GENERAL DESCRIPTION
Into the dark heart of the continent. There are no colonists here and the natives are not the group’s friends. All of the areas here are hostile or require intense negotiation. Stops include a trip to see the native god Satha, Hellion, and Kurtz’s Interior estate.
CHARACTER GOALS
Don’t get killed smarting off to the native god or the big dragon. There are allies to be made and powerful magic items to collect.
ENTER THE SNAKE
The natives are not “Friendlies.” If asked, the natives will say they are still enemies of the colonists, but there is a greater threat to them both. Their benefactor, Kurtz, has started using sub-humans and turning the natives into undead; troops he can control absolutely. Soon, there will be no need for the natives. The native god, Satha, has heard of the characters. He has summoned them to an audience, as their magic and power may help topple Kurtz.
The group is taken, assuming they’re willing, further up river by canoe. They are then given an hallucinogenic mixture (not an option if they want to continue) and lead overland to a location deep in the jungle. The characters come to their senses in front of a cave. If you’re a DM good at creating logic puzzles, this would be a great place for one. Otherwise, how about Shambling Mounds or some other such vegetal guardians? Something to test the characters’ worthiness before meeting with a “god.”
The party enters a large underground cavern. A tremendous hissing sound is audible. A 20’ tall armored wall spans the middle of the room. As the characters approach, a giant snake head rears up. His enormous tongue flicks out over the party to smell them. With a voice like thunder, the creature introduces himself as Satha, god of all. "You may all bow.”
Anyone not bowing, will get swallowed and quickly spit out, before being allowed to try bowing again. (Don’t give Satha any stats. If it has stats, it can be killed.) Satha has severe delusions of grandeur, but he’s pretty darn grand as is. He is sane enough to realize that he needs the characters to take out Kurtz. Hopefully the characters will realize Satha’s tips could be quite helpful in their quest.
While he is certainly against the colonials, Satha has his own plans for running them out. Kurtz is fighting the colonials as well and has seduced many of the natives to his cause. But what he is really doing is trying to destroy both sides so that he can rule. “His actions will destroy my people, grinding them to powder against you. He surrounds himself with monsters, sub-human creatures, and demons. He is no friend of my people.” Satha insists that “the devil must kill the devil.” He will have them lead to the place where they can acquire an ally and then to the Forbidden City, where Kurtz is. The characters will then be dismissed.
At best, the players will come out of this having just gotten a lecture and their marching orders. At worst, they will have made a powerful enemy. I’ll stick with the best case here. A very old Treant, one of the guardians of the area, will be the group’s guide. He carries with him a variety of native food and healing mixtures if needed, but doesn’t fight.
ENTER THE DRAGON
The Treant brings the group up into the mountains. The party will be told not to bother mapping, as there is an enchantment, which hides their destination. In a secluded, hidden valley, is a glittering white field of bones. This is the Boneyard, the secret graveyard of the dragons. The characters will be warned not to take any of the bones, as it will invoke the wrath of the guardian dragon, Hellion. They are also advised that they have been brought here to gain an ally, not slay a dragon. Trent waits for them outside.
The dragon sleeps in a raised open temple with an excellent view of the whole valley. He will appear to be sleeping until the characters come near. He will say he remembers them without actually opening his eyes. If the characters insist on fighting the dragon, he’s a large, ancient red. Otherwise, he’s quite amused by the company and wants to know how they got there and why. (The players may be wondering about this as well.) The characters need only mention being sent by Satha for help against Kurtz, and he will understand.
Hellion will give a highly biased version of his backstory with Kurtz (as laid out in the Dark Continent Background section). He will mention the Forbidden City, Kurtz’s seat of power. Kurtz lives on an island in the river running next to the city. It is surrounded by a lethal red mist. If it were dispersed, or an opening made, he could enter and “discuss” his differences with Kurtz. He will be keeping an eye on the area, waiting for an opportunity.
Hellion looks the group over and shakes his head. He is doubtful of the group’s success. Offhandedly, he mentions he is leaving for next 24 hours. Guarding the bones is his sacred duty, but he needs a day off every so often. He would hunt down anyone stealing his bones (such as Kurtz), though there are other items that he guards, that he’s not so sentimental about. With that, he gets up, revealing a capstone in the floor, which he casually pops open, and then he takes off.
Underneath that capstone is an old crypt, a burial ground of heroes and kings. It is terribly haunted of course. Various sorts of powerful corporeal and incorporeal undead should react badly to being disturbed. The rewards however are the powerful magic armor, weapons, and items that these personages were buried with. This should be a harrowing encounter though. “Smash, grab, and run” should the characters’ tactics.
If the players are sick of being lead around by the nose, they need not worry further. When they exit, they find Treant is dead and apparently tortured before that. The telltale signs of the 13 should be in evidence. More pressingly, the group is lost in uncharted jungle. They won’t be able to find their way back into the valley. (Kurtz found his way past this magical baffling, thanks to his high-level magical powers.) At some point in wandering (DM’s discretion), they should eventually come across a native village. Assuming they’re going to be asking for help, the natives will do so and take them to the nearest colonial village. Of course, these natives are in the thrall of Kurtz. They will lead the characters right into a trap and disappear after they’ve done so.
KURTZ’S STATION
The settlement where the characters have been lead to is Kurtz’s old Interior station. There is a small keep with a mill next to the river with a sign that labels Kurtz as the stationmaster. Other than some meager supplies, the keep only contains a scrawled message across its inside walls, “Exterminate all the brutes!” There is an overly large cemetery of fresh, upturned graves next to the station. Beyond that is untended fields of crops. On a bluff overlooking everything is a magnificent mansion. Significantly noticeable, there are no birds or other wildlife visible or even sounds of them in the area.
The fields are the domain of one of the 13, the Insect Master. Entering the fields, the group will be attacked by scarecrows and crop warriors (plant golems). Further in are hives of giant locusts, giant wasps, and giant ants, which all attack in swarms. The only way to keep from getting overwhelmed is to kill the master. He’ll be elusive, but will fight to the death here.
ELYSIUM
Kurtz’s Interior estate for his Intended was meant to be a paradise. Elysium is even the name on the gates. There are any number of artistic flourishes and little Cupid statues and such adorning the building. The phrase, “For my Intended” is inscribed on every brick and stone. Paintings and sculptures of her are everywhere inside.
One of the 13 guards this palace, the Undead Master. Advanced, powerful, regenerating, and fast (hastened) zombie creatures roam the grounds and rooms. They are relentless hunters with a keen telepathic sense guiding them and coordinating their packs. Supernatural darkness fills the interiors. The master himself hides inside the estate, directing his minions. When confronted, he wields an energy-draining sword and fights to the death (or undeath in his case). His demise deactivates the zombies and lifts the darkness.
There are any number of riches, supplies, and equipment likely to be had here, but the most important item is in the study. There, among the many books and loose notes is a large map on the wall showing the route to the Forbidden City.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
DARK CONTINENT: THE FORBIDDEN CITY
GENERAL DESCRIPTION
The party will be able to get a good look at their final destination before reaching it. A rough semi-circle of a walled city hugs the river shore. An island, surrounded by a red mist, sits just off the city in the middle of the river, connected by a bridge. The ancient city is massive, but in jungle-covered ruin. A few large buildings can be seen within. The city walls have fallen down in several places and are unguarded. Land entry will be unopposed. Airborne entry will attract the attention of the Thunderbird, described below.
Large, hungry-looking aquatic dinosaur-era creatures patrol this river. The group should be given a good look at them before trying any waterborne assault on the island, which they should conclude, is their final destination. The creatures should also attack anything lingering on shore too long.
CHARACTER GOALS
This is the remaining 13’s last stand. Distribute the remaining 13 amongst these four areas: the Museum, the Opera House, the Prison, and the Cathedral. Here they all fight to the death. The characters’ near suicidal motivation for fighting these creatures on their home turf are the keys that the 13 hold, which will allow the characters to get to the island and at Kurtz. Some of the keys are held and some are protected in the buildings. The group needs all four keys to open the gate on the bridge to the island.
HEMISPHERE
This is long lost proper name of the city. I’m using Paris as a model, though with extensive changes. Jungle has covered much of the city, with orchids growing everywhere. Except for the largest and sturdiest of structures, the rest is in ruins.
THE GRAND AVENUE
A single, broad street goes down the center of the city and is the only easily navigable path. It is also extensively watched by the city’s inhuman inhabitants. Each of the main sites of the city exists along either side of the road. (Obviously not like the real Champs Elysees in Paris.) The street terminates in a massive fallen arch and a nearly collapsed bridge leading to the island.
THE TOWER
This feature sits in the center of the city, in the middle of the Grand Avenue. It can be seen from anywhere inside the city (unlike the real Eiffel Tower). Unfortunately, what lives up there can do likewise and it has a good set of eyes. This is the nest of the Thunderbird, a very large man-eating avian. The group should get a glimpse of the creature feeding on pedestrians beforehand as a warning not to stray out in the open too long. Flying objects immediately attract its attention.
The Tower stands 1,063 ft high, about 81 building levels, as per Wikipedia. It is also encrusted in massive chunks of bird crap, which get thicker and fresher, the higher you go. A colony of giant beetles exists just off this fodder. There are three main levels, connected by a series of open stairs with step count on the side of the stairs. Narrow gangways cross the width with very impressive and relatively unobstructed downward views (in other words, big drops). A winding spiral stairwell comes to the top third level. Here is the Thunderbird’s nest, which is filled with human bones and shiny items like gold, gems, jewels, and even magic items.
THE SEWERS
"Sire," said the Minister of the Interior to Napoleon, "yesterday I saw
the most intrepid man in your Empire."
"What man is that?" said the Emperor brusquely, "and what has he done?"
"He wants to do something, Sire."
"What is it?"
"To visit the sewers of Paris."
Find Les Miserables by Victor Hugo online and start reading at Volume V/Book 2. The Intestine of the Leviathan/Chapter I. The Land Impoverished by the Sea. From there and into Book 3, you’ll find out everything you ever wanted to know about the sewers of Paris. I cower in embarrassment at my own feeble attempts to put this into an RPG adventure.
This isn’t exactly the safest way to get around Hemisphere, but it is an option. The sewer even has direct connections to the other major areas, allowing for some surprise entries by the characters. There should be a one large open crater on the Avenue that also provides direct access to it. Otherwise, there should be several other less conspicuous opportunities to gain entrance.
All the lines follow the streets above. There are signs at the intersections. The sewers are navigable by rafts and small boats, which are found in various states throughout the underground. Tributaries feed into to the large trunk sewer line, the Grand Sewer, which has walkways on either side. The trunk feeds into an enormous shaft 280 ft deep and into the river. Different sections of the sewer come from different ages and can vary remarkably in appearance. There are markings and even warnings everywhere from other expeditions. Lost treasures, jewels, and even a crown can be found here. Disturbing skeletons of animals, perhaps escaped from the zoo or elsewhere, also litter the sewers.
This isn’t a pleasant place, even beyond the garbage. There are explosive methane gas pockets, sinkholes, quicksand, mudslides, and flash floods of mud and garbage that can actually burst the tunnels. Massive fungus and mushroom growths populate the underground. Some of them are hazardous. The garbage heaps by the drains are filled with swarms of rats, giant rats, and even giant cockroaches. Crocodiles patrol the waterways. Giant spiders have spun traps down some of the tunnels. And be careful, the main sewer river outlet is a nesting ground for the river creatures.
The most intelligent creatures in the sewers are the Lizard Men. These creatures are the degenerate inbred cousins of the Serpent Men, who live on the island. The groups will have nothing to do with each other. The Lizard Men aren’t smart and are fearful of any surface dwellers, but are not automatically hostile if approached correctly. Treated and rewarded well (food) and they can be enticed to act as guides through the sewers. They also have a little information about the island. As an enemy, they can be deadly, as this is their home and they know it well.
THE MUSEUM
Reference the Louvre, which I’ve never gotten a good look at, so I’m going to be vague. There is an empty reflecting pool in front. The building has three wings with a pyramid structure at its hub. Different sections of the museum are dedicated to different foreign cultures and antiquities. Of course, anything that could easily be hauled away, has been. What’s left is what’s too heavy to move and things that have been lost, or are hidden, or are dangerous. It is an empty, desolate place.
This is a lair of the 13. The members that are here will be very dangerous and have a definite home field advantage. Other dangers include numerous sculptures that are actually golems, piles of dust that form into Sandmen, and even animated dinosaur skeletons. The key is kept in a painting. It is the only remaining painting in the hall, so it’s pretty conspicuous. The key is in the clutches of a monster (DM’s choice). The inscription reads, “Speak the name of the Master and enter.” The name is, of course, Kurtz. This instantly transports the speaker into the painting and into battle. Either the monster is defeated and character is transported out with the key, or the character is defeated and their body is transported out. Only one person can go in at a time.
THE PRISON
Essentially the Bastille. Entry is made via a drawbridge. The building is made up of eight close-packed towers, around 24 m (80 ft) high. Six of the towers form the outer courtyard and are filled with prison cells. The other two towers have a separate drawbridge and courtyard and are there for the jailers and the armory. Beneath the inner courtyard is the dungeon, which features the worst conditions in the prison, filled with slime, ooze, and vermin.
This is a lair of the 13. One of the four keys is worn on whoever is the Chief Jailer. The prison is filled with Orcs and Goblins. Think Tucker’s Kobolds. They have trapped this place to the hilt, but are numerous enough to make Banzai charges as well. The Jailer will move around to keep the traps and minions in between himself and the characters.
THE CATHEDRAL
Essentially Notre Dame, a giant Gothic cathedral. It has been extensively desecrated with graffiti and alterations to honor Kurtz. This is the home of one of Kurtz’s newest experiments: the laughing men, who are basically hyena men (Gnolls). If this helps to set the scene, they’ve all painted their faces up like clowns and are continually laughing hysterically. Think of the Joker. They’re not very intelligent, but are cunning on their home turf. Their leader is a hunchback called Hunch, who lives in the big bell tower.
This is a lair of the 13. There is a key around the neck of whoever is the Head Priest. It doesn’t look like a gate key, but is actually the key to the bell tower. The gate key is in the big bell. Hunch will sneak attack whoever goes in after it by ringing the bell. He is immune to the sonic effects, but the characters won’t be. Also of note here (I should die for that pun), is the gigantic house organ, which also functions as a sonic weapon. And what would a Gothic cathedral be without vicious Gargoyles all along the outside of the building?
THE OPERA HOUSE
From Wikipedia: In 1896, one of the counter-weights for the grand chandelier fell, killing one. This, as well as the underground lake, cellars and other elements of the Opera House, inspired Gaston Leroux in 1909 to write his classic Gothic novel, The Phantom of the Opera.
In keeping with the theme, this place has many phantoms, incorporeal undead. Fortunately for the characters, they are the ghosts of theater people. That is to say, they are very self-involved and only interested in each other’s affairs. There are a couple of belligerent ones, but unless interrupted or provoked, they will ignore the characters. Unfortunately, some will insist that the characters help them finish a scene, rehearse, or do an improv. (DM’s, you’ll know you’re playing this out correctly if the players say in exasperation, “Screw this! I draw my sword!”)
Members of the 13 here are all dressed alike, as the Phantom. Their goal is constant harassment and subterfuge. They will activate trap doors, snipe from the viewing boxes, and drop chandeliers. They have full knowledge of the building, all the hidden staircases, secret passages, and the 200 dressing rooms and instrument closets. The chase should go through the several sublevels of the opera house which house the cellars for food and barrels of wine, as well as the scenery, props, and wardrobe.
The finale leads to the underground lake with a jetty and a boat on the shore, and a small island with a home on it. The key is inside the house. It sits by itself in the middle of a room, and of course is some sort of fiendish trap.
THE GATE
There is a large, crumbling bridge that leads to the red misted island in the river. It is at the end of the Grand Avenue, just beyond the fallen arch monument. At the end of the bridge, is a large magic gate with slots for four keys. Basically, nothing can damage the gate. With all four keys in, it opens, but not for anything else (at least from the outside).
The red mist that surrounds the island is not immediately lethal, but will kill anything entering it within three rounds, regardless of any precautions. Flying and swimming will meet with same result and attract the attention of the Thunderbird or the “Loch Ness Monsters” in the river. Teleportation and such will not work. I suppose you could burrow down from the riverbank, go underneath the river, and then dig up to the island. This kind of “chunnel” project will require massive public works funds and intensive Congressional lobbying. Give the players some credit for trying though.
The players may well try the gates before going through any of the other city encounters. A taunting, clue-dropping attack by one of the 13 will probably be in order. After the gates are opened, Hellion and Satha will both be aware of it. A blast of dragonfire from up in the clouds will knockdown the gates, permanently fixing the opening. (Once open, the gates lose their protective enchantment.) Hellion will be waiting on the characters to soften things up, before he enters. Satha is too much of a coward to directly enter the fight. However, at the DM’s discretion, he may teleport a troop of fanatical native warriors in to assist the characters.
The party will be able to get a good look at their final destination before reaching it. A rough semi-circle of a walled city hugs the river shore. An island, surrounded by a red mist, sits just off the city in the middle of the river, connected by a bridge. The ancient city is massive, but in jungle-covered ruin. A few large buildings can be seen within. The city walls have fallen down in several places and are unguarded. Land entry will be unopposed. Airborne entry will attract the attention of the Thunderbird, described below.
Large, hungry-looking aquatic dinosaur-era creatures patrol this river. The group should be given a good look at them before trying any waterborne assault on the island, which they should conclude, is their final destination. The creatures should also attack anything lingering on shore too long.
CHARACTER GOALS
This is the remaining 13’s last stand. Distribute the remaining 13 amongst these four areas: the Museum, the Opera House, the Prison, and the Cathedral. Here they all fight to the death. The characters’ near suicidal motivation for fighting these creatures on their home turf are the keys that the 13 hold, which will allow the characters to get to the island and at Kurtz. Some of the keys are held and some are protected in the buildings. The group needs all four keys to open the gate on the bridge to the island.
HEMISPHERE
This is long lost proper name of the city. I’m using Paris as a model, though with extensive changes. Jungle has covered much of the city, with orchids growing everywhere. Except for the largest and sturdiest of structures, the rest is in ruins.
THE GRAND AVENUE
A single, broad street goes down the center of the city and is the only easily navigable path. It is also extensively watched by the city’s inhuman inhabitants. Each of the main sites of the city exists along either side of the road. (Obviously not like the real Champs Elysees in Paris.) The street terminates in a massive fallen arch and a nearly collapsed bridge leading to the island.
THE TOWER
This feature sits in the center of the city, in the middle of the Grand Avenue. It can be seen from anywhere inside the city (unlike the real Eiffel Tower). Unfortunately, what lives up there can do likewise and it has a good set of eyes. This is the nest of the Thunderbird, a very large man-eating avian. The group should get a glimpse of the creature feeding on pedestrians beforehand as a warning not to stray out in the open too long. Flying objects immediately attract its attention.
The Tower stands 1,063 ft high, about 81 building levels, as per Wikipedia. It is also encrusted in massive chunks of bird crap, which get thicker and fresher, the higher you go. A colony of giant beetles exists just off this fodder. There are three main levels, connected by a series of open stairs with step count on the side of the stairs. Narrow gangways cross the width with very impressive and relatively unobstructed downward views (in other words, big drops). A winding spiral stairwell comes to the top third level. Here is the Thunderbird’s nest, which is filled with human bones and shiny items like gold, gems, jewels, and even magic items.
THE SEWERS
"Sire," said the Minister of the Interior to Napoleon, "yesterday I saw
the most intrepid man in your Empire."
"What man is that?" said the Emperor brusquely, "and what has he done?"
"He wants to do something, Sire."
"What is it?"
"To visit the sewers of Paris."
Find Les Miserables by Victor Hugo online and start reading at Volume V/Book 2. The Intestine of the Leviathan/Chapter I. The Land Impoverished by the Sea. From there and into Book 3, you’ll find out everything you ever wanted to know about the sewers of Paris. I cower in embarrassment at my own feeble attempts to put this into an RPG adventure.
This isn’t exactly the safest way to get around Hemisphere, but it is an option. The sewer even has direct connections to the other major areas, allowing for some surprise entries by the characters. There should be a one large open crater on the Avenue that also provides direct access to it. Otherwise, there should be several other less conspicuous opportunities to gain entrance.
All the lines follow the streets above. There are signs at the intersections. The sewers are navigable by rafts and small boats, which are found in various states throughout the underground. Tributaries feed into to the large trunk sewer line, the Grand Sewer, which has walkways on either side. The trunk feeds into an enormous shaft 280 ft deep and into the river. Different sections of the sewer come from different ages and can vary remarkably in appearance. There are markings and even warnings everywhere from other expeditions. Lost treasures, jewels, and even a crown can be found here. Disturbing skeletons of animals, perhaps escaped from the zoo or elsewhere, also litter the sewers.
This isn’t a pleasant place, even beyond the garbage. There are explosive methane gas pockets, sinkholes, quicksand, mudslides, and flash floods of mud and garbage that can actually burst the tunnels. Massive fungus and mushroom growths populate the underground. Some of them are hazardous. The garbage heaps by the drains are filled with swarms of rats, giant rats, and even giant cockroaches. Crocodiles patrol the waterways. Giant spiders have spun traps down some of the tunnels. And be careful, the main sewer river outlet is a nesting ground for the river creatures.
The most intelligent creatures in the sewers are the Lizard Men. These creatures are the degenerate inbred cousins of the Serpent Men, who live on the island. The groups will have nothing to do with each other. The Lizard Men aren’t smart and are fearful of any surface dwellers, but are not automatically hostile if approached correctly. Treated and rewarded well (food) and they can be enticed to act as guides through the sewers. They also have a little information about the island. As an enemy, they can be deadly, as this is their home and they know it well.
THE MUSEUM
Reference the Louvre, which I’ve never gotten a good look at, so I’m going to be vague. There is an empty reflecting pool in front. The building has three wings with a pyramid structure at its hub. Different sections of the museum are dedicated to different foreign cultures and antiquities. Of course, anything that could easily be hauled away, has been. What’s left is what’s too heavy to move and things that have been lost, or are hidden, or are dangerous. It is an empty, desolate place.
This is a lair of the 13. The members that are here will be very dangerous and have a definite home field advantage. Other dangers include numerous sculptures that are actually golems, piles of dust that form into Sandmen, and even animated dinosaur skeletons. The key is kept in a painting. It is the only remaining painting in the hall, so it’s pretty conspicuous. The key is in the clutches of a monster (DM’s choice). The inscription reads, “Speak the name of the Master and enter.” The name is, of course, Kurtz. This instantly transports the speaker into the painting and into battle. Either the monster is defeated and character is transported out with the key, or the character is defeated and their body is transported out. Only one person can go in at a time.
THE PRISON
Essentially the Bastille. Entry is made via a drawbridge. The building is made up of eight close-packed towers, around 24 m (80 ft) high. Six of the towers form the outer courtyard and are filled with prison cells. The other two towers have a separate drawbridge and courtyard and are there for the jailers and the armory. Beneath the inner courtyard is the dungeon, which features the worst conditions in the prison, filled with slime, ooze, and vermin.
This is a lair of the 13. One of the four keys is worn on whoever is the Chief Jailer. The prison is filled with Orcs and Goblins. Think Tucker’s Kobolds. They have trapped this place to the hilt, but are numerous enough to make Banzai charges as well. The Jailer will move around to keep the traps and minions in between himself and the characters.
THE CATHEDRAL
Essentially Notre Dame, a giant Gothic cathedral. It has been extensively desecrated with graffiti and alterations to honor Kurtz. This is the home of one of Kurtz’s newest experiments: the laughing men, who are basically hyena men (Gnolls). If this helps to set the scene, they’ve all painted their faces up like clowns and are continually laughing hysterically. Think of the Joker. They’re not very intelligent, but are cunning on their home turf. Their leader is a hunchback called Hunch, who lives in the big bell tower.
This is a lair of the 13. There is a key around the neck of whoever is the Head Priest. It doesn’t look like a gate key, but is actually the key to the bell tower. The gate key is in the big bell. Hunch will sneak attack whoever goes in after it by ringing the bell. He is immune to the sonic effects, but the characters won’t be. Also of note here (I should die for that pun), is the gigantic house organ, which also functions as a sonic weapon. And what would a Gothic cathedral be without vicious Gargoyles all along the outside of the building?
THE OPERA HOUSE
From Wikipedia: In 1896, one of the counter-weights for the grand chandelier fell, killing one. This, as well as the underground lake, cellars and other elements of the Opera House, inspired Gaston Leroux in 1909 to write his classic Gothic novel, The Phantom of the Opera.
In keeping with the theme, this place has many phantoms, incorporeal undead. Fortunately for the characters, they are the ghosts of theater people. That is to say, they are very self-involved and only interested in each other’s affairs. There are a couple of belligerent ones, but unless interrupted or provoked, they will ignore the characters. Unfortunately, some will insist that the characters help them finish a scene, rehearse, or do an improv. (DM’s, you’ll know you’re playing this out correctly if the players say in exasperation, “Screw this! I draw my sword!”)
Members of the 13 here are all dressed alike, as the Phantom. Their goal is constant harassment and subterfuge. They will activate trap doors, snipe from the viewing boxes, and drop chandeliers. They have full knowledge of the building, all the hidden staircases, secret passages, and the 200 dressing rooms and instrument closets. The chase should go through the several sublevels of the opera house which house the cellars for food and barrels of wine, as well as the scenery, props, and wardrobe.
The finale leads to the underground lake with a jetty and a boat on the shore, and a small island with a home on it. The key is inside the house. It sits by itself in the middle of a room, and of course is some sort of fiendish trap.
THE GATE
There is a large, crumbling bridge that leads to the red misted island in the river. It is at the end of the Grand Avenue, just beyond the fallen arch monument. At the end of the bridge, is a large magic gate with slots for four keys. Basically, nothing can damage the gate. With all four keys in, it opens, but not for anything else (at least from the outside).
The red mist that surrounds the island is not immediately lethal, but will kill anything entering it within three rounds, regardless of any precautions. Flying and swimming will meet with same result and attract the attention of the Thunderbird or the “Loch Ness Monsters” in the river. Teleportation and such will not work. I suppose you could burrow down from the riverbank, go underneath the river, and then dig up to the island. This kind of “chunnel” project will require massive public works funds and intensive Congressional lobbying. Give the players some credit for trying though.
The players may well try the gates before going through any of the other city encounters. A taunting, clue-dropping attack by one of the 13 will probably be in order. After the gates are opened, Hellion and Satha will both be aware of it. A blast of dragonfire from up in the clouds will knockdown the gates, permanently fixing the opening. (Once open, the gates lose their protective enchantment.) Hellion will be waiting on the characters to soften things up, before he enters. Satha is too much of a coward to directly enter the fight. However, at the DM’s discretion, he may teleport a troop of fanatical native warriors in to assist the characters.
DARK CONTINENT: THE INFINITE TEMPLE
GENERAL DESCRIPTION
Entering past the gate and the red mist, the raised temple will be clearly visible, as it dominates the island. The model for this is roughly Angkor Wat in Cambodia. The rectangular temple complex consists of an outer wall, a large moat, an inner wall, an enclosed forest, the sanctuary, and the central the five-towered temple with its own inner moat. The sanctuary and temple are on terraced ground, commanding the landscape.
CHARACTER GOALS
If the players aren’t motivated to storm the island and confront Kurtz after everything they’ve been through to this point, I don’t know how they got this far.
THE OUTER TEMPLE GROUNDS
The outer earthen wall is not defensive, but simply keeps in the moat. There is an open sandstone causeway that crosses the moat. This leads to another open entrance in the inner retaining wall, and then a straight path into the forest and to the sanctuary.
The causeway and the road are lined with the hanging bodies of natives killed in a ritualistic manner. They are strung from ropes held up by poles, like macabre telephone lines. All of the trees in the forest have several bodies hanging from them. The smell of rotting flesh is nearly overwhelming. The dead here are being “ripened” for an undead army. A few here and there will have fallen to the ground and will rise to attack trespassers.
There are groups of harmless herd animals roaming the inner forest. They are kept there as a food supply for a megaraptor. A flock of pterodactyls that lives in the sanctuary towers hunts around the island as well.
There is one standalone building off by the side of the road. The large, heavy wooden doors are unlocked and entry is unopposed. It is obviously a library. There are rows of bookshelves with large numbers of scrolls stacked on the shelves. A search through the building will find the campsite of Kurtz’s expedition and yield supplies, healing potions, and other gear. If some of the scrolls are searched and can be deciphered, many magic spells are there to be had. By and large, these should be lower level spells. The more complex ones would require extended study.
THE SANCTUARY
Bas-reliefs cover the outside of the walls, celebrating the Serpent Men culture. The inner walls of the of the temple are galleries. They are filled with bodies of sleeping Serpent Men. Yes, the temple is a big Sleestack hibernation chamber. They can’t be woken up without a blood ritual, so the characters are okay there. However, several of them are awake and stalking them. They have thief-like stealth and flanking attacks, and are potent spell casters with high AC (skin and agility). Their goal is to ambush and slow down the party. They use the sleeping bodies to attempt to appear more numerous.
THE TEMPLE
Surrounding the five towers is an inner moat. There is a very steep stairway that leads between two giant stone Serpent Men statues which guard the open entrance. Also guarding it is the Fool. This man appears to be a colonist. He claims to have sought out Kurtz to worship him and document his triumph. Perhaps he is. Perhaps he’s a manifestation of a dark elder god. In any case, the Fool’s main purpose is to be annoying. He will follow the characters around and drone on endlessly about how great Kurtz is and his epic plans for the future. If he’s killed, unfortunately he resurrects in short order. Encourage the players to be creative in dealing with him.
The open towers are over 100 ft. tall, with the center one being the tallest. There are four small courtyards filled with water inbetween the towers. The surrounding towers each have another massive Serpent Man statue inside, more hibernating Serpent Men, and more Serpent Men ambushes. The pterodactyl nests won’t be a problem, unless the characters go outside.
KURTZ AND THE FINAL BATTLE
The central tower contains Kurtz and a group of Serpent Men conducting a ceremony. They knew the characters were coming. The attacks in the temple were just to slow them down enough to allow them to finish the ritual. They are standing around a sea (a big bowl) of blood. There is an enormous pit before them with no apparent bottom. The purpose of the ceremony is to summon the Serpent Men’s Master and awaken the rest of the tribe. The group arrives just in time to see the Master come out of the pit. If the ceremony is allowed to continue, more Serpent Men will be awakened.
So who is the mysterious Kurtz? He’s a high level wizard with an appropriate amount of magic items. I’ll list a few possibilities for the final encounter, just to keep the ending unpredictable. If Kurtz is killed during the encounter, his last words must be, “The horror! The horror!”
**Kurtz is dead and stuffed. He is just a powerful zombie-like creature.
**Kurtz is a heavily conditioned cipher of the Serpent Men and only acts at their orders. Mentioning his Intended and showing him the wedding ring, will disrupt their hold on him.
**Kurtz is the leader of the Serpent Men and has nearly turned into one of them. Mentioning his Intended drives Kurtz totally insane, lashing out at everybody.
**Kurtz body-swaps minds with the Fool. Imagine the surprise.
**Kurtz has been collaborating with the Serpent Men, biding his time and hoping to escape. He allies himself with the group against them.
**There’s more than one Kurtz at the temple thanks to a clone spell. The real one has one motive. The fake one has another.
To really spice things up, have the Intended there. She has been captured and has been brought to the temple to be sacrificed. Perhaps her sacrifice is Kurtz’s final initiation test. Perhaps he’s brought her there to either join him or die. This could add an additional emotional element to the battle, or it could add an unnecessary complication. Your call.
Who is the Serpent Men’s Master? I was thinking of a giant shell dragon, but any giant monster will do, as long as it has stats. The ceremony in progress won’t bring the Serpent Men out of hibernation, but will bring the Master.
If things start to get bad for the characters, remind them that they are there to get Kurtz. If things get really bad (or the characters succeed in grabbing Kurtz), Arc Light! Call in the airstrike! Hellion rips the top off the temple and lets loose with a blast of dragonfire. Give the players Hellion’s stats and let the giant monster rumble begin.
The inevitable conclusion of the fight will be death throes of the loser dragging the winner into the pit. Assume the temple goes down at this point and takes the Master, the Serpent men, and Hellion with it. The temple moat waters fill it in. A short time later, the island shudders and then the entire sanctuary collapses into a pit. The retaining walls crack and the moat starts to flood the forest, forming a lake. Hopefully, the characters will be watching the destruction from a safe distance.
CONCLUSION
Assuming the characters are victorious, they will be delivering Kurtz or Kurtz’s head back to civilization. They will not be molested by any natives on the way back, other than a message from Satha. Perhaps congratulations and an offer of permanent alliance, or perhaps a taunt and a challenge. The rebellion is over for the moment in any case.
The group will be credited with ending the war and hailed as heroes by the colonists. They need not worry about bounty hunters. They will have a full honors military escort back to Home Station. Kurtz or what’s left of his body will also be honored, with no one knowing his actual role in these affairs. The governor will invite the group to dinner at the palace and draw out their apportioned fiefs on a map.
The final sad or happy duty for the group will be meeting with the Intended (assuming she wasn’t at the temple). If there is a happy reunion, Kurtz will thank the characters and pledge to leave this Dark Continent behind. Otherwise, she will ask about Kurtz’s final fate and his last words.
“His last word--to live with,” she murmured. “Don't you understand I
loved him--I loved him--I loved him!”
I pulled myself together and spoke slowly. “The last word he pronounced was--your name.”
The End
Entering past the gate and the red mist, the raised temple will be clearly visible, as it dominates the island. The model for this is roughly Angkor Wat in Cambodia. The rectangular temple complex consists of an outer wall, a large moat, an inner wall, an enclosed forest, the sanctuary, and the central the five-towered temple with its own inner moat. The sanctuary and temple are on terraced ground, commanding the landscape.
CHARACTER GOALS
If the players aren’t motivated to storm the island and confront Kurtz after everything they’ve been through to this point, I don’t know how they got this far.
THE OUTER TEMPLE GROUNDS
The outer earthen wall is not defensive, but simply keeps in the moat. There is an open sandstone causeway that crosses the moat. This leads to another open entrance in the inner retaining wall, and then a straight path into the forest and to the sanctuary.
The causeway and the road are lined with the hanging bodies of natives killed in a ritualistic manner. They are strung from ropes held up by poles, like macabre telephone lines. All of the trees in the forest have several bodies hanging from them. The smell of rotting flesh is nearly overwhelming. The dead here are being “ripened” for an undead army. A few here and there will have fallen to the ground and will rise to attack trespassers.
There are groups of harmless herd animals roaming the inner forest. They are kept there as a food supply for a megaraptor. A flock of pterodactyls that lives in the sanctuary towers hunts around the island as well.
There is one standalone building off by the side of the road. The large, heavy wooden doors are unlocked and entry is unopposed. It is obviously a library. There are rows of bookshelves with large numbers of scrolls stacked on the shelves. A search through the building will find the campsite of Kurtz’s expedition and yield supplies, healing potions, and other gear. If some of the scrolls are searched and can be deciphered, many magic spells are there to be had. By and large, these should be lower level spells. The more complex ones would require extended study.
THE SANCTUARY
Bas-reliefs cover the outside of the walls, celebrating the Serpent Men culture. The inner walls of the of the temple are galleries. They are filled with bodies of sleeping Serpent Men. Yes, the temple is a big Sleestack hibernation chamber. They can’t be woken up without a blood ritual, so the characters are okay there. However, several of them are awake and stalking them. They have thief-like stealth and flanking attacks, and are potent spell casters with high AC (skin and agility). Their goal is to ambush and slow down the party. They use the sleeping bodies to attempt to appear more numerous.
THE TEMPLE
Surrounding the five towers is an inner moat. There is a very steep stairway that leads between two giant stone Serpent Men statues which guard the open entrance. Also guarding it is the Fool. This man appears to be a colonist. He claims to have sought out Kurtz to worship him and document his triumph. Perhaps he is. Perhaps he’s a manifestation of a dark elder god. In any case, the Fool’s main purpose is to be annoying. He will follow the characters around and drone on endlessly about how great Kurtz is and his epic plans for the future. If he’s killed, unfortunately he resurrects in short order. Encourage the players to be creative in dealing with him.
The open towers are over 100 ft. tall, with the center one being the tallest. There are four small courtyards filled with water inbetween the towers. The surrounding towers each have another massive Serpent Man statue inside, more hibernating Serpent Men, and more Serpent Men ambushes. The pterodactyl nests won’t be a problem, unless the characters go outside.
KURTZ AND THE FINAL BATTLE
The central tower contains Kurtz and a group of Serpent Men conducting a ceremony. They knew the characters were coming. The attacks in the temple were just to slow them down enough to allow them to finish the ritual. They are standing around a sea (a big bowl) of blood. There is an enormous pit before them with no apparent bottom. The purpose of the ceremony is to summon the Serpent Men’s Master and awaken the rest of the tribe. The group arrives just in time to see the Master come out of the pit. If the ceremony is allowed to continue, more Serpent Men will be awakened.
So who is the mysterious Kurtz? He’s a high level wizard with an appropriate amount of magic items. I’ll list a few possibilities for the final encounter, just to keep the ending unpredictable. If Kurtz is killed during the encounter, his last words must be, “The horror! The horror!”
**Kurtz is dead and stuffed. He is just a powerful zombie-like creature.
**Kurtz is a heavily conditioned cipher of the Serpent Men and only acts at their orders. Mentioning his Intended and showing him the wedding ring, will disrupt their hold on him.
**Kurtz is the leader of the Serpent Men and has nearly turned into one of them. Mentioning his Intended drives Kurtz totally insane, lashing out at everybody.
**Kurtz body-swaps minds with the Fool. Imagine the surprise.
**Kurtz has been collaborating with the Serpent Men, biding his time and hoping to escape. He allies himself with the group against them.
**There’s more than one Kurtz at the temple thanks to a clone spell. The real one has one motive. The fake one has another.
To really spice things up, have the Intended there. She has been captured and has been brought to the temple to be sacrificed. Perhaps her sacrifice is Kurtz’s final initiation test. Perhaps he’s brought her there to either join him or die. This could add an additional emotional element to the battle, or it could add an unnecessary complication. Your call.
Who is the Serpent Men’s Master? I was thinking of a giant shell dragon, but any giant monster will do, as long as it has stats. The ceremony in progress won’t bring the Serpent Men out of hibernation, but will bring the Master.
If things start to get bad for the characters, remind them that they are there to get Kurtz. If things get really bad (or the characters succeed in grabbing Kurtz), Arc Light! Call in the airstrike! Hellion rips the top off the temple and lets loose with a blast of dragonfire. Give the players Hellion’s stats and let the giant monster rumble begin.
The inevitable conclusion of the fight will be death throes of the loser dragging the winner into the pit. Assume the temple goes down at this point and takes the Master, the Serpent men, and Hellion with it. The temple moat waters fill it in. A short time later, the island shudders and then the entire sanctuary collapses into a pit. The retaining walls crack and the moat starts to flood the forest, forming a lake. Hopefully, the characters will be watching the destruction from a safe distance.
CONCLUSION
Assuming the characters are victorious, they will be delivering Kurtz or Kurtz’s head back to civilization. They will not be molested by any natives on the way back, other than a message from Satha. Perhaps congratulations and an offer of permanent alliance, or perhaps a taunt and a challenge. The rebellion is over for the moment in any case.
The group will be credited with ending the war and hailed as heroes by the colonists. They need not worry about bounty hunters. They will have a full honors military escort back to Home Station. Kurtz or what’s left of his body will also be honored, with no one knowing his actual role in these affairs. The governor will invite the group to dinner at the palace and draw out their apportioned fiefs on a map.
The final sad or happy duty for the group will be meeting with the Intended (assuming she wasn’t at the temple). If there is a happy reunion, Kurtz will thank the characters and pledge to leave this Dark Continent behind. Otherwise, she will ask about Kurtz’s final fate and his last words.
“His last word--to live with,” she murmured. “Don't you understand I
loved him--I loved him--I loved him!”
I pulled myself together and spoke slowly. “The last word he pronounced was--your name.”
The End
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Coca-Cola 600: The Real Thing
Well, right to the race this time with no nonsense, since there was a threat of rain. There was a better crowd than I expected, given that it was technically the day after the race and there was a good chance of more rain. Not to mention, the crowd was badly jerked around yesterday. These fans are hardcore.
There was finally a mention of the Start and Park teams. They made a point of mentioning that all of the cars in the race were sponsored. When Scott Riggs and small team he drives for briefly took the lead, Fox made a point of showing his sponsors. Maybe NASCAR leaned on them to do it or not, but it was a good move anyway.
I didn’t mean to do this when I started watching, but I kept an unofficial count of Junior’s appearances during the race. Over three hours, it was about three mentions per hour of racing. This was roughly three more mentions than any other racer got who was also not in the top 30. There were other drivers that got a lot more coverage, but those guys were contending. Of course, this was nothing compared to the Danica 500 yesterday. But then again, she was in the top ten for most of the race and came in third.
If I really wanted to give myself a headache, I should started counting the commercial breaks while they were racing. Fox certainly seemed convinced that the race wasn’t going much past halfway and was trying to jam in all of their spots. Ironically, while they were in rain delay, the commercials were much less frequent.
I wouldn’t have bothered watching the first hour-long rain delay, but I was enjoying an early lunch at the time. Let me go ahead and sell out here and mention my lunch provider, Papa Johns Pizza. Yesterday, I got a large specialty Meat Lovers pizza for $10.99. Just a steal for the sheer volume of excellent toppings and the always-satisfying crust, sauce, and cheese topping. Mmmm. Mmmm. It was just as good warmed up today. (Call me, John. I have reasonable rates for sponsorship. Hell, I’ll work for free pizza.)
Over the course of the six and a half-hour broadcast, I think they got around to speaking to all the drivers. During that first delay, I became more convinced that Jimmie Johnson must shave. Really. He’s got some kind of Hitler-like mustache growing under his nose. Jimmie, don’t give your haters more fodder.
I liked their report card roundtable segment, where they graded the main teams. They were trying to make the best of a bad situation, and it was a good spirited debate. The best part was DW using the telestrator to draw dunce caps on the Hollywood Hotel guys. On the other hand, maybe they should just show commercials for the entire time and go commercial-free when the race restarts.
Just an observation. The tracks obviously can’t control the weather, but there’s always certain spots that do not dry quickly. NASCAR should mandate that those areas be identified and fixed if possible. As Chris Myers suggested, maybe a large investment in some Sham Wows.
I’d talk about the race, but wasn’t much of it and there wasn’t much action to talk about. It was hard not to notice at times that the announcers were watching a better race than what was on TV. Many on-track incidents would be mentioned, but not shown. The only good caution was the classy move to stop the race and have the Memorial Day moment of silence. This was somewhat ruined by Mike Joy’s speech chastising America for its reckless consumerism and debt. “This moment of silence brought to you by Budweiser. Memorialize this great country with the great American lager.” Okay, that’s not what he said, but it could have happened. I’d be surprised if Mike Helton didn’t pay Joy a little visit to remind him that every moment of a NASCAR broadcast displays an ad somewhere, and that they want people to buy recklessly.
I only caught bits and pieces of the other rain delays. There was Montoya and his crew chief laughing and chatting with Joey Logano. I wonder what that was about. Myers made sure to mention that Logano’s 19th birthday party would be at Chuck E. Cheese’s directly following the race. There was another interview with Jeff Gordon and looked a lot more chippy than yesterday. Driving fast is apparently good therapy for a bad back. Plenty of nice shots of Ingrid, too.
This race was decided on a gusty pit call and some meteorology. David Reutimann said he hoped to earn a win after this one. Dude, you totally earned this one on the basis of that two and half hours of agonizing (for everyone) rain delay, when it was pretty clear there wasn’t going to be any more racing. He’ll have that brand new Coca-Cola 600 trophy to keep him warm while he’s in the hospital with pneumonia from standing out in the rain the whole time. (Can’t disagree with his superstition, it worked.) Aaron’s must be happy. There’s no telling how much airtime they got.
I’m not sure what I envisioned doing today, but I certainly made a mistake in watching this. I’m almost frightened to imagine how much rain delay coverage I watched over the last two days. Mike Joy called this year’s rain-shortened Daytona 500 the biggest disappointment of the year. The rain ended what he said was shaping up to be a good race. No problem with that this time. The drivers seemed to be phoning it in, as there was only one car out, and that for mechanical reasons.
If Fox was responsible for dragging people along yesterday, NASCAR more than returned the favor to them. The announcers were clearly lobbying to end the race after the shower when the race got halfway (which was four hours in itself). By the end, they stopped even trying to be entertaining were reduced to the booth guys simply vamping for time.
So this is what we have. The broadcast networks want to put programming on at its scheduled time (and not run over into something important like “America’s Funniest Home Videos”) for sponsors and ratings. And then there’s regulatory body making every effort to finish the entire race and not disappoint the fans (and avoid taking screaming criticism for doing something like cutting off the Daytona 500 too early). What we ended up with was two wasted days to get in half a race.
NASCAR is holding a town hall meeting this week. I hope one topic they bring up is how to get these competing agendas reconciled.
J.
There was finally a mention of the Start and Park teams. They made a point of mentioning that all of the cars in the race were sponsored. When Scott Riggs and small team he drives for briefly took the lead, Fox made a point of showing his sponsors. Maybe NASCAR leaned on them to do it or not, but it was a good move anyway.
I didn’t mean to do this when I started watching, but I kept an unofficial count of Junior’s appearances during the race. Over three hours, it was about three mentions per hour of racing. This was roughly three more mentions than any other racer got who was also not in the top 30. There were other drivers that got a lot more coverage, but those guys were contending. Of course, this was nothing compared to the Danica 500 yesterday. But then again, she was in the top ten for most of the race and came in third.
If I really wanted to give myself a headache, I should started counting the commercial breaks while they were racing. Fox certainly seemed convinced that the race wasn’t going much past halfway and was trying to jam in all of their spots. Ironically, while they were in rain delay, the commercials were much less frequent.
I wouldn’t have bothered watching the first hour-long rain delay, but I was enjoying an early lunch at the time. Let me go ahead and sell out here and mention my lunch provider, Papa Johns Pizza. Yesterday, I got a large specialty Meat Lovers pizza for $10.99. Just a steal for the sheer volume of excellent toppings and the always-satisfying crust, sauce, and cheese topping. Mmmm. Mmmm. It was just as good warmed up today. (Call me, John. I have reasonable rates for sponsorship. Hell, I’ll work for free pizza.)
Over the course of the six and a half-hour broadcast, I think they got around to speaking to all the drivers. During that first delay, I became more convinced that Jimmie Johnson must shave. Really. He’s got some kind of Hitler-like mustache growing under his nose. Jimmie, don’t give your haters more fodder.
I liked their report card roundtable segment, where they graded the main teams. They were trying to make the best of a bad situation, and it was a good spirited debate. The best part was DW using the telestrator to draw dunce caps on the Hollywood Hotel guys. On the other hand, maybe they should just show commercials for the entire time and go commercial-free when the race restarts.
Just an observation. The tracks obviously can’t control the weather, but there’s always certain spots that do not dry quickly. NASCAR should mandate that those areas be identified and fixed if possible. As Chris Myers suggested, maybe a large investment in some Sham Wows.
I’d talk about the race, but wasn’t much of it and there wasn’t much action to talk about. It was hard not to notice at times that the announcers were watching a better race than what was on TV. Many on-track incidents would be mentioned, but not shown. The only good caution was the classy move to stop the race and have the Memorial Day moment of silence. This was somewhat ruined by Mike Joy’s speech chastising America for its reckless consumerism and debt. “This moment of silence brought to you by Budweiser. Memorialize this great country with the great American lager.” Okay, that’s not what he said, but it could have happened. I’d be surprised if Mike Helton didn’t pay Joy a little visit to remind him that every moment of a NASCAR broadcast displays an ad somewhere, and that they want people to buy recklessly.
I only caught bits and pieces of the other rain delays. There was Montoya and his crew chief laughing and chatting with Joey Logano. I wonder what that was about. Myers made sure to mention that Logano’s 19th birthday party would be at Chuck E. Cheese’s directly following the race. There was another interview with Jeff Gordon and looked a lot more chippy than yesterday. Driving fast is apparently good therapy for a bad back. Plenty of nice shots of Ingrid, too.
This race was decided on a gusty pit call and some meteorology. David Reutimann said he hoped to earn a win after this one. Dude, you totally earned this one on the basis of that two and half hours of agonizing (for everyone) rain delay, when it was pretty clear there wasn’t going to be any more racing. He’ll have that brand new Coca-Cola 600 trophy to keep him warm while he’s in the hospital with pneumonia from standing out in the rain the whole time. (Can’t disagree with his superstition, it worked.) Aaron’s must be happy. There’s no telling how much airtime they got.
I’m not sure what I envisioned doing today, but I certainly made a mistake in watching this. I’m almost frightened to imagine how much rain delay coverage I watched over the last two days. Mike Joy called this year’s rain-shortened Daytona 500 the biggest disappointment of the year. The rain ended what he said was shaping up to be a good race. No problem with that this time. The drivers seemed to be phoning it in, as there was only one car out, and that for mechanical reasons.
If Fox was responsible for dragging people along yesterday, NASCAR more than returned the favor to them. The announcers were clearly lobbying to end the race after the shower when the race got halfway (which was four hours in itself). By the end, they stopped even trying to be entertaining were reduced to the booth guys simply vamping for time.
So this is what we have. The broadcast networks want to put programming on at its scheduled time (and not run over into something important like “America’s Funniest Home Videos”) for sponsors and ratings. And then there’s regulatory body making every effort to finish the entire race and not disappoint the fans (and avoid taking screaming criticism for doing something like cutting off the Daytona 500 too early). What we ended up with was two wasted days to get in half a race.
NASCAR is holding a town hall meeting this week. I hope one topic they bring up is how to get these competing agendas reconciled.
J.
Coca-Cola 600: False start
NASCAR can’t control the weather, but these fake-outs with the rain delay coverage have got to go. This Sunday’s Fox broadcast has hit a new low. I’d normally say that NASCAR should have blown off all the pre-race and gone directly to racing. But in this case, the track wasn’t ready from the start. They went through all the motions that they going racing even though there was no intention of doing so. Shots of the jet dryers still out working were apparently avoided from the beginning. It was only when all the ceremonies were finished and everything was ready for the command to start engines, that it was suddenly made clear that the cars weren’t even out on pit lane.
After some extended BS, another rain shower doused the track. At this point, there was no chance of any action. But there’s Fox, stringing everything along for another hour with replacement programming and updates, insisting they were close to starting the race. I’ve seen the “string along” before as well as the “start the race under caution” crap, but this was almost unconscionable. It’s obvious ratings have been really bad this year when they pull stunts like this in sheer desperation. If the coverage had started with images of the track being dried, every fan that’s had to endure a TV rain delay (and not writing a blog about it), would have tuned out immediately.
I’m going to have to stop ranting here, because I’m flat out of euphemisms and will soon have to resort to profanity. Okay, what can be done about this? One, NASCAR and their broadcast partners need to start being more honest. Two, if wet weather’s likely during the race and the track is still dry, start the race as soon as camera’s turned on and give the fans some racing. That’s it, but that’ll be enough. In the meantime, I’m not knowingly sitting through anymore rain delays like this if I have anything else to do. I recommend the same to everyone else. They’ll listen to the ratings.
I’ll go ahead and review the sham “pre-race.” Since some people have taken offense to me commenting on women’s looks in this NASCAR blog, I’ll only focus in men’s looks this time.
Jimmie Johnson looked terrible. That “beard” has been bad enough all season, now he’s got some horrible buzz cut on top of it. Unforgivably, Fox covered his haircut more than they did Jeff Gordon’s wife’s new hairdo.
Speaking of Jeff Gordon, he looked terrible. Nothing like listening to someone talk about their recent medical procedures and seeing the results. Jeff said it wasn’t painful to go through it, but he looked like he’d been run through the spin cycle with a sack of rocks. If Gordon decides to call it a career after four championships (as the broadcast crew was speculating), and stay at home and make more babies with his beautiful wife, who could blame him? He’ll be able to quit, secure in the knowledge that he has a ready successor for the role NASCAR’s most hated driver. That is, Kyle Busch.
Meanwhile, the sports’ most loved driver, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (NASCAR’s version of Danica Patrick, but thankfully without the swimsuit shots), looked terrible. He looked like somebody had shot his dog right before his “pre-race” interview. I wonder if Junior’s urine would test positive for anti-depressants? I hope so, and I’m glad the race was called, because racing is dangerous enough without a suicidal driver out on track.
Tony Stewart looked much better without that scruff on his face. Maybe he was forsaking shaving until he won, which happened last week. But he’s still fat. The only good thing about the Car of Tomorrow is that there’s more window clearance so that he can still squeeze in and wasn’t have to be forced into early retirement.
And this is why I generally don’t comment on guys’ looks in my blog.
Jeremy Mayfield’s urine was again the “glossed over” topic of discussion. Until NASCAR or Mayfield’s lawyers release all of the pertinent information, it’s difficult to say how serious this all really is.
Lastly, there was another Digger cartoon, a rerun. I’m suspecting he’s on his way out. We can only hope.
J.
After some extended BS, another rain shower doused the track. At this point, there was no chance of any action. But there’s Fox, stringing everything along for another hour with replacement programming and updates, insisting they were close to starting the race. I’ve seen the “string along” before as well as the “start the race under caution” crap, but this was almost unconscionable. It’s obvious ratings have been really bad this year when they pull stunts like this in sheer desperation. If the coverage had started with images of the track being dried, every fan that’s had to endure a TV rain delay (and not writing a blog about it), would have tuned out immediately.
I’m going to have to stop ranting here, because I’m flat out of euphemisms and will soon have to resort to profanity. Okay, what can be done about this? One, NASCAR and their broadcast partners need to start being more honest. Two, if wet weather’s likely during the race and the track is still dry, start the race as soon as camera’s turned on and give the fans some racing. That’s it, but that’ll be enough. In the meantime, I’m not knowingly sitting through anymore rain delays like this if I have anything else to do. I recommend the same to everyone else. They’ll listen to the ratings.
I’ll go ahead and review the sham “pre-race.” Since some people have taken offense to me commenting on women’s looks in this NASCAR blog, I’ll only focus in men’s looks this time.
Jimmie Johnson looked terrible. That “beard” has been bad enough all season, now he’s got some horrible buzz cut on top of it. Unforgivably, Fox covered his haircut more than they did Jeff Gordon’s wife’s new hairdo.
Speaking of Jeff Gordon, he looked terrible. Nothing like listening to someone talk about their recent medical procedures and seeing the results. Jeff said it wasn’t painful to go through it, but he looked like he’d been run through the spin cycle with a sack of rocks. If Gordon decides to call it a career after four championships (as the broadcast crew was speculating), and stay at home and make more babies with his beautiful wife, who could blame him? He’ll be able to quit, secure in the knowledge that he has a ready successor for the role NASCAR’s most hated driver. That is, Kyle Busch.
Meanwhile, the sports’ most loved driver, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (NASCAR’s version of Danica Patrick, but thankfully without the swimsuit shots), looked terrible. He looked like somebody had shot his dog right before his “pre-race” interview. I wonder if Junior’s urine would test positive for anti-depressants? I hope so, and I’m glad the race was called, because racing is dangerous enough without a suicidal driver out on track.
Tony Stewart looked much better without that scruff on his face. Maybe he was forsaking shaving until he won, which happened last week. But he’s still fat. The only good thing about the Car of Tomorrow is that there’s more window clearance so that he can still squeeze in and wasn’t have to be forced into early retirement.
And this is why I generally don’t comment on guys’ looks in my blog.
Jeremy Mayfield’s urine was again the “glossed over” topic of discussion. Until NASCAR or Mayfield’s lawyers release all of the pertinent information, it’s difficult to say how serious this all really is.
Lastly, there was another Digger cartoon, a rerun. I’m suspecting he’s on his way out. We can only hope.
J.
Indy 500: Real Emotion
Indulge me for a moment here before I get to the Indy comments.
My first task Sunday morning was to find out who won the F1 race in Monaco, since I wasn’t able to see it. I missed the results on an auto racing update on a radio show, but thankfully ABC/ESPN posted the winner on their bottom line ticker. Congratulations Jenson Button! That’s five out of the first six races. For a team that was put up for sale last year by Honda and didn’t even have an owner a month before the season started, they are on an incredible run. F1 has been turned upside down this year. With next year’s rule changes, Ferrari and others may not even be running in the series, an almost inconceivable thought.
Jense is my favorite F1 driver, and I was really pulling for him to win this race. It is the Indy 500/Daytona 500 equivalent glamour event on the schedule, thus all the racers want this trophy on their mantle. In past years, I’ve seen him stick it on the pole and battle hard for a second place there. This season must be really sweet for Button. I hope he finishes it out with a championship.
On to the race I did actually watch.
I’ll put in my pre-race predictions as I wrote them, in spite of how much I’d like to edit them to make myself look better.
I picked Graham Rahal to win. This was an impulsive choice, done in complete disregard for his lack of oval experience and success.
The other drivers I picked to watch were: Ryan Hunter Reay, Will Power, and Paul Tracy. RHR is a good driver on road courses. Even though he started in the rear, I assumed he’d move up to the front quickly. Will Power was driving for his next job, as he’s the odd man out at Penske with Helio back. I put Tracy in, because I assumed he’d cause some huge wreck from being too aggressive with the “chrome horn.”
Of course the smart choices would have been any of the Ganassi or Penske cars. I was hoping for either of Target cars to win. Seeing Emma Dixon or Ashley Judd in the post-race would have been delightful. As it was, I did get Brienne Pedigo and Jamie Little. Not bad, though they both tone down their looks severely for work. I’ll be equal opportunity here for a change. Dario Franchitti looked good with his hair grown out. My dad made the comment that he looked like he had the hair of an Italian. That’s right. He is Scottish of Italian descent.
The pre-race set the stage pretty well. The Helio Castroneves profile was memorable. The tears flowed like a Barbara Walters’ Special. What can you say? He’s Brazilian. Thank goodness the trial turned out well for him. Otherwise, the man’s name would probably been verboten for the entire race.
Of other pre-race note, my parents had some incredible consternation over whether Jim Nabors would be singing or not. Of course he was. He still has a great voice and it’s tremendous to hear the crowd singing along. That was all mom wanted to see of the race. Speaking of the crowd, there were still plenty of good seats still available, especially behind pit lane. Even the announces noticed.
Let the heartbreaks begin. I’ll just hit a few of the highlights as they came.
Marco Andretti was wrecked early. This sucks, but there was a reason I didn’t bother picking him to win. At least you could still see him, shirtless even, in those razor commercials.
Early exit for RHR, but at least you could still see him in all those the Izod commercials.
So much for Rahal. He’s not in any commercials, so see ya next week, Graham. Thanks for making me look like a boob.
Poor Tony Kanaan. TK’s such a great driver. The year he won the championship, he completed every lap of competition, an almost unimaginable feat. From the in-car view, wow was that a hit! If you watch the replay closely, you can clearly see the track itself reaching up to take out his car. This is somehow a personal grudge with Indy.
Then there’s the Heartbreaker herself, Danica Patrick. There was continuous Danica coverage throughout the race, including the commercials. She’s like the IRL’s version of Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Of course with all that Danica coverage, they had scrimp on covering a few other drivers, like about half the field. I saw that Scott Sharp was running. I don’t know what happened to him. Fan favorite Sarah Fisher? She got some airtime. Don’t know where she finished either.
Milka Duno must get some special props here. She only got called out by one wrecked driver. Milka may or may not have really had anything to do with the wreck, but if she’s in the vicinity, she’s going to get blamed. As far as I could tell, she finished last of the cars still running, one lap down. You know, she’s a very likable person (though Danica’s biggest mistake last year was trying to pick a fight with her), but she’s probably still in over her head in the league. And then there’s Milka’s sponsor, Hugo Chavez’s oil company. It’s a little hard to root for her.
Gutsy performance of the race? Whew, this is going to be tough. I gotta give it to Samantha Lloyd. First, her husband, Alex, is wearing a pink jumpsuit and driving a pink car, thus gaining the nickname, “Pink Lloyd.” Second, the surreal interview with the pregnant Ms. Lloyd, calmly announcing that her contractions were about 10 minutes apart. She planned on staying until the end of the race. “If the contractions get to about five minutes apart, I’ll go ahead and leave. Can’t have the pit crew trying to deliver a baby and change tires at the same time.” That’s dedication.
So who did she beat out for my prestigious award? Poor Vitor Meira. Figures, the guy’s never won, but has come in second like nine times. What happened to him? His car caught on fire in the pits. He even took some burn damage himself, but still managed to get back out on track and stay on the lead lap. For an encore, Vitor’s day ended with his car running sideways along the wall and backward. They had to take him out on a stretcher. He did get some respect. Before the end of the coverage, they announced he’d been taken to the hospital. They never said what happened to Sam. You kinda fell down on that storyline ESPN.
There was some false drama near the end with Weldon and Danica chasing down Helio. For the last 10 laps there was no coverage of anybody except Helio and his family. I think there were other people on track racing, but I can’t confirm that. There were no shots of the other finishers. I guess they were irrelevant. (Helio was pretty far out ahead. They would have had to have waited quite a while for the others to get there.) Paul Tracy turned out to not to be a factor, but he kept it cool and did okay. Will Power was in contention and finished well. Thanks Will, for not making me look completely ignorant about the league.
I’d comment on what a great and moving drama it was in Victory Lane, but you could see it all there with Helio burying his head in his hands and sobbing. This has to have been the most emotional win for a driver at Indy ever. The crowd gave him a good cheer on the final lap. And yes, he got a kiss from the trophy girl. As God intended for every race winner.
There were some surprises in the other post-race interviews I saw. I’d heard about a “mellower” Danica this season and there she was. I like this version better. Hopefully with this third place at Indy, she’ll be inspired to keep it up and maybe more good results will follow.
Then there was this “mature” Dan Wheldon? What’s going on here? This is the guy who was luridly asking to be interviewed by Jamie Little a couple of years ago, got his teeth fixed last year as part of his off-season training, and collects exotic shoes. Like Austin Powers in a race car. Maybe it was the marriage and new kid thing and being booted off the Ganassi team that’s changed him. Great to see the one-car team of Panther Racing do so well.
He was probably okay with second place, but probably more happy to have beaten Danica. Just a little backstory. Her rookie year, Dan had to wear a tee-shirt saying, “I was the one who actually won the Indy 500.” A couple of years later, she tried to start a fight with him in the pits over a racing incident. Wheldon, Briscoe, Duno, some of her teammates at AGR, and every other driver who’s not named Helio, who’s jealous of her fame. Yeah, she’s made some enemies, so her charm offensive is a good thing.
ESPN had a ticker of the finish, but I didn’t get to see it well to take notes on it. I did miss the last five minutes of the coverage getting home to watch the NASCAR race, which was starting in five minutes. So, if I’m short-shrifting their post-race, my apologies, but I kinda doubt I am.
Overall? The coverage was very pre-determined, storyline driven, so no points there. The pre-race did go well. There was Side-by-Side coverage, which was swell. I think the post-race would have been better, but the length of the race ended up cutting it short.
The race itself featured red and white domination. The only serious question was would it be Ganassi or Penske? Thanks to the fact that it’s a long race (especially as most other Indycar races are much shorter), there was still plenty of drama, with sudden reversals of fortune and displays of steady perseverance. Since it’s Indy and there are rookies and racers who shouldn’t be in the field, you’re going to get crashes. The restarts were interesting, but unfortunately just like NASCAR, the leader tended to fly away from the pack.
The car package needs to be open to more modification by the teams and more engine competition (Honda is actually very open to that). Unfortunately, that would add a lot more cost to the development, so who knows? I am heartened by Weldon and Panther’s performance. Hopefully, more teams will be able to get into the winning mix. Regardless, as long they’re putting on this show at Indy, I’ll be watching.
J.
My first task Sunday morning was to find out who won the F1 race in Monaco, since I wasn’t able to see it. I missed the results on an auto racing update on a radio show, but thankfully ABC/ESPN posted the winner on their bottom line ticker. Congratulations Jenson Button! That’s five out of the first six races. For a team that was put up for sale last year by Honda and didn’t even have an owner a month before the season started, they are on an incredible run. F1 has been turned upside down this year. With next year’s rule changes, Ferrari and others may not even be running in the series, an almost inconceivable thought.
Jense is my favorite F1 driver, and I was really pulling for him to win this race. It is the Indy 500/Daytona 500 equivalent glamour event on the schedule, thus all the racers want this trophy on their mantle. In past years, I’ve seen him stick it on the pole and battle hard for a second place there. This season must be really sweet for Button. I hope he finishes it out with a championship.
On to the race I did actually watch.
I’ll put in my pre-race predictions as I wrote them, in spite of how much I’d like to edit them to make myself look better.
I picked Graham Rahal to win. This was an impulsive choice, done in complete disregard for his lack of oval experience and success.
The other drivers I picked to watch were: Ryan Hunter Reay, Will Power, and Paul Tracy. RHR is a good driver on road courses. Even though he started in the rear, I assumed he’d move up to the front quickly. Will Power was driving for his next job, as he’s the odd man out at Penske with Helio back. I put Tracy in, because I assumed he’d cause some huge wreck from being too aggressive with the “chrome horn.”
Of course the smart choices would have been any of the Ganassi or Penske cars. I was hoping for either of Target cars to win. Seeing Emma Dixon or Ashley Judd in the post-race would have been delightful. As it was, I did get Brienne Pedigo and Jamie Little. Not bad, though they both tone down their looks severely for work. I’ll be equal opportunity here for a change. Dario Franchitti looked good with his hair grown out. My dad made the comment that he looked like he had the hair of an Italian. That’s right. He is Scottish of Italian descent.
The pre-race set the stage pretty well. The Helio Castroneves profile was memorable. The tears flowed like a Barbara Walters’ Special. What can you say? He’s Brazilian. Thank goodness the trial turned out well for him. Otherwise, the man’s name would probably been verboten for the entire race.
Of other pre-race note, my parents had some incredible consternation over whether Jim Nabors would be singing or not. Of course he was. He still has a great voice and it’s tremendous to hear the crowd singing along. That was all mom wanted to see of the race. Speaking of the crowd, there were still plenty of good seats still available, especially behind pit lane. Even the announces noticed.
Let the heartbreaks begin. I’ll just hit a few of the highlights as they came.
Marco Andretti was wrecked early. This sucks, but there was a reason I didn’t bother picking him to win. At least you could still see him, shirtless even, in those razor commercials.
Early exit for RHR, but at least you could still see him in all those the Izod commercials.
So much for Rahal. He’s not in any commercials, so see ya next week, Graham. Thanks for making me look like a boob.
Poor Tony Kanaan. TK’s such a great driver. The year he won the championship, he completed every lap of competition, an almost unimaginable feat. From the in-car view, wow was that a hit! If you watch the replay closely, you can clearly see the track itself reaching up to take out his car. This is somehow a personal grudge with Indy.
Then there’s the Heartbreaker herself, Danica Patrick. There was continuous Danica coverage throughout the race, including the commercials. She’s like the IRL’s version of Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Of course with all that Danica coverage, they had scrimp on covering a few other drivers, like about half the field. I saw that Scott Sharp was running. I don’t know what happened to him. Fan favorite Sarah Fisher? She got some airtime. Don’t know where she finished either.
Milka Duno must get some special props here. She only got called out by one wrecked driver. Milka may or may not have really had anything to do with the wreck, but if she’s in the vicinity, she’s going to get blamed. As far as I could tell, she finished last of the cars still running, one lap down. You know, she’s a very likable person (though Danica’s biggest mistake last year was trying to pick a fight with her), but she’s probably still in over her head in the league. And then there’s Milka’s sponsor, Hugo Chavez’s oil company. It’s a little hard to root for her.
Gutsy performance of the race? Whew, this is going to be tough. I gotta give it to Samantha Lloyd. First, her husband, Alex, is wearing a pink jumpsuit and driving a pink car, thus gaining the nickname, “Pink Lloyd.” Second, the surreal interview with the pregnant Ms. Lloyd, calmly announcing that her contractions were about 10 minutes apart. She planned on staying until the end of the race. “If the contractions get to about five minutes apart, I’ll go ahead and leave. Can’t have the pit crew trying to deliver a baby and change tires at the same time.” That’s dedication.
So who did she beat out for my prestigious award? Poor Vitor Meira. Figures, the guy’s never won, but has come in second like nine times. What happened to him? His car caught on fire in the pits. He even took some burn damage himself, but still managed to get back out on track and stay on the lead lap. For an encore, Vitor’s day ended with his car running sideways along the wall and backward. They had to take him out on a stretcher. He did get some respect. Before the end of the coverage, they announced he’d been taken to the hospital. They never said what happened to Sam. You kinda fell down on that storyline ESPN.
There was some false drama near the end with Weldon and Danica chasing down Helio. For the last 10 laps there was no coverage of anybody except Helio and his family. I think there were other people on track racing, but I can’t confirm that. There were no shots of the other finishers. I guess they were irrelevant. (Helio was pretty far out ahead. They would have had to have waited quite a while for the others to get there.) Paul Tracy turned out to not to be a factor, but he kept it cool and did okay. Will Power was in contention and finished well. Thanks Will, for not making me look completely ignorant about the league.
I’d comment on what a great and moving drama it was in Victory Lane, but you could see it all there with Helio burying his head in his hands and sobbing. This has to have been the most emotional win for a driver at Indy ever. The crowd gave him a good cheer on the final lap. And yes, he got a kiss from the trophy girl. As God intended for every race winner.
There were some surprises in the other post-race interviews I saw. I’d heard about a “mellower” Danica this season and there she was. I like this version better. Hopefully with this third place at Indy, she’ll be inspired to keep it up and maybe more good results will follow.
Then there was this “mature” Dan Wheldon? What’s going on here? This is the guy who was luridly asking to be interviewed by Jamie Little a couple of years ago, got his teeth fixed last year as part of his off-season training, and collects exotic shoes. Like Austin Powers in a race car. Maybe it was the marriage and new kid thing and being booted off the Ganassi team that’s changed him. Great to see the one-car team of Panther Racing do so well.
He was probably okay with second place, but probably more happy to have beaten Danica. Just a little backstory. Her rookie year, Dan had to wear a tee-shirt saying, “I was the one who actually won the Indy 500.” A couple of years later, she tried to start a fight with him in the pits over a racing incident. Wheldon, Briscoe, Duno, some of her teammates at AGR, and every other driver who’s not named Helio, who’s jealous of her fame. Yeah, she’s made some enemies, so her charm offensive is a good thing.
ESPN had a ticker of the finish, but I didn’t get to see it well to take notes on it. I did miss the last five minutes of the coverage getting home to watch the NASCAR race, which was starting in five minutes. So, if I’m short-shrifting their post-race, my apologies, but I kinda doubt I am.
Overall? The coverage was very pre-determined, storyline driven, so no points there. The pre-race did go well. There was Side-by-Side coverage, which was swell. I think the post-race would have been better, but the length of the race ended up cutting it short.
The race itself featured red and white domination. The only serious question was would it be Ganassi or Penske? Thanks to the fact that it’s a long race (especially as most other Indycar races are much shorter), there was still plenty of drama, with sudden reversals of fortune and displays of steady perseverance. Since it’s Indy and there are rookies and racers who shouldn’t be in the field, you’re going to get crashes. The restarts were interesting, but unfortunately just like NASCAR, the leader tended to fly away from the pack.
The car package needs to be open to more modification by the teams and more engine competition (Honda is actually very open to that). Unfortunately, that would add a lot more cost to the development, so who knows? I am heartened by Weldon and Panther’s performance. Hopefully, more teams will be able to get into the winning mix. Regardless, as long they’re putting on this show at Indy, I’ll be watching.
J.
Friday, May 15, 2009
NASCAR All-Star Race: Sheer Adoration
I don’t have cable, so I didn’t get to see the race. So that’s my commentary on that. Instead, I offer this: an Ode to Miss Sprint Cup.
Shiny hair dark as night
Smile like a searchlight
Warm eyes glowing
Would that your jumpsuit
Left more skin showing
Errr. . . You know my haiku skills are a little better than my rhyming skills. Let’s try this instead.
Wink to me trophy girl
Damn sponsorship obligations
Show me that you care
Oh, let’s be honest here. The main reason I’m watching these races isn’t to blog them, but because I’m totally hot for Miss Sprint Cup, Monica Palumbo. My recurring fantasy involves dousing her in champagne while undoing her Sprint Cup jumpsuit. “Ah, yes Monica. You’ve won and the champagne is all for you this time. Oops, your zipper has come undone.” Watching her take collateral celebration fallout, while trying to stay in the TV picture and flash her beautiful smile is about close as I’m going to get to that in real life. A zillion segments on Junior, and Fox can’t do one fluff interview with Monica. I may never really know anything about her. She did wink to me once in Victory Lane. I cherish that memory.
I hate to pick favorites. Anne-Marie Rhodes, the other Sprint Girl, is nice, but she appears to be married or engaged. Further, Tony Stewart made out with her after one of his Indy victories. (I’ve seen the pictures! She seemed surprised by the affection.)
The trophy girl is an outdated concept. There is no real place for it in today’s politically correct and morally ambiguous world. The drivers don’t even get a kiss anymore. I’m not even sure they’re allowed to talk to the drivers after what happened between Jeff Gordon and Brooke. Sprint would probably be better served promotion-wise by some goofy, child-friendly mascot character. (A gopher perhaps?)
But do you remember Nextel’s ill-fated tenure as title sponsor? There was no trophy girl. Sure, you only consciously missed it once or twice, but in the back of your mind, Victory Lane just seemed to be missing something. It’s inescapable. It’s history and tradition, for better or worse. Even if it’s Danica Patrick winning the Daytona 500 someday (however unlikely), there still has to be a trophy girl there with her. And if Danica and Monica want to kiss on stage, I . . . errr. . .
Monica, if you’re doing a vanity search and somehow stumble on this post (I’ve had that happen before), please know that I have nothing but the highest respect for you and job. Umm. . . How about an autographed picture? “To my favorite blogger, jdh417, xoxo (smooches) Monica.”
J.
Shiny hair dark as night
Smile like a searchlight
Warm eyes glowing
Would that your jumpsuit
Left more skin showing
Errr. . . You know my haiku skills are a little better than my rhyming skills. Let’s try this instead.
Wink to me trophy girl
Damn sponsorship obligations
Show me that you care
Oh, let’s be honest here. The main reason I’m watching these races isn’t to blog them, but because I’m totally hot for Miss Sprint Cup, Monica Palumbo. My recurring fantasy involves dousing her in champagne while undoing her Sprint Cup jumpsuit. “Ah, yes Monica. You’ve won and the champagne is all for you this time. Oops, your zipper has come undone.” Watching her take collateral celebration fallout, while trying to stay in the TV picture and flash her beautiful smile is about close as I’m going to get to that in real life. A zillion segments on Junior, and Fox can’t do one fluff interview with Monica. I may never really know anything about her. She did wink to me once in Victory Lane. I cherish that memory.
I hate to pick favorites. Anne-Marie Rhodes, the other Sprint Girl, is nice, but she appears to be married or engaged. Further, Tony Stewart made out with her after one of his Indy victories. (I’ve seen the pictures! She seemed surprised by the affection.)
The trophy girl is an outdated concept. There is no real place for it in today’s politically correct and morally ambiguous world. The drivers don’t even get a kiss anymore. I’m not even sure they’re allowed to talk to the drivers after what happened between Jeff Gordon and Brooke. Sprint would probably be better served promotion-wise by some goofy, child-friendly mascot character. (A gopher perhaps?)
But do you remember Nextel’s ill-fated tenure as title sponsor? There was no trophy girl. Sure, you only consciously missed it once or twice, but in the back of your mind, Victory Lane just seemed to be missing something. It’s inescapable. It’s history and tradition, for better or worse. Even if it’s Danica Patrick winning the Daytona 500 someday (however unlikely), there still has to be a trophy girl there with her. And if Danica and Monica want to kiss on stage, I . . . errr. . .
Monica, if you’re doing a vanity search and somehow stumble on this post (I’ve had that happen before), please know that I have nothing but the highest respect for you and job. Umm. . . How about an autographed picture? “To my favorite blogger, jdh417, xoxo (smooches) Monica.”
J.
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