moment around the heavenly game table between Tolkien and Gygax, but Tolkien’s proper English manners and Gygax’s Midwestern upbringing come to the forefront, resulting in a mutual understanding. (C.S. Lewis is still there. He’s mediates between them and wants to get on with the game.)

Gygax reluctantly defers his DM’s chair and screen to Tolkien. He makes a snide aside to Dave Arneson, their own differences properly forgotten, as he makes a pulling motion, “Choo choo, here comes the railroad.” And indeed, it is a couple of days later (remember, it’s heaven, nobody has to stop for bathroom or snack breaks), before Tolkien finishes up the players’ introduction to his setting. He notices all of his players asleep, which is a bad sign, given that no one needs to sleep in heaven either.

Tolkien, immensely learned and intelligent fellow that he is, immediately declares a quick break and uses the time to read every D&D module and setting there ever was or will be. He finds them all terribly flawed and simplistic. He outright grimaces reading Dragonlance, and now understands what a “railroad” is. However, the charm of the readers/players actually being a part of the story and moving the plot forward by their own actions, rather than being passive observers, he finds irresistible.

Tolkien returns to the table. “Gentlemen, your characters are all political prisoners exiled to a penal colony across the ocean by a corrupt despot. Separated from friends, family, children, and spouses, you all burn for revenge. However, your prison ship comes to grief in a storm before reaching your destination. You and your compatriots are the only survivors, washed up upon a beach. You salvage a meager amount of gear from the wreck to outfit yourselves. You don’t know where in the world you are. Looking inland, you see a massive ancient city, seemingly deserted. Suddenly, you hear Orcish singing in the distance and coming closer. What do you do?”

Gygax smiles and readies his dice.

J.

(Note that this post has been modified from the original to reflect Dave Arneson's passing about a month after it was written.)

How would Joseph Conrad run a D&D game?

2009-03-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

Ah, this one I like. Conrad actually lived an African adventure before writing about it in Heart of Darkness. Of course, his “adventure” was one dominated by discomfort and illness (physical and mental). His fictional story had a lot more action, even though it’s known for being a psychological tale.

Heart of Darkness was filled with evocative, detailed settings, and filled with vivid inhabitants. This is definitely the hallmark of a good DM. I think he would relish the opportunity to take a group of players on an adventure, especially from the comfort of a living room.

I’ve been working on my own adaptation of Heart of Darkness as a D&D adventure, probably along the lines of a Paizonian Adventure Path. I’ve thrown in some Apocalypse Now, the Vietnam War version of the story. Just for fun, I’ve planned for the character party to be fighting supernatural creatures inspired by the anime classic, Ninja Scroll. Somehow this combination seems appropriate to me. Of course, I’ve added my own original weirdness. That was unavoidable. I hope it will be in fashion Conrad would have done it.

J.

How would HP Lovecraft run a D&D game?

2009-03-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

“Well, fellows that was certainly over quickly. Say, why don’t we try another type of game? I’ve got a Ouija board right here.”

Okay, I haven’t read enough Lovecraft to fake this. I suspect a game run by Lovecraft would not end well for the characters or the players.

“SAN check? Don’t bother rolling. It’s too late for that now. For all of you.”

J.

Atlanta Cup Race: Ass Backwards

2009-03-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

I had this post written out in my head well before the race actually finished.

"Kurt Busch lead most of it. Jeff Gordon got ahead of him for a while, then Kurt passed him and won. The end."

Big mistake on my part. The drama of the closing laps actually made up for lack thereof preceding it, even with the same end result. Kurt not only deserved to win by dominating most of the race, he earned it by passing Carl Edwards in Overdrive and fending off Jeff Gordon to the checkers. Tire strategies, past track history, and desire to win were all in Busch’s rear view mirror by the finish. And then he grabs the flag and puts the car in reverse for a backwards "Polish Victory Lap." How could you keep a straight face watching that? Good show.

My alternate title for this post was going to be: "Chicken, Bacon, Ranch." Thank you Dominos for your nigh genius decision to put this combination on a pizza. It was a little pricey, but they kill entire chicken for the toppings. Swear. You will not be cheated in ordering this delicacy. Next up on the menu, Dominos’ BBQ Chicken pizza. Mmmm.

My second alternate title was going to be: "Dueling Gophers." The premise of this cartoon, NASCAR vs. F1, was dead on, along with the song. Maybe I should give up blogging the race and focus on the food and "Little Digger."

"Boat race," "checking out," "F1-style," "cruise control," I admit my failure as a writer. I can’t keep coming up with new metaphors to describe the lack of excitement of watching somebody get out front and drive away from the field. Is this going to be a problem at every race this year? Here come the short tracks on the schedule, and our last hope for lengthy, on-track battles for the lead.

This race, the NASCAR competition director decided that Yates engines would be the ones experiencing failures. I think Ganassi/DEI is next up, but this process is determined randomly just to be fair.

Ever notice how Mike, Larry, and Daryl call the pit stops with the pit crews changing tires on the car, but never filling up with them up with gas? It’s always "Sunoco Race Fuel." If I were Goodyear, I’d be pissed. If I were a fan, which I am, I’d find this behavior obnoxious enough as is.

I made this comment a couple of years ago in a baseball post and feel compelled to mention it again. I’m sick of all of the malfunctioning d*ck commercials shown during the broadcast. I watch sports to take my mind off my thing for a few blessed hours. Give me some peace already.

Credit where credit is belatedly due. This year Fox has been getting back to the race BEFORE the restart, instead of joining it in progress coming back from commercial. This has been a big gripe of mine. I should noticed and said something earlier. Then again, this never should have been an issue. We’ll see if this trend continues at caution-heavy Bristol in two weeks. ("Plenty of good seats still available." Who could have ever imagined somebody saying that about NASCAR’s most popular track?)

How could I possibly comment on a NASCAR race without mentioning Jr.’s performance? God knows, he just doesn’t get anywhere near enough attention during the race. Is once every 15 minutes for a guy running at the back of the lead lap all day truly exhaustive coverage? I’ll give Fox a pass on this one only because they caught that, "If my wheel comes off again, I’m comin’ back an’ hittin’ the entire crew over the head with a hammer," remark.

Man-Award: Given to the manliest driver on track today, obviously Martin Truex, Jr. Even passing kidney stones over the weekend and a heart attack in his crew couldn’t keep this Jr. from a top ten finish.

J.

Why I hate big dungeons

2009-03-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

Frequent trips back to town to recover and off load goods.

Getting out the deeper you go in.

Mapping.

No real world equivalent.

Little to no logic in their layout, arbitrary at best. Most dungeons are Gygaxian (map fills and follows the page size). Form doesn’t follow function. They’re independent of one another in this case.

Frequent use of traps and unavoidable ambushes slows party progress to a crawl.

Pseudo-naturalism: Creatures living and lairing in the dungeon. Trying to make it a logical and natural environment when it isn’t.

Standardized raiding tactics: listen at door, kick it in, kill the monster, loot the room, check for secret doors.

Nonsensical magical trick rooms. Challenge the player, not the character, my rear end. Most of these are solely for the amusement of the DM.

Concept relies on heavily on novelty rather than creativity on the part of the DM, and on the players’ esoteric puzzle-solving skills and ability to master raiding tactics.

Inherently unnatural environment for all occupants and visitors compared to a cave system (closest analogue), which has actual natural and lairing/temporary inhabitants.

Impossible logistics for most inhabitant creatures, especially intelligent ones.

Little rationale for building such a massive underground structures. Just calling them ancient structures of a bygone era, built for unknowable purposes doesn’t cut it.

Too many encounters, too close together. Hard to believe everything in the immediate area doesn’t attack all at once.

Explaining the presence of unplundered treasure amidst large numbers of intelligent creatures.
Creatures sitting around waiting to be slaughtered ("Keep on the Borderlands," yes, it’s still essentially a dungeon.) or trapped to the rafters waiting for adventurers to stumble in ("Tomb of Horrors").

If it’s famous and there’s so many valuable goodies within, why isn’t there a military presence there guarding and looting it for government revenue?

Ecological disaster. It’s hard of imagine some of the powerful creatures in the depths not uniting the less powerful ones above into taking over the entire countryside outside the dungeon.

Why are the most powerful creatures at the bottom, if for any reason other than meta-gaming?

Improbable environment for large creatures, unless they can change size, have a large exit, or don’t require any physical upkeep.

NPC’s in the dungeon: Hard to flesh out characters in unnatural and lethal combative environment. The dungeon itself is an NPC that overshadows everything in it.

Why not play Warcraft or Diablo on the computer instead? Same thing. Don’t have to make up maps, buy expensive mini’s, or put up with idiot players or DM’s (if you play by yourself).

Alternately, why bother calling it a "role-playing" game. Just set up your dungeon tiles and figures and play it like a wargame.

You’ve seen one; you’ve seen them all.

J.

What I like about big dungeons

2009-03-07T15:56:00.000-08:00

Some of these points will directly contradict those I mention on my Hate list. It’s a love/hate relationship.

Virtually a free-fire zone, guilt-free looting.

Channels, directs, and focuses action, making it easier for DM’s and players to plot their moves.

Great possibilities for exciting chase scenes.

Plenty of available material, some of it even free.

"Stonehell" http://poleandrope.blogspot.com/
"Mad Arch-Mage" http://greyhawkgrognard.blogspot.com/
"Kobold Caves" http://oldguyrpg.blogspot.com/
"Dismal Depths" http://shamsgrog.blogspot.com/

Simplest environment for adventuring. It can even be made up at random.

Alien, unreal environment allows for weirdness, and inhuman creatures seem normal.

Changing the "default" adventure environment may involve changing the game. "Old School" seems virtually synonymous with dungeons. It’s in the name of the game.

Here’s one big dungeon I like--Maure Castle from Dungeon #112. While it’s Gygaxian in layout and filled with absurd tricks and traps, the dungeon’s main inhabitants make sense: a large, diverse group of raiders and cultists in an uneasy alliance.

Tramping through the woods is boring.

J.

The truth about the new Battlestar Galactica

2009-03-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

Number One: Why are there only 12 models and many copies? To save money on casting. One actor playing what is ostensibly several different parts.

Number Two: Cylons are gay. Really. That look like normal humans. They started out living in secret among the humans. They can't breed with one another. I'm sure there are other similarities. Seems like an obvious metaphor to me.

Number Three: Feel like there's something missing from the show since Season One? How about the steady erosion of likable characters? They've all become either disgusting and/or ridiculous. There's no one left to root for on this show. Whack 'em all. Not convinced. One word: Lumpkin. Case closed.

(One exception, Tom Zarek [Richard Hatch, the REAL Apollo]. This is only because he had Congress, err the Quorum, executed. Tell me you didn't cheer during that scene.)

Number Four: There was no plan. Just an unending series of ret-cons, hasty explanations, and a tale woven from whole cloth with the consistency of a block of Swiss cheese. Apparently, no one was more shocked that this show was actually produced than the producer himself, Ron Moore. The sin was not the absence of a plan, but the implication of one when there wasn't.

Number Five: The ending will disappoint everyone watching. (On a personal level, I hope I revise this one later.)

J.