Dateline: Bristol, TN
With thousands dead, a new marketing promotion by NASCAR to increase race attendance has ended in disaster. This controversial program involved racetrack ticket agents along with various law enforcement officers attempting to force known race fans into purchasing tickets at gunpoint. It was hoped the program would bolster sagging ticket sales. Instead nearly all of such "sales calls" ended with an exchange on gunfire, resulting in the deaths of the "fan," the ticket agent, and even escorting police.
Investigation into these deadly incidents showed that the unwilling potential ticker buyer was inevitably a fan of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Earnhardt, the most popular driver in NASCAR, has unfortunately given his embittered fans little to cheer about over the last several years with his mediocre performance. Now, these hard-core NASCAR fans can hardly bear to watch on TV, much less in person.
"I’d rather die than watch Jr. lose again!" and so did Mr. Cletus Reddnecker, as the bullets pierced his body, as shown in shocking police footage of the incident. "It’s damn shame with these so-called fans," remarked police captain, Orville Wright. "What’s wrong with them," Wright shakes his head and waves at a pile of tapes, "They all died like this. All they had to do was support their driver by showing up."
"We badly misjudged our market," says NASCAR CEO, Brian France. Surviving fans in the market may have worse news. As a result of this failed marketing initiative, the Bristol area may no longer be able to support the race. France is apparently seriously looking at the F1 model of race scheduling, where popular, historic, well-attended races such Spa-Francochamps in Belgium and Circuit Gilles Villeneuve in Montreal, were replaced with well-paying (for F1 management) races in places like Shanghai and Bahrain. "We’ve gotten offers from Dubai and Seoul to move the whole freaking Bristol racetrack overseas. It’s a possibility," adds France.
In other news, NASCAR founder, "Big" Bill France is reportedly spinning in his grave.
J.
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