Baseball Journal: Fashion Police

Okay, I’ve got to get this out of my system.  Since there’s no baseball going on at the moment, this seems like a good time.  (Yes, I saw the All-Star Game.  No, I don’t want to talk about it, other than to say, imagine what the “game” would have been like if it had had no consequence to it.)  Some baseball teams need a good talking to about their uniforms.  There I’ve said it.  I don’t care if this is unmanly.  As Jerry Seinfeld* observed, we’re really just rooting for laundry out on the field.  That’s all teams really are.  For what these teams and players are making, they should all look good playing.   The fans should be fashionable in team gear, given the cost.  I’m just going to have to go down the whole MLB and tell you teams what you’re doing right and wrong.

American League

Yankees: Don’t change a thing.  Did you hear me?  I think the only reason baseball players aren’t decked like NASCAR drivers or soccer players is because of the Yankees and the brand identity of their iconic uniforms.  Would you pay big bucks for a replica Yankees jersey with advertising all over it?  Hell no!  You’d want the “Retro” jersey scrubbed clean of such defacement. 

This may be the only time I ever praise the Yankees organization.  Savor it. 

Yeah, the origin of the pinstripes was the team trying to make Babe Ruth look like less of a fat ass.  Does that sound more like my usual Yankee take?

Blue Jays: Who cares?  Actually, it’s a nice uniform and logo.  Of course there are five other teams in the league with the same primary blue color scheme, but your team actually does have blue in the name. 

Orioles: I like their uniforms a lot.  The white panel on the home hat, I’m more standoffish on, but it does go with the orange top.  The away hat, all black, is more attractive.  I also like that cursive “O’s” logo.  Compromise.  “O’s” logo with the cartoon bird in the middle. 

Rays: If you think uniforms aren’t important, I present Exhibit A.  This team may as well have been called the Washington Generals (the Harlem Globetrotters opponent) for their first decade.  Then they shortened their name, changed the logo, took on a new color scheme, and suddenly they’re winning.  (Some great players and Joe Maddon might have also contributed.)  Admittedly, they’re another blue and white team, but they look good.  One thing, stay away from that powder blue top.   

Red Sox: Yeah, you’re okay, somewhat generic, but okay.  When you’re an iconic franchise, you can get away with generic.

Tigers: I love watching clips of the ’84 championship-winning Tigers and then seeing the current Tiger team, and it’s basically the same uniform.  That’s awesome continuity.  Having a great uniform and sticking with it, whether the team is great or sucks.  Ah, the dark Navy blue and orange with the Olde English D.  Just a classic combination.  Never change. 

Royals: It’s a great uniform and it should be, since it’s basically the Dodger uniform without the red.  I’d like to see a little more gold in the uniform to differentiate it.  Gold color doesn’t show up well on a uniform though.  Like I told the Rays, stay away from those powder blue tops, please.

White Sox: This franchise has the distinction of having some of the worst baseball uniforms of all time.  Future teams will look to your example as to what not to do fashion-wise.  In the 90’s, team ownership finally had an inspiration, “Let’s steal the Yankees uniform!”  Well, steal from the best.  There is the irony of the White Sox wearing black, but it looks good, especially the black top, which is distinctive.  Of course, they can’t stay away from bad uniforms.  For the last couple of years, they’ve been wearing “throwback” uniforms on Sundays.  Please stop doing this after this year, before you get to the really bad uniforms again. 

Indians: It’s a good-looking uniform.  I’ve noticed that they seem to be trying to phase out the Chief Wahoo logo though.  Admittedly, it’s not PC, but it is friendly and iconic.  Remember that team was named in honor of an actual Indian player.  (Wikipedia disagrees with this, but they’re wrong.)  If you’re really committed to changing it, fine, but don’t go with that big red “C.”  It makes you look like a minor league team from the 30’s.    

Twins: First, put the names back on the back of your uniforms.  Yeah, the Yankees, Red Sox, and Giants go without names on the back at home.  (The Yankees don’t have names on their road uniforms either.  This is because no Yankee player is more important than the franchise itself.)  Your uniform has this faux old-fashioned look that just seems so fake.  I don’t really understand your logo either.  I don’t really like your whole franchise actually.   

Angels: Go back to your 70’s throwback uniforms.  They’re unique and look good.  Your current uniform just makes you yet another flat red team.  I won’t root for you if you do this, but I’ll like your uniforms.

Athletics: Another attractive, distinctive uniform.  The inexplicable elephant logo even has a story to go with it.  I even like the blinding day-glow yellow alternate tops.  But just on you guys.  I remember seeing highlights from a game a couple of years ago with the yellow-topped A’s vs. the bright orange topped Orioles.  The crowd there must have been fighting the glare.  Oh, don’t wear that black top again.  Bad combo with the green. 

Rangers: Oh Lord.  These guys have four different tops and two different color schemes.  Holy indecision, Batman!  I know they’re basically homaging the team’s two previous looks, but pick one!  I’m partial to the blue scheme, that makes them just another blue/white.  Going with the red, makes you just another red/white team.  I know this would be asymmetrical, but I wonder how wearing a straight up Texas flag shirt would look.  No logo or even putting “Texas” across the chest would be necessary.  Whatever.  Pick one look!

Mariners: I always liked those blue and yellow/gold uniforms.  The main selling point of them is that was the last and only time the team has ever been good.  Perhaps it’s just nostalgia for me.  The current uniforms are unique and attractive.  It’s just that they’re associated with a team that’s been bad for a very long time.  This is one team I might recommend a change, just for the sake of change.  (Getting some better players might help too.)

Astros: You’re hopeless.  Your iconic 70’s uniform bares an unfortunate resemblance to a gay pride flag.  I’ve compared your current alternate top to a prison uniform.  You once had a black and white uniform that weekend softball players would complain about being too generic.  The worst of it is, right before the league switch, you had a great uniform, red and black, essentially the Diamondbacks current uniform.  I don’t know what to tell you.    

The Senior Circuit is next.